Episode 2: The Ell & Nige Show!!

Happy 2012ing lovely person!
I hope your year has started with a fizzle and a wiggle and a lot of momentum.

Click here for the latest installment of the unmissable Ell & Nige show - a show like no other!

Make way for love, dear one... make way for love...


Elloa xx

Sssh!

Sssh!

Don't tell Nige, but I made him this very lovely card this afternoon to show him my huge heart bursting with love and gratitude for him. It will be waiting for him this evening when he comes home from work.

I love you Nige xxx

Only the Love is real xxx

What Matters Now

1. What Matters Now (Inspired by Seth Godin): Think about the here and now. What matters most to you right now? How are you going to nurture what matters in during 2012?

What matters to me right now.

What matters to me right now?

What matters to me is this:

- Nige and my relationship with him. Mighty companions, soft place to land. 

- My work as a teacher. I am finding that the more I teach, the more I realise that living my 'purpose' in this life isn't about reaching or preaching to thousands of people, as my ego would like it to be. It's about the daily connections. It's about me remembering that, as the Buddhists teach, this one in front of me, this one, is brother, sister, mother, father and child to me. We are all connected. The people I am meant to reach, I will meet. I don't need to scramble around anymore, looking for some elusive life purpose when right here, right now, there are so many people who need help remembering the truth about themselves, just like me.

- My friendships. What I don't want you to know is that I feel ashamed of the ways I have behaved at different times this year. What I don't want you to know is that I believe I am a failure at friendships. What I don't want you to know is that sometimes I feel awkward and don't know how to connect, especially with women. What I don't want you to know is that I believe that I am disposable, that people don't really need me to be their friend because there will be someone better out there for them. And yet... and yet you matter to me. And despite the snide whispered evaluation of my worth inside my mind, I have an inkling that deep down, I matter to you too.

- The Clearmind community that I am a part of and the work that we do in that community to remember the truth about ourselves and each other, ACIM style. I am starting to work on the winter issue of The Ripple magazine, and I acknowledge the deep desire that is swelling up from within to create something that will have a deep and powerful ripple effect.

- Choosing to mind the gap. Compulsive eating has reared its head in my life again recently, and what matters to me right now is choosing to walk a path of freedom away from a personal hell. One step at a time.

- My sisters. Rosie, Daisy and Edie, you are so important to me.

- My mum, my dad(s), my grandparents. I intend to stay in touch more in 2012. Starting now.

- Love, love, love.

- GIVING MYSELF AN F-ING BREAK.

- Slowing way down; being here now.

1. Reframing (Inspired by Patrick Rhone): How are you framing yourself and your life? Could you reframe things going into 2012?

I don't know if you've noticed two thought systems running inside your mind. I have. They are both available to me in every moment. One runs on fear, toxicity and shame. The other, love. On any given day, I frame my life according to one of these two mindsets. The way I am currently framing my life looks something like this...

I am heading for financial ruin. (Everything will be just fine.)

I need to find a 'proper' job, otherwise I'm going to end up thousands of pounds in debt. (I'm exactly where you're meant to be. I'm being taken care of - who knows what exciting things are just around the corner!)

I am a bad friend. I don't keep in touch with my friends enough and I don't make an effort to go and see them enough. I am too scared to even pick up the phone and just say hi. (I am kind, loving and loyal. I love my friends. I want to know about their lives. I do the best I can to stay in touch. I recognize that I am afraid to reach out some days, and that is okay. Every moment is a chance to start again.)

My relationship is falling apart. (Only the love is real between us. I can choose again... and again... and again. I am kind, caring and really, really doing the best I can. Relationships aren't easy! So gentleness and a willingness to take a risk to be intimate are vital. Especially gentleness. Being cruel to myself won't help me to be present in my relationship with Nige. Gently does it Ell... you have come from a pretty dysfunctional family, and perhaps this is a time of growing pains. Just keep coming back to love. One step at a time.)

The women's circle I started is not growing because I haven't even bothered to invite anyone else. (You do go on, don't you? Won't you ever give the poor girl a break? No wonder she's not sleeping at night! For your information, the women's circle is going just fine. I am learning with each one, and have learned some pretty big lessons very early on. For this I am grateful.)

I am a total bitch. Look how I treated Nige in the gym the other day. I can't even control my moods. I am worse than a teenager and a toddler. I should know better. (I am innocent. In those moments when I act out, I am simply afraid. I can choose to do it differently. Besides, not every workout has been like that. There is something here for me to see and learn. I am doing the best I can.)

This is how I'm framing my life. This morning I have chosen to give a lot more space, time and thought to the second thought system. Sometimes I feel like the only one that exists is the first one - the one that batters me, tosses me about, hurls me against the same brick wall again and again, slamming my face against concrete and leaving me feeling utterly desperate. But then... then... then I find just one moment of freedom: I glance at the sky, or out to sea. I take a long, deep, conscious breath. I stop and reassure myself. And even if it doesn't sink in, I know this - that somewhere, it does. That love is real, that the fear I feel is of my own making, that it's all make believe inside my head. It is not the outside situation that determines the meaning. It is me who gives meaning to everything that happens in my life. And I am committing to continuing to allow my life to mean one thing: that only the love is real in any situation. 

Only the love is real.

One Word & Community

Two Reverb 11 prompts for you today!


One Word (Written by Gwen Bell): Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?


Community (Written by Cali Harris): Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2011? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2012?


One word
Hm, encapsulate 2011 in one word? That's tough. I've been thinking about this for about 36 hours now (not constantly, mind!), and the word that has come up for me is 'Kaleidoscope'. This year has been a whirlwind of colours, emotions and experiences. I've lived through desperation, exhilaration, connection, isolation, newness, longevity, times of breathtaking beauty and others of bleak greyness.


Many months ago, whilst immersed in the middle of a process centred around my purpose and how that might manifest in my work in the world (an ongoing process, I might add), I made this picture.

I think it pretty much sums up what my year has been like. 

One thing I can't say about 2011 is that it's been dull. Whether it's been cycling over the top of the Yorkshire Moors at 3mph in crazily strong head-on winds with my beloved Nige or cycling downhill at 45mph, assisting conscious connected breathing exercises in a life-changing workshop, teaching English to people from all over the world (including, I admit, a country I had never heard of before - Turkmanistan), or the myraid other experiences I've had, I have, despite all my fears and worries, lived a colourful, multi-faceted, explorative, delicious year. It's been pretty f-ing wonderful, to be honest with you.

And my word for 2012?

I have been so busy trying to think of a word for 2011 that I'm not quite ready to reveal my 2012 word yet. You'll have to wait and see! (Um, so will I). 

Community

Communing, being in community, is something I've craved in the last couple of years of my life - and I am delighted that looking back on the year, it's been there in many different ways.

- Henfield Theatre Company has provided me with a really down-to-earth, fun way of connecting with people from all walks of life. Being in two shows plus a concert gave me a place to connect with people twice a week.

- This lovely blog, and the blogs I love to read - Painted Path, Inner Bliss, Backdoor to the Moon, For-giving For-getting and Everything In Between, aLifeness, What We Create, Lori Portka, People Like Us - are just some of the wonderful places I adore hanging out.

- Moving to the village of Steyning and beginning to get to know people has given me a tangible experience of community.

- Teaching English as a foreign language - EFL schools are like mini communities in themselves, and I've worked at two different schools which I have loved.

- Doing the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge was like taking steroids for community building. Wicked experience, but really intense (not sustainable for me in the long run - I was online, connecting with people and their projects, for way too long for it to be something I could've kept up for longer than a month.) John Williams in his wisdom closed the community after the challenge finished, and now a bunch of us continue to connect on Facebook.

- Cycling and meeting other cyclists. It's like being in a club with no official membership card, but discovering that other people are in it is very exciting to my inner child. Just yesterday I learned that one of the teachers at school is also a road cyclist and I wanted to jump up and down, swap stories and compare routes.

- I hope that the women's circle in Steyning will continue to grow and provide a point of connection and community for the women in the village and the surrounding areas.

- Working at the editor of Clearmind International's online magazine, as well as assisting on The Awakening workshop, is quite simply the most incredible experience of community. I would love everyone I know to try this work. It is heaven on earth.

In 2012, I intend to continue with the above, but particularly to strengthen my sense of community and communion with women (we are unreservedly amazing, every single one of us, and I have learned so much this year about being a woman), both online and face to face at the women's circle. 

I promise myself and you that I will get the mailing list up and running. I've been suffering a bit of writer's block around this... But I think the solution is to be real, authentic and honest, pretty much how I try to be in my life.

I am going to grow my work with women in a number of exciting ways, including my first ever women's one day workshop in London (email me for more info! elloabarbour@gmail.com) and at least one e-course to be launched in early 2012... more on this soon!

Your turn!! What is your one word, and where and how have you experienced community this year... and what's your vision for the next 13 months?! xxxxxx

All Over The Place

I feel all over the place today. I am struggling to settle.

I woke up and my beloved wasn't in bed next to me. Immediately, a wave of sadness and aloneness washed over me. I padded into the living room expecting to find him in a standing meditation. I was greeted by a lit tealight burning in stillness, an angel statue and soft music - but no Nige; only the afterglow of his presence.

Anxious, I headed down the hallway to our second-bedroom-come-office, wondering if he'd gone out on his bike and realizing that I had a real sense of needing to connect with him this morning. Last night something happened which really upset me, core beliefs and deep wounds engulfing my body, heart and mind. I felt lost, alone, unworthy, unloveable, and ashamed as Nige and I drove back home, and it took a long pep talk with myself to coax me into sharing what was going on with him.

I wanted so much to be reassured by Nige this morning, to be held in his arms until all my fears and doubts melted away. Feeling very vulnerable wasn't on my agenda as I headed home yesterday afternoon; I spent the weekend assisting and supporting at a deeply transformative, life-changing, mindblowing workshop and had experienced, given and received so much love that I really wasn't expecting to conclude the whole experience with a sense of overwhelming brokenness.

As I stepped through the doorway into our office, there was Nige sitting at his computer, dressed and ready for work, a poem in front of him on the screen. I stopped, hoping he would stand up and come over to me, give me a hug and say good morning. He turned and looked at me, his face unsmiling, deep in thought, and he didn't get up.

I froze.

A moment of abandonment jolted in my stomach, and I said good morning. He didn't come over to me and I didn't go over to him. He told me he was working on changing a poem he'd written the day before, and read the new final stanza to me. Rejection burning in my solar plexus, I listened and put away socks, jumpers and the last few bits and pieces left over from my weekend. My head felt jarred, and his words hovered emptily in the room. I couldn't connect with them. I retreated into the kitchen, a storm brewing in my body, wondering how I could feel so crazy and disconnected after the utterly incredible weekend I had just experienced.

And all morning, this feeling has stayed with me.

What I don't want you to know is that I feel frightened today. I feel out of control in my life. I am having doubts about everything - about who I am, about what I have to bring to the world, about my worth. I am believing that I have nothing worthwhile to offer, that my contribution isn't wanted, impactful or valuable. I believe today that I am at the bottom of the pile, that I am last on the list, that I am one who gets forgotten about, missed, not seen, heard and loved.

All this despite - or perhaps in spite of - the soulful, authentic, overwhelming connection I experienced this weekend. I belief all this about myself today, despite being in this place just two days ago...

Beautiful Angels whispering words of truth to me - and me believing them

Coming back into my home environment has felt awkward, foreign and scary. An urge to bolt, to run away has risen up from inside my belly, and I have found myself thinking it would be easier to be dead, that somehow I need to be away from this life I am in. That some kind of peace or answer or solace is somewhere other than right here in my life right at this very moment.

If you know this place at all in your own life, you'll know that it is paralysing. Here, there is no breath, no room to create, no flow. Just fear, anxiety, shame, loneliness and sadness.

My very best thoughts and judgements on the world and what I experience in it have left me here - bruised, frightened and paralysed. And yet I know I have a choice. That's what prompted me to write this today. My resources feel depleted and yet I know that a different choice is available to me today, that somewhere inside of me is love and that I can depend on that love. 


So I pour out my worries and fears and know that if peace is my goal, they will dissolve, because my investment in believing them will be less than my desire to return to love.

What I don't want you to know is that I don't know what my next step is. I feel overwhelmed and worry that I'm spreading myself too thin. I am sensing that I need some extra support right now in my life, perhaps in the form of coaching or therapy. I need somewhere I can go and pour out all my worries and fears and confusion. I need some time and space just for me. I need to be able to receive, so that I can continue to let God work through me.

What I don't want you to know is that I have so much inside of me I want to share with the world - with you. A suspicion lurks inside me that I am not ready, that I am still too broken, that I am not capable of teaching or leading, and that I need the approval of certain people in my world before I can have faith and confidence in myself. Last night I looked for that approval and didn't find it - because my secret motive was to prove that I am indeed inadequate and not good enough yet. I have a blossoming mailing list and haven't written a single word to them yet. I have people wanting to collaborate and a sense of deep inferiority. I see how my ego is trying to lure me into failing, as 'proof' of its evaluation of who I am.

And yet... In the middle of this, there is a persistent voice whispering to me that now is the time and I am the one. 


So I am committing to transforming these beliefs, and remembering the Truth about myself.

And the Truth is...

I have a right to write whatever I want to and put it out into the world.
I am enough, just the way I am.
I am safe.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I am a blazing light.
I am beautiful.
I am an incredible teacher.
I am gifted.
I belong.
I am abundant. 
My contribution is valuable and valued.
I am inherently creative.
I am important.
And I am so, so, so loved.


I wonder what all these feeling and fears are really for, then? Deep breaths, and realising that as I take this step in articulating myself, I can in fact rely on myself for soothing, nurturing, reassurance and connection. I don't have to look outside of myself for validation. I don't have to rely on my partner to meet my needs - leaving us both free to actually be in relationship with each other. I know exactly what I need and I am able to ask for that and support myself in moving through fear and returning home to love.

And now, I am feeling grounded, present and peaceful again. So grateful for this space. So grateful I listened to the urge to write this morning. So grateful for you.

Love,
Elloa xx

Pretty ugly

Some days, I feel so ugly.

I know, I know; 'ugly isn't a feeling'.

But let me tell you - it is.

This is how ugly feels.

Ugly feels unloveable. Ugly feels alone. Ugly is rejected, less than, not worthy, not enough, weird, an outcast, beneath others, unsuccessful, unwanted, a rotting apple in the reduced section of a supermarket, shunned and shamed into a dark corner, handled and inspected, glanced at and then seen through, an object unworthy of attention, unworthy of being seen, unworthy of touch, tenderness or - God forbid - adoration.

Ugly is frozenness whenever a camera is around.

Ugly is wanting to smile but not allowing it in case anyone notices - and is repulsed by - the crookedness of your teeth.

See how this word, 'ugly', has wormed its way into my consciousness.

All I want is to feel pretty.

And then there is 'FAT'.

On a day when I 'feel' fat, I feel repulsive, disgusting, a freak, undisciplined, unloveable, a heifer, an object of ridicule, shame-ridden, guilt-ridden, gluttonous, less than human, deserving of judgement.

Being fat (even if it is only through my eyes and no one else's) means I have sacrificed the right to dignity, to pride, to loving myself or not being subjected to other people's opinions of Who I Am. Because I have let myself become Fat, and in so doing have given strangers permission to harass, ridicule and mock me, to make of me a freak show, a scapegoat, putty to be molded into any shape and size they want so long as they do not humanize me.

I have done all of these things to myself.

Because I believe I'm fat, I am a pig.

Because I believe I'm fat I don't have feelings.

Because I believe I'm fat I don't matter.

Because I believe I am fat, I live in hell.

See how this word, 'fat', has wormed its way into my consciousness.

All I want is to feel pretty.

Moreover, I am driven to be pretty, to make myself pretty; to shoehorn myself into 'slim', 'attractive', 'stylish', 'smooth', 'plucked', 'trim' and 'toned'. Not because I want to be an athlete, strong and feminine, awake to the power of my physicality. Not because I have authentically chosen this for myself.

No. Just because I believe that I need to be slim and pretty in order to think that I am allowed to feel  good about myself.

I have chosen this, for many, many years.

I have let my mind run riot.

And now I am asking the question: SAYS WHO?

-------

What if, by gathering with other women, we could change things?

What if we could change how we feel about ourselves?

What if we could find freedom?

Acceptance?

Joy?

Transparency?

True beauty?

Love?

LOVE.

What if, by gathering with real women, by sharing the scars that run so deep beneath the surface that they seem to have gouged away part of our sense of wholeness, we could realize that in truth, nothing has been lost, merely covered over?

What if we could un-cover (rather than re-cover) the sacred feminine presence that dwells within us?

True, it dwells so deep, in the realm of the inner child.

But stop for a moment and really consider this: What If?

This, my friends, is the purpose of the space I hold.

This is the reason we gather. We share stories. We reflect. We get quiet, and we speak, letting our voices cut through the barrage of cultural messages until they resonate clear and strong, until we can hear ourselves truly thinking our own thoughts, declaring what is true in the absence of all fear, declaring what is true when there is only love.

We gather so that we have the strength not to succumb to the thoughts we automatically  think when we see the latest make-up campaign (I am ugly and therefore all of the above). We gather to touch our own sorrow, to stand in the centre of the fire, face ourselves and face what we do to ourselves and say, 'ENOUGH. No more. I will not crucify myself like this any more.'

And it is gentle, this process. It is just one step at a time.

There is no pressure.

There is nothing to prove here.

No demands are made upon you.

You just come, and be as you are, and allow yourself to breathe, and listen, and observe, and feel.

You share if you want to share.

You say "no thank you" if you want to remain quiet.

And slowly, slowly, you and I and all the women in the circle remember that we are incredible, beautiful beings who have been given perhaps a few decades to simply shine our light.

It is time to get real about how we think and speak and feel about our bodies.

It's is time to let go of 'pretty'.

Love,

Elloa xx

P.S. I am starting a mailing list. To be on it, please send me an email to elloabarbour@gmail.com and I will add you to it. 

'We' Can Heal Our Life

We have decided to write a blog. Together. A post about being in a relationship, about life as a couple. Who is this 'we' that 'we' speak of? It's Nige and Ell, of course!


We are setting our intention here this evening (Nige just farted - how very timely), and we hope that you will join us as we expose the good, the bad and the innocent of being in relationship.


Right now, 'we' are deciding how 'we' want to express our own, individual voices on this blog. Notice the word 'we'. What we've noticed in the last couple of weeks, is that the word 'we' has become one of the most frequently used words we use in our vocabulary. We don't think we've used the word 'I' more than once or twice. We have decided to add variety and spice to the relationship - we may start using the word 'us' occasionally.


'We' is such an interesting concept: One Individual + One Individual = WE


Two separate bodies, with two separate personalities, decide to live together and two become one. Suddenly, they no longer have separate interests - they eat the same thing, they retire for bed at the same time every night, and they always order the same thing in a coffee shop, because one is always unsure of what to choose so it's easier to just order what the other person is having even if you don't like it. It's a bit like having sex - lie back and think of England, as they say.


We don't think we're doing too badly with all this 'we' stuff. After all, it is a word that spans many languages, age groups, cultures and even technological breakthroughs... read on if you don't believe 'us':


The French use the word we (pronounced oui). 

The Scottish also use the word we (pronounced wee).


Little boys often wee in their pants.


Young children are taught about the power of we when on a playground slide .. wheeeeeeee!


Even the Nintendo has jumped on the bandwagon, trying to be the first brand with codependant tendencies selling many variations of Wii.

Neil Diamond even wrote a song about the subject called 'We' (and if anyone in the pop world understands the nature of a loving relationship then it's Neil).

We found this great quote about the song on YouTube...

"The lyric of this song is so wonderful, it expresses exactly my deepest wishes of a ideal relationship. Thank you Neil for helping me to realize what i really want of 'my future-life'"

Even Buddha spoke of 'we':

'We are what we think. With our thoughts, we make our world.'

(c. 563-483 BC)

He was probably fused with the all-encompassing Oneness, rather than trapped in a codpendent relationship, but nevertheless he too spoke of 'we'. Buddha is definitely the way forward. (That is why we have a Buddha statue in our bedroom.)

It might seem like we're making light of this issue. Making light of it allows us to shine some light on the situation, enabling it - and us - to breathe, paving the way for a happy relationship.


Having noticed that there's a lot of we-ing going on, we've both decided to make a conscious choice to use the word 'I' and to make individual decisions. It's about respecting each other's differences. The one thing we always have available to us is freedom of choice. Every human being who walks this earth has their own frame of reference and preferences, and exercising this needn't be threatening to their partner or relationship. However, if you start to choose something different from the status quo, the ego may kick off, so don't be surprised if the very foundations of your relationship appear to shake and become unsteady beneath your feet! This is only temporary, as you start to learn a new way of thinking and being in your relationship.


Once you've begun to make loving choices for yourself, it becomes easier to enjoy connecting with your partner.


We're not experts, but we are happy together, and it is the seemingly insignificant daily choices that we've made and continue to make which determine who we are in the middle of our relationship: connecting in the morning, giving and receiving acknowledgements, really listening to what the other has to share (and that means being curious and open!), sharing meals, riding our bikes together, saying thank you and giving loving touch - these are some of the ingredients that combine to create a soft place to land. These choices are things we do together in the relationship but they also help us as individuals to be in relationship with ourselves.


There is an invisible line between us, and it is there for a reason. It's like walking alongside each other; our paths are parallel, but not enmeshed. As a woman, Elloa particularly likes the image of her 'life river' running alongside her partner's 'life path' - it reminds her to allow the relationship to flow and unfold in its own unique way. In Nige's words, don't cross the line.


The truth is that for a relationship to become conscious and fully alive, it takes practice and the willingness to choose again... and again... and again. Being in a relationship is a learning process and we're finding that it's best to remember to laugh at the absurdity of it all as we navigate the twists and turns.


Perhaps Neil was wrong.


Perhaps One Individual + One Individual = LOVE

I'm in the middle of The Forgiveness Project - a 30 Day Exploration of Forgiveness. Come and join me here.

The Forgiveness Project

Nige and I have been pondering... What would happen if you spent 30 days focussing on forgiving everyone who angers or upsets you in any way - and we mean everyone? Whether it's mild irritation, medium road rage or a fully blown fit of hysteria, forgiveness, we've found, is always the antidote that can help us move from fear to love.

What is forgiveness, anyway? Well for starters, it's a letting go of control and a need to be right (ouch!), genuinely putting myself into another person's shoes and truly recognizing that everything that another person seemingly does to me is either an extension of love, or a cry for it (yes, that does include the ignorant van driver who drives within a hair's breadth of me on my bike - yes, even that is a cry for love). Through practicing radical forgiveness, the heart bursts open to a new way of thinking and living, in which innocence becomes the order of the day.

So, for the next 30 days, this is exactly what Nige and I are going to do. Inspired by the amazing 41 day projects Julia has done this year, and reflecting on Nige's 104 day experiment in conscious dying, aware of how quickly a month seems to pass by, and so excited about starting the Screw Work Let's Play 30 Day Challenge on 1st October, now - this day, this moment - seems like the perfect time to begin a forgiveness project.

Love waits on welcome. To the degree that we are judging our fellow human beings is to the degree that we are refusing to let love into our lives. Not content with just coasting along, doing the work of forgiving when it's so intense that we can't carry on our day without doing it, we are, for the next 30 days, committing to forgive all of it.

If we truly take this to heart - and we mean, truly take it to heart, really, really forgiving everyone - and apply it in our everyday lives, then we will be doing our bit for world peace. We're talking about everything here, from the idiot on the road to world leaders, to the friends we secretly judge, to our families, our annoying neighbours, and especially, each other. We will leave no stone unturned. After all, what's the worst that could happen here? We might actually end up liking the arsehole. Woah!

On a serious note, this is about accountability. It's a revolution in how we speak, how we think, how we act, and it starts in the mind. It's about refusing to point the finger, and, when we do, forgiving ourselves anyway and letting it all go.

We would love for you to join us on this epic adventure. Get involved by leaving comments, blogging about it yourself and sending us a link, or going within and doing the work quietly - whatever suits you.

Let the forgiveness revolution begin...

... hand in hand.

Happiness

It isn't

that I'm flying high,

dancing through meadows or

frolicking in oceans

right now.

My happiness

is simpler

than that,

wrapped deceivingly in

a double decker journey,

studying gaits,

noticing colours 

and feeling

my aching feet

make contact with

the floor, warm and

flat

like a stone I

found on a beach

once.

It's knowing that

this moment is

King,

and I its Queen;

that watching 

people carry shopping and

old people grow

older

is perhaps the most precious

of experiences, for 

in them lies

the key to enlightenment - 

first

"chop wood, carry 

shopping"

and then

"I am not a body - 

I am free."

Children will play.

Girls will look

effortlessly beautiful

and not realize it until

many years later.

Feet will ache,

and in and out I breathe.

Becoming 

conscious, slowly,

of the neverending presence

of love

in me.

Birth

This week I was with my beautiful friend as she entered the final stage of her pregnancy, and the first stage of her baby's life on earth - her labour process.

It started on Sunday at midnight (2.00pm for her, when her waters broke), and she eventually welcomed her babe into the world on Tuesday at 11.00pm.

We walked, rocked, moved, breathed, danced, connected, listened, spoke, shared, hoped, waited, worried. It wasn't straightforward. It was utterly beautiful. It was one of the biggest honours I have ever had to be with her.

I am now a Godmother.

And a precious, perfect, innocent new life is with us. Welcome, beautiful babe! Welcome to the world. I promise to always remember the Truth about who you are, and to be here to support you and love you and be the angel who stands over you and whispers, "grow, grow."

This life is so precious, isn't it friends?

Go deep with me

You can go deep with me

Way down deep

beneath the "fine"s and 

"okay"s and

that same old tired, tight-lipped smile,

ever wearying,

fading as the sun sets;

cheeks wilting,

skin sagging

overcast irises not quite

knowing how

they will face another day.

You can go deep with me,

show me what you hide so carefully

the fucking frustration of it all,

the murderer,

the heartless

senseless

beast

who prowls unrelentingly

gnawing at the root of your soul.

Come, 

and go deep with me, and 

I will show you

that beneath the horror

of your hall of mirrors

lies a child

in a basement

quivering

lonely

touch starved

lovely

innocent

ever patient

awestruck,

as she looks out

into blazing brightness

dancing on a thousand stars,

fingers brushing the moon.

Tell me your secrets

and I promise you

that you will not be left

comfortless.

To thine own self...

I penned this a couple of weeks ago. It's far from perfect but I want to publish it anyway.

On more than one occasion, I have danced the night away on December 31st at a venue called Conway Hall in London. The hall is a wonderful space, and the atmopshere electric as hundreds of people in recovery move, groove and shake their thang to pumping beats and lyrical melodies. Above the stage, a Shakesperian quote reminded me of a truth that eluded me for so many years of my youth:

"To thine own self be true".

What a lesson, and how often I have deviated from this path!

Life is, as far as I can tell, teaching me this lesson once again at the moment. After months of wearing my 'business hat', I crashed and bottomed out a few weeks back, and emotional car crash of a human being unable to get through a day without tears, waves of desperation and an almost uncontrollable urge to hurt myself.

I've made some changes. I had to make some changes. I don't think I could have carried on without reverting back to type, and that is a pretty frightening place to be.

I'm leaving my job; just one more week to go. 

I'm tuning in to Ell, slowly, moment by moment.

I'm frightened, I'm limiting myself, and I'm trying to allow myself to stretch, grow, expand, reach for the light as a flower leans towards the sun.

I'm inviting the real Elloa to emerge, to come forth, to dare to bare her dreams, her ambitions, her truest insights into the kind of life she's always wanted to live. 

Doing this is so scary for me. I've been down this road before, and have allowed myself to be swayed, carried down a path I had never envisioned, until six months later I wake up to find myself at a dead end - again. Two and a half years ago, when I quit my job at Waterstone's, I thought that that was the last time I'd have to draw that particular line in the sand. Somehow over the last half a year, I allowed myself to get involved in a situation that didn't feel right from day one, because it was a job (and I needed one), it was a funky company (and there are so few of those out there), I was given responsibility (and that made me 'someone' in the world), it was only three days a week (then four, then five). Only in retrospect have I allowed myself to take a step back from the situation and get some perspective on it. Why couldn't I have just done that at the time?, I wonder accusingly. I could have saved myself, and Nige, and my boss a lot of trouble. Why do I have to be so.... Elloa?! Typical bloody Elloa!

And still the birds sing. The sun continues to rise, and shine and set. Life goes on, despite my mistakes. Is the guilt helping? No. No, it certainly is not. 

Well then Ell, it's time to drop it. 

The unanimous feature of being a human being, no matter where you live or who you are is that you can't tell what's going to happen in the future. Being fully alive means being present to the ever-unfolding now and trusting in the safety of that. Dark, haunting shadows of a doomed future are but misguided creations of my overactive imagination, and yet they seem real enough to me to trust. I believe these thoughts! And they terrify me. This is the very problem; that I trust my thoughts, when experience shows me that they're the least reliable form of guidance I've got!


So, with a week to go until I'm unemployed, I have no idea what the future will bring. But the birds are singing, my bike is amazing, and last night, Nige and I welcomed a stranger into our home and found in him a new friend, an inspiration and someone we could offer a hot shower, a washing machine and a warm night's sleep to.


I wonder what will happen next?


Perhaps the better question is, I wonder what is happening now?

I keep remembering to say yes to the whispers, and the whispers are telling me that one chapter is ending, another is shortly to begin, and there are a great many bike rides ahead of me.

Bike!

This is quite possibly the most wonderful purchase I have ever made in my entire life...

It rides like a dream come true.

I am one happy lady today!

A letter for Little Elloa - In My Daughter's Eyes project

Dear Little Elloa,

You are twelve years old and you think there is something awfully wrong with you. You hate your smile, your body, and you wish you were like Poppy. You feel so unhappy and you carry so much shame. It is so scary for you to go home after school, not knowing what you'll find when you walk in the door - Mama Jekyll or Monster Hyde. You desperately want to be liked by your classmates, and you carry so many secrets and guilt and fear. You feel so alone.

I want you to know that you are not alone. In all of those moments when you feel so lost, misunderstood, and lonely, I want you to know that I am there with you, and that my love for you is so deep and wide and unchanging, and that nothing can threaten it. Each experience you are going through now will become part of the beautiful tapestry of your life, and one day you will grow up to become a gentle, loving, creative woman who dances and is in love and travels the world and knows God.

I want you to know that I see you. You are not invisible. You are not second best. You are beautiful, precious, seen, innocent, and utterly lovable. It is so hard for you to see right now, but everything you're going through is happening for a reason and one day you will see it differently.


You are beautiful, little Elloa. So much of the pain you carry doesn't belong to you, and yet for some reason it is with you right now. I want you to know that one day you will be free of it. You will have the opportunity to give it back to the people whose pain it is, to see the magnitude of the generational pain and to be a healer. You will come to understand your life from a place of Love, and you will not regret the things that feel so hurtful and so shameful right now.


You will have the opportunity to be angry, to scream the place down, to thump your fists on the ground and crumble in a heap in His arms. And it is completely okay. It's all completely and utterly okay. You will remember the Truth, and you will come to understand that all these things you believe about yourself are simply not true.

There is simply no truth in your greatest fears about who you are. The truth waits, undamaged and unchanged, for you to turn inward and accept it. A quiet, assured voice whispers gently to you, through the things you love, reminding you of who you really are, and watching over you when you forget. This is why you are safe, little Elloa. This is why I can promise you that everything will be okay. Some days the pain will be unbearable, and some days you will believe that you truly hate who you are. You will not understand how you came to be where you are, but you will find hope, and then you will nourish the hope you have found.


The things in your life that you love, too, little Elloa, are so important! Take joy in them, and let them comfort you. It is safe for you to be who you are and to like what you like. Sing your Take That songs at the top of your lungs! The world needs to hear the joy that they bring to you. There are people in the world who will delight in sharing all this with you one day - friends, sisters, even a beautiful man! You don't need to pretend to be somebody you're not, and it's okay to experiment, too. Read your books, write your diaries, audition for plays and sing your heart out. You can sing you know, Elloa. Your voice is lovely and you sing with sincerity and heart.

And your smile... your smile was given you to share with the world. It doesn't look like anyone else's smile, and that's exactly the point. God wasn't mistaken when He created you, little Elloa. You're not supposed to look like Kristy, or Oonagh, or Poppy, or any of those girls. You're supposed to look like you. You really do shine, and you really are beautiful, and you really are enough. These tiny, faint whispers you hear are telling you the truth. I know that you will have an ongoing life lesson around women, and that that is part of the reason you're here, but if I can say anything to you, it would be this:

Please, little Elloa, when you look in the mirror,

Say "I am beautiful and lovely and free to be me,

Just the way I am."

However hard it might become in the next weeks and months and years... when the sadness you feel engulfs you like a tidal wave... when the only outlet for your pain is in pain itself... when all feels lost... I will be there, a step ahead and right beside you, within and all around, gently guiding you towards the truth, gently showing you the beauty that is yours, gently loving you when you cannot love yourself.

So follow your heart, and turn to God, and as much as you can Elloa, trust yourself and learn the lesson that nobody can give you your worth. It is yours already. It is yours to claim.

I love you now and forever.

Love,

Elloa xx

I wrote this to myself one morning after an awkward conversation with Nige on the phone. Nothing actually happened, but my phone kept cutting out, and for those minutes while we conversed, I just felt.. wrong somehow. I was ill at ease, and I suspected there was something wrong with me, that I'd said the wrong thing, in the wrong tone of voice, and that things were somehow not okay anymore.

I logged on and read Holly Renee's blog, discovering In My Daughter's Eyes, a project with which I strongly resonate. I knew that my 12 year old self badly wanted to have a letter be written to her. I wrote, and I cried. I saw myself, in 1995, shy and scared... and innocent.

And now? And now I can see again, and I remember that I'm safe, I'm loved, and that I am whole and complete.

If you are a woman, or if there is a woman in your life who is so lovely but who perhaps doesn't quite see herself the way you see her... point her in the direction of Pink Moss. Or, just write your 12 year-old self a letter. You never know, there may be something that she really needs to hear that only you can say to her.

Bike

Today I fell off my bike.

It's a noteworthy occasion because it hasn't happened before, except for when I rode straight onto the extremely pebbly beach in Worthing a couple of months ago. My bike came to a halt and fell to the ground, a straight 90 degree topple which landed me firmly on the stones. The same thing happened today, except that I was on a cycle path that became extremely precarious and sloped as it reached the road. I was in a big gear, and I saw what was happening before it happened. Luckily I landed on a soft grassy verge, and the only injury was to my ego. In fact, I confess that it was quite fun! I felt like a proper cyclist, almost as if falling off was the completion of some silent initiation ceremony. You've got to fall off, get back on, adjust your saddle, go for a wee in a field where passing cars can see your white bum crouching because you're utterly desperate and can't hold on any longer - then, you can call yourself a cyclist.

NB: I also had a wee in a field today, and I think three or four drivers saw my white ass, caught me pulling my cycling shorts up. And it felt damn good. (I nearly stung my bum on nettles though, which I can guarantee would not have felt good. I happily averted any kind of bum stinging this afternoon - hooray!)

I went out for a ride because today was one of those stunning spring days that insist you go outdoors. It's kind of the law in England, where "nice" and "day" are used so infrequently in the same sentence, weather wise at least. I rode to Rushfields Garden Centre, where Nige works, and had lunch with him by the pond. It's about a 9 mile ride up there, with a few minor hills. Great for getting the legs pumping and the lungs working properly. There were hundreds of tadpoles swimming around in the pond, and I sat cross legged and watched them, awed by their wriggly tails and tinyness. As I sat, I pondered two very important questions:

Do tadpoles have brains? Are they conscious beings?
Answers on a postcard to Elloa Tadpole Wonderer, the Pond, Rushfields Garden Centre.

I felt like I was witnessing a miracle when I saw a whole group of the tadpoles get behind a grey flowerpot that was floating at the top of the pond and start to push it across the pond. I was transfixed! It seemed utterly incredible to me that there was some kind of group intelligence operating whereby these tiny little polliwogs had agreed to transport a foreign object that was hundreds of times their individual size across the water. Amazing. Why on earth were they doing that?! Please enlighten me if you know.

I have to tell you that I adore being out on my bike. I completely and utterly love it. It's become a huge part of my life since September, and it's something I love doing alone and also with Nige. I've become much stronger and fitter, and the way I feel when I'm out - and, come to think of it, for hours afterwards - is simply incomparable to any city-based activity I can think of. The sense of satisfaction is tangible, as is the voracious appetite that follows a good jaunt on the bike. A spinning class might be great for pain tolerance and endurance, but I'd rather be out amongst the South Downs any day.

On my bike, I see the same views, the same places, the same roads that I see when I'm driving my car, but my experience of those things is entirely different when I'm on two wheels instead of being carefully enclosed in my Clio. I didn't know when I bought my bike that I was soon to be entering a new community, consisting of people wearing tight fitting shorts and tops and fingerless gloves, a community whose members mostly acknowledge other members out on the road with a nod, a wave and a hello. Have you ever seen a cyclist say hello to a car driver? As a cyclist, I don't think I've ever said hello to a car driver, and vice versa. But on the bike, it's hello here, hello there, hello across busy A roads, hello as you're overtaking or being overtaken, hello on trains and in B&Bs, hello in cafes on those all important cake stops. Today, I think I said hello about 25 times. About one for every mile I rode. There is, also, a cultural divide between road cyclists and mountain bikers, but in all honesty I've not experienced much hostility from road cyclists at all, and in fact they were friendlier than the mountain bikers today!

I've realised over the last seven months that I'm really quite content with a simple kind of life. I'm not really interested in going to clubs and bars anymore, and although I have a weakness for shopping, given the choice, I'd pick riding over being in the local shopping centre any day. It's a free day out, no two rides are ever the same, and it's so much fun!

Items seen by the side of the road today include:
- a toy mouse
- a wig (I kid you not)
- litter

Items seen recently by the side of the road include:
- three dead badgers (sad)
- swans in fields next to the military canal in Kent
- an elloa lying on grass insisting that she cannot go on.






Sometimes - and only ever in the presence of another human being, who, by default, is always Nige - I have bike tantrums. These are moments when I feel weak, or can't get my right foot into the pedal (it's always the right one - absolutely the stupid pedal's fault, not mine) or am generally annoyed at the fact that I am basically still a novice and therefore need some guidance or suggestions. I will flip out or pedal harder to get away from Nige, or stop and insist that I'm not going any further. Ouch. Sometimes, I am ashamed to admit, I behave very similarly to a small child who hasn't been given their way.

This admission, and indeed the behaviour itself, provides ample opportunity for me to fulfill my function and do the work that I am here to do: to forgive, to let go, to remember to laugh, to say fuck it and to change my mind. On our cycling trip in Kent last weekend, Nige and I had a few hairy moments. Stuff got triggered for one or both of us, and suddenly there was tension. We had to work through a whole set of beliefs in the car on the way to the B&B on Saturday morning! After doing the work we needed to do, Nige spoke about the true purpose of the relationship being revealed. Core stuff is coming up on a fairly regular basis at the moment, and it requires that I be attentive, respectful and surrendered, unless I want my old, fear-based patterns to carry on repeating themselves.

It was on Sunday though that a proper crisis popped up. Stuff happened over breakfast at the B&B, the details of which I don't need to go into. A few hours later, we were riding our bikes, and there it was - the Tension. Palpable, undeniable tension. I invited Nige to speak, and when he did, all my shit was triggered and I was not able to detach and simply hear him as a human being. Suddenly, his words were cutting into my very being. We actually crossed a new line for us, which was to enter into full blown bickering. Usually, one of us is in "adult" mode, or at least in it enough to know not to engage. But not this time.

It was lunacy! There we were, cycling through the "Garden of England", and I couldn't see a thing around me because I was consumed by my need to be right, and by my needs in general. Nige voiced his anger in a way he hasn't ever done before - it wasn't contained, it wasn't in the safe structure of a clearing, and I uttered ominously, "I don't like what's happening in this relationship." A statement, not a question. No curiosity. Just cold hard facts. This is the beginning of the end, now. Things are changing. He's changed. I've changed. Darkness has entered our relationship. I was a fool to think otherwise, an utter fool to delude myself into hoping that this was a 'holy' relationship. It was, I was convinced, a holey relationship - full of holes.

A mile or so later down the road, Nige stopped to ask directions. I don't know what happened, or how, but the Holy Spirit must have seen an opening. Nige checked that we were on the right road (which, of course, we were, only a mile away from the town of Lydd which we were aiming for en route to the very desolate and rather eeire Dungeness), and his bike was about two metres ahead of mine. Suddenly I said, "I really want to take a step towards you right now". Boom! An instant, a confession, a vulnerability, and the next thing I knew, we were crying in each other's arms, sharing our worlds and our wounds, correcting our mistaken beliefs.

I listened as Nige told me that when he was young, it wasn't safe for him to allow any gaps in the conversation, because in those gaps, he'd be pounced on and attacked. I shared with him that it is really hard for me to speak up, because I grew up believing that I was a burden to my mum and my family - and yet I have this compelling need to be seen. The one thing I think I need is the hardest thing for me to ask for, or take. Our dynamics click together like puzzle pieces born to slot into one another. No wonder there were fireworks.

We somehow managed to shift the paradigm we were working in, and within minutes were in the closing stages of a beautiful, authentic and healing process of connection and correction. There we both were, standing on a country lane on a hot Sunday, straddling our bikes and not the least bit aware of any passing cars or cyclists. I remembered my innocence; Nige remembered his. Innocence. Peace. Acceptance. Freedom. This is what we'd both been asking for over the breakfast table. It took a few hours, but we got there in the end.

Mighty Companions

We cycled off together, friends again - mighty companions! - and I saw the world anew with fresh eyes. I was and still am so grateful for the chance to forgive and be forgiven, for the opportunity to look into another person's life and see my own innocence reflected back to me. The love I feel for Nigel Atkinson is incomparable to anything I've ever known before. In him, I have the most beautiful man, the strongest one, the sacred one in whose arms I am repaired. I offer these same gifts to him, and we ride along and heal together and live again and remember to laugh.

Just a few minutes later, I declared, "I really like what's happening in our relationship." I think it's very important to take the ego's self-righteous convictions and turn them into statements of grace. Where I had been so convinced ten minutes before that things were going downhill for us and that 'this was the beginning of the end', now I simply knew in my heart that all was well, all was safe and that nothing real could be threatened. Love is. Everything else, I made up. The truth is not vulnerable to my ego's pitiful attacks on it, and whatever my ego decides to throw at it cannot change the fact that God loves me. In the back of my mind, I hear it whisper to me sometimes, things that are sinister and world-based: "One day, he'll die and you'll be left all alone", or, "He'll go off you soon enough Elloa. Everyone gets sick of you eventually." The thing is.... even if something like this did happen in my life, it wouldn't mean what my ego says it'd mean. I'd still be loveable, acceptable, enough. I'd still be love.

I like to ride my bicycle. This is what I wanted to share with you today, because I've done four bike rides in the last 8 days and have had an excellent time. What seems to transpire though, every time I sit down to write, is how every situation in my life is an opportunity to live and teach one of two things: love, or fear.

Today, I choose love.

What do you choose?