The First Women's Circle... and my message for you today

Tuesday evening was a milestone in my life: my first Women's Circle. I say 'my circle' because it's important for me to have a sense of ownership of the circle and of the fact that I created it.


Creating - being creative, being a creator - is something that has been in the shadows for me for a number of years. Julia Cameron talks a lot about shadow artists: blocked creatives who find themselves hanging around with a lot of artists, musicians, writers, sculptors, actors, and poets, living in quiet envy, supporting their creative spouse, friends, colleagues and children but somehow not managing to dive into their own creativity.

I have so known this space.

The act of creating something, whether that is a picture, poem or indeed a space, has felt frightening to me. What if what I create isn't understood or liked by people? What if I get rejected on some level? What if it's not noticed or recognized? What if what if what if.... This is the crazy what if train, a world in itself, a state of paralysis.

These fears - these little mind thoughts - have almost crippled me.

But they couldn't kill the desire to create. 

Yesterday's video was one tiny (bizarre!) outpouring of that. 'But the world doesn't need any more writers', my ego protests nastily. Maybe not. 'Everything that needs to be said is being said.' (Notice the horrible pooey colour that the ego writes in. Perhaps so, I respond. But I need to say these things. 


And besides... each of us is creating every single day - whether we admit it or not.


So on Tuesday, I created a sacred space, and two beautiful women came along. I read The Invitation to them, and invited them to ponder what is no longer serving them, what they want to let go of, and what they're ready to change. We shared. We gave feedback to each other. We drank herbal tea, and giggled, and wrote wish lists, and then gave each other delicious massages. I had a lovely time! And today I got the feedback that they did too.

Lovely homemade flyer

The support I have received from fellow challengers on the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge has been truly incredible, and I don't know that I would have had the courage to follow this acorn of an idea through to the manifestation of an actual circle had it not been for the daily support, encouragement and spurring on I've received from the space and community involved in the challenge.

So this is my message today - support one another.
Cheer your friends on, encourage them to take the next baby step, commit to doing a tiny but focussed amount on your project every day (20 minutes of distractionless time can work miracles) and get accountability buddies - people who love you enough to challenge you when you're not stepping fully into your magnificence, to be honest with you, to gently but firmly dare you to take the next step.

Because we've only got one life. One chance to live today. The sun has gone down here in England, and Thursday 20th October 2011 will never come around again.
Heck people - this moment is all that we have! (Thanks, Oprah, for the reminder).

So if you're putting off living your life until some undefined day in the future, making excuses to yourself that sound like this: 'when I've got more money/time/freedom / when I'm not so busy at work or stressed out / when I'm in a better space and feel more loving towards myself / etc etc, then I'll follow what's in my heart'... please, STOP!

Just go, right now, and do one tiny act of magnificence for yourself. Have some freakin' fun!
Dance round your kitchen.
Do a handstand.
Draw a dog.
Call a loved one.
Just do something, anything, to shift the energy and get yourself creating again.

Because the world needs your light, just like it needed my women's circle on Tuesday. Just like it needs this blog post. And just like it needs the little dance I'm about to do right now, straight after pressing 'Publish'.

Love you... let me know how it goes.
Elloa xx

The Invitation

This beautiful poem, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, is how I am opening the space for the women this evening at the very first Sacred Women's Circle in Steyning.


May these words sink deep into your being. 
May you know that you are loved.

Today's powerful, inviting sky

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can

disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah from her book, THE INVITATION (c)1999. Published by HarperONE, San Francisco. 
All rights reserved. Presented with permission of the author. www.oriah.org

Just enough light to take the next step

I am struck by how there is always just enough light to take the next step, and by how I cannot possibly know what the next step is until I take the one that is right in front of me.

Today I went to Shoreham by Sea, a lovely town a few miles away that I used to live in before Nige and I moved in together. There's a couple of health food shops in the town, with completely different vibes. One is very 'yummy mummy', and the other is all eco and painted signs, with art on the walls. I like both, but they are very different. I usually shop at the second one.

I am acquaintances with the girl who runs the second shop. Her name is Joanna and she has long bleached blonde dreadlocks and awesome eye make up. I showed her the flyer, she was all guns blazing, "Wow! This is awesome. If it was in Shoreham, I'd definitely come" (she has no car to get to Steyning and yes, sadly, to get to my village there is only one bus an hour. And yes, her words were red and purple and green and orange and pink and blue. They definitely were.)

She loved my flyer :)

Another lady called Mary, who does Reiki healings and tarot readings on people then came into the shop, and instantly gave the same response. "Wow, amazing, when are you starting, if you do it in Shoreham I'll be there. I can think of 5 people immediately who'd come along. This is so needed."

Then Joanna suggested a space that's currently being renovated that I might like to take a look at, if I was considering running a second women's circle, in Shoreham. 

Going with the flow, I went off to see it. 

It was an awesome space: a big airy room called The Loft with wooden floors and lots of light. Very similar in fact to the space I envisioned in a session with the amazing Alia a few months ago. BUT the guy wants 50% of my takings in the long run (although he'll give me 6 months or so to get the group up to a decent size without charging any rent, and said he'll do some advertising for it, too).

He has bought the place and wants to do what he called a 'partnership' with people like me who want to run groups or classes, instead of hiring the room out on an hourly basis. I think he's a shrewd businessman. I'm not convinced it's entirely fair on me in the long run.

Still, I liked the space and I'm going to have a play with the numbers to see how it all pans out.

I arrived home to find some amazing feedback from Marianne Cantwell about my blog. She loves the content but loathes the design. Update: She doesn't love the design because she doesn't think it reflects my magnificence. It was great to hear! So I plan to work on that (and have changed it in the short term, to mix things up a bit. What do you think?? Please leave a comment!)

So I'm here on day 6 of the awesome 30 day challenge, wondering...

• Is Steyning the right place for the circle (at least, is it right right now)?
• Is Shoreham the right place for the circle (right now)?
• Can I get the word out in Steyning without paying to be in the local magazine when I don't really know anyone here?

I wonder where this is all going.... it's pretty scary, and pretty exciting too! I never would have known that I'd be here if I hadn't taken the leap to get some momentum going on the project.

So... what is YOUR next step? It could be tiny... a five minute burst of activity, a putting of pen to paper, a conversation, a vision board session? 

I'd love to hear... it only takes a minute girl (or boy), to leave a comment, to leave a comment (Take That fans will get the reference)

Love,

Elloa xx

Screw Work, Let's Play

October is a big month for me. I am doing the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge (hopefully continuing to forgive along the way!).

I will be uploading my progress from the challenge to this space, because I love this space, and because I know that my commitment is really going to be elsewhere.

All I can say, one day in, is that this challenge is frikkin' powerful. Deeply, deeply powerful.

May the miracles unfold...

My project is:

Starting a fortnightly women's circle in Steyning, West Sussex. The circle will be a place for women to come and share stories, express themselves in a brilliant variety of ways, sing, drum, play, dance, laugh, cry, weave dreams, and step into their magnificence.

On the 30 October at 5pm I will be sharing the following with the community as the output of my project:

I will have run my first women's circle (on October 18th - the room is booked!) and will be preparing for the second circle on November 1st. I'll write about the evening, including photos where appropriate, and will publish this on my blog and on this site. If the circle has covered my costs and generated my first playcheque, I will joyfully photograph it for you!

What excites me the most about this project is...

Stepping into my magnificence as I create a space for women to step into theirs. When women gather together, miracles happen. That I could be the conduit of that process is so, so exciting for me.

I am also excited at the picture I have in my mind of the kind of space the circle will be and of the atmosphere I envision for it. I intend to hold an amazing space for these everyday Goddesses.

What scares me the most about this project is...

Stepping into my magnificence. Excitement and fear are so closely intertwined for me. Specifically, inviting people to come along to the circle (inviting, not selling!) and the projected image in my mind of whether I'll be 'up to the job' of holding the space on the night and whether I'll 'perform' and 'be good enough' (thank you, Top Dog. Now get lost!)

I hereby commit to the 30 Day Challenge pledge because... 

I am ready to answer the call in my heart to step into leadership and take the action necessary to bring my dreams to life. It is time to shine!

Love,

Elloa xx

Messy Creative desk

Me, very excited, with almost finished flyers

Homemade flyers

It's the end of the world as we know it

September 30th 2011: Day 30 of The Forgiveness Project.

What an amazing month it has been. I know I haven't posted as much as I'd have liked to, but believe me, in the last couple of weeks there has been some hardcore healing going on! (Check out my makeover in the picture just below!)

First, there was the baby issue. I got broody, and it was a big deal to begin to discuss that issue with Nige, for lots of reasons, which I wrote about here.

Then there was the jealousy stuff, which arose more than once over the last couple of weeks, including today. When I get jealous, I truly believe that I am being left out, forgotten about, loved less than I was a moment before. It's as if love is a finite substance to be dished out in measured portions, and if I think or perceive that I'm getting any less in this moment than I like or want, out comes the second head, and within a split second I have an uncanny ability to remake myself in the image of Linda Blair in 'The Exorcist'. *shudders*

My new Facebook profile picture

I decided to forgive myself yesterday for not calling one of my elderly gardening clients for weeks on end, and I bit the bullet and called her. Apologising was hard; the guilt I was feeling rose briskly to the surface, glaring at me and telling me I ought to be ashamed of myself. I'd been avoiding that one moment of discomfort for ages, sitting instead with the ongoing sense of disquiet because I had let her down and really, had acted out of integrity. That just didn't sit comfortably with me. So I faced it, and called, and said my sorry, and it wasn't just waved away by her, which told me that perhaps I really had let her down. That was uncomfortable, too. But I am making my amends by taking her out in early November. And I can forgive myself for being imperfect.

What I keep discovering is this: through forgiveness, I have been given the ability to have the world as I know it end, and a new one begin, right in the moment of forgiving. This choice, which often is a shift so infinitesimal that it's barely noticeable, starts with simply being willing to see the situation that I am in differently. When I get stuck, that's all I need to ask myself: am I at least willing to see something different here? My answer is almost always "yes", which paves the way for a different, more empowering, freer and happier choice even before my ego has had a chance to object with "but...". When my answer isn't "yes, I'm willing to see this differently", I can clearly see that what I am saying is, "no, I don't want to see this differently. I am so convinced that I'm right, and I so want to be right that I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness just to prove a point". By which point I'm usually unable to uphold the insanity for a moment longer, and concede that yes, I am in fact willing to see this differently.

Then I remember that this is who I really am... xx

You see, the thing that I've re-learned this month is this: all power is of the mind. I can make or break my happiness with a thought. And it's all internal! There's nothing outside me that can make me truly happy if I am not willing to choose happiness for myself. Contrarily, nobody and nothing can make me unhappy if my heartfelt intention is to be at peace. Sooner or later, Love always wins. And that, in my life, is a fact.

As these 30 days draw to a close, I am about to embark on another 30 day adventure, this time of a very different kind. I'm doing the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge, in which 200 groovy people, myself included, are bringing an idea of theirs to life. Wow! More on this over the next 30 days, but suffice to say that this is a huge leap into my magnificence, the bringing to life of one of my dreams and a far out soul project all rolled into one. More very shortly on that.

But for now, how was September for you? What is the one main lesson you're taking from it? I'd love to hear.

Au revoir, September. You've been a corker.

The 'B' word

*This is a rather long post. I needed to write it that way. It might take a few minutes longer than normal to read. Just letting you know.*

Some days, life seems to want to dish up a seemingly bigger or more potent lesson than other days. It's day 25 of The Forgiveness Project, and with the end of the project, and the month, in clear sight, I'm hardly surprised to have found myself, and my beautiful beloved, in need of a good ol' clearing.

The subject? The 'B' word, that most terrifying of areas for me to broach with Nige -- babies. Or rather, baby, and the fact that since I became a Godmother three months ago (already?! How does time do that?), I have begun to question my firmly held, thirteen year old notion that 'I don't want children.'

It's not that I suddenly do want kids; it's more that I'm starting to question it, and to find that I don't know the answer as solidly as I have since I was 15 years old, when I realized that my blossoming breasts and widening hips were developing for a biological purpose, and that I couldn't ever imagine myself having children of my own (despite really, really adoring children), and that in fact I didn't think I actually wanted them at all.

In thirteen years, that opinion has barely changed. But recently... recently, I've begun to wonder. And the doubt that has crept silently, and I must say uninvitedly, into my heart, has threatened so much in my world, rocking the mobile of our expectations, understanding and perhaps even the external foundations that we seem to have agreed upon for our life together.

Nige has given his consent for me to write about this: we decided a while ago that we don't want to have children.

People around me, usually older than me, have told me that I am bound to change my mind (and the full extent of their opinions as well, in some cases), and one by one they tried to plant a seed of doubt in my mind.

But it was really only when I was on the maternity ward with my beautiful friend who has blossomed into a beautiful mother, that I really grasped the magnificence, the miraculous nature and the sheer enormity and wonder of motherhood - of birth, of the responsibility and divinity of being a parent, of the incomparable nature of this role. And I cried, as a whole new part of myself began to be revealed to me, like a land that you'd only read about in newspapers or seen on tv with a really bad reception - distant, crackly, left to your imagination to fill in the blanks. Of course, I have known mothers. I have witnessed mothers. I've been friends with them, and I've been around them. But I have never been around babies much, apart from when I worked in cafes, and the first time I held my friend's baby, my heart burst open and I felt something akin to unconditional love for this child -- this child that wasn't even my child.

So here I am on day 25 of a month long commitment to dive deep into whatever forgiveness opportunities presented themselves, and last night I was called to share my doubt with Nige, having tentatively mentioned things since my Goddaughter was born, testing the water, putting the feelers out there to see how he responded.

Let's just say that we both had to do a clearing around it.

I must be clear with you here: becoming parents has not been something that has been in my of Nige's vision of our life together (although of course I've pondered and wondered and imagined, always left with a sense of impossibility around it and feeling that I really didn't think this was what I wanted).

Why not? Isn't it the most natural thing in the world to do? And wouldn't I make a great mother? Even my English language students this summer, in a lesson in which they made predictions about one another, agreed in force and with much laughter that I will one day make an amazing wife and mother. I protested that it's not what I want, and was met with dubious looking faces. By people who don't even know the word 'dubious' in the English language.

So, why not?

Because it's f-ing scary to think about the implication it would have on our lives, on my life and on his. - not to mention this sacred little being who we would be responsible for bringing into the world. This isn't a selfish issue at all - there is an innocent third party whose very existence depends on it! And because all around us, in friends' and family members' lives, we see people whose lives are swallowed up by having kids, and that is quite a terrifying proposition. I mean, I'll be blunt with you - a lot of people who have children seem to come to resent the little b@!*tards; they tell us as much. Because I wouldn't want to bring a being into such a broken, messed up world. And because it upheaves everything I've imagined about my life, and where it's going. Because it would mean sacrificing so much, giving up so much. And am I capable of giving everything that a child needs? Because I'm 28 now, and I'm only just starting to really step into my power - I mean, my 'career' is completely up in the air and I'm an under-earner and even if I did want a child, and if Nige did too, and we both agreed to embark on the irreversible and incredible journey of parenthood, how on earth and in heaven would we finance it?! I can barely meet my bills at the moment. Also, because this world is scary. And because it would be the end of things as we know them. Things between us would change, and that frightens me too. And perhaps most of all because I dread repeating the mistakes of my parents, and I'm faced with the inevitability that that might happen because that's what humans do. I'm frightened of becoming an abuser and ruining my child's life.

There. I've said it.

But at the same time... what if?

Airing this tiny shift in my mind was a big deal. Some people might lock these things, these quiet yearnings, right into their heart. They might tell their friends. They might devote their aching to a journal, or their prayers. But for me, the most honest thing I could do was come right out and talk to my fiance about it. Because it concerns him, and us, as well as me, in a major, major way. Not sharing this with Nige would have been to hide a vital part of myself. Suddenly, there's a wall in the relationship where, in order for intimacy to occur, there needs to be a window.

In telling Nige, I let him know me a little bit more, and perhaps I gave him a gift that he wouldn't have had if I hadn't told him. Maybe it allowed him to explore or experience an aspect of himself that never would have emerged had that conversation not happened. But for sure I know tonight that my partner knows me. He knows where I'm at. He knows my heart. He knows a new and fresh aspect of me, one that I'm just awakening to myself. I love the Love that is always on the other side of me walking through my fear. I took a risk, and after being snarled at by the bulldog, I came to see the beautiful person that was also calling to be witnessed and seen. I was witnessed and seen too, and now I don't need to shroud my heart in darkness. I can let everything breathe. Breath is life-giving, and things like these need to be allowed to live, otherwise I risk carrying a ghost of a thought around with me for the rest of my life, and I risk it becoming stagnant and toxic inside of me.

I don't need people telling me what I will or will not want, although I am grateful for the various influences who have prompted this most unexpected unfolding of ever deeper parts of my heart. This is obviously a huge and deep subject, and I'm sure that if you've read this far, there are thoughts, heart murmurings, musings, experiences, reflections, wishes, hopes and insights that you have, too, which I would love to hear.

But for today, this is enough - that I've aired my doubt, the doubt about how solid I am in my conviction of definitely not wanting children ever. And the forgiveness journey continues on for another day.

Expectations, expectations

Expectations are weird, aren't they? I once asked a friend once about what she was expecting to happen around a particular event, and although I can't remember the circumstances, I distinctly recall her response. She said, "I try not to have expectations." Woah! My expectation of her expectations was completely blown out of the water.

I'm writing this today because I think I've been expecting 'more' of The Forgiveness Project. Not being able to check in each day and write, because I was on holiday and cycling (and Nige would definitely not have forgiven me if I'd packed my really heavy laptop in the panniers which he was carting around), has, I feel, hindered my progress with the project. As if I really was supposed to reach some kind of zenith of enlightenment, rather than being 22 days in and by and large still being the same human being. Pah. Who wants to be normal when you can be healed?

Perhaps I have been deceiving myself a little, too. Being with another human being 24/7 is the fastest way to see their perfectly imperfect yet quite irksome flaws. Having just read Nige's assessment of my 'dodgy gear changes' whilst driving Winston II Once Removed (aka his 1989 Honda Civic) (see day 11), I am provoked into something of a defensive outburst... I do not change gears dodgily! See! The dictionary doesn't even recognize that as a real word! And in fact, mister, if you want to get personal, there is in you, I must point out, a road rager who emerges as soon as you turn the key in the ignition (and sometimes even before!)

"Oh my God," Nige says, reading over my shoulder. "Where's the forgiveness in that?!"

He's right of course. Where is the forgiveness? Because here I am on day 22 slightly annoyed that I haven't written every single day of this project, slightly overwhelmed by the things happening in my life (new freelance jobs, being a Godmother, just about to start the 30 Day Screw Work Let's Play Challenge, etc etc), and slowly realizing that actually, perhaps these past 22 days have been just right. Not too much for me to handle. Just enough forgiveness opportunities to make this project palatable without tearing my inner world apart. Just... right.

Now, about that bloody bus driver this afternoon..... This song is one I used to love love love and listened to non-stop. I feel it's very pertinent for today.

Still forgiving, 20 days in

A week spent away from computers, away from home, amongst hills, paths, fells and villages with a bike and a mighty companion for company have provided me with so many opportunities for forgiveness.

Every day of this project, Nige and I have spoken about, and (hopefully!) practiced forgiveness. The journey is far from over. With ten more days to go, there is much to be said, and a lifetime of forgiving is unfolding before me.

Today, however, I am called to write elsewhere. I have an interview tomorrow for a writing job and am going to visit my beautiful friend and her beautiful daughter after that, so once again it may be a couple of days until I can pour upon the page. There is so much that I long to share with you, so much that matters to me, so much that I have tasted in the last week of my life.

But perhaps, for now, I am simply asked to continue focusing on forgiveness, and trusting that all that needs to be said, shared and heard will be, at just the right moment.

Until then, know this...


"Forget not that the healing of God's Son [children] is all the world is for. That is the only purpose the Holy Spirit sees in it, and thus the only one it has."

May the hush of heaven hold your heart today, and may your day be full of purpose, love, and connection.

xxx

Forgiveness on 9/11

Learning that I can choose love instead of fear has been the most profound lesson of my life.

There is only one thing I could possibly put into a post about 9/11.

Please watch this video.

Much love
Elloa xx

P.S. Nige and I are going away for a cycling holiday today so updates may be limited. Have a forgive-full week!

'We' Can Heal Our Life

We have decided to write a blog. Together. A post about being in a relationship, about life as a couple. Who is this 'we' that 'we' speak of? It's Nige and Ell, of course!


We are setting our intention here this evening (Nige just farted - how very timely), and we hope that you will join us as we expose the good, the bad and the innocent of being in relationship.


Right now, 'we' are deciding how 'we' want to express our own, individual voices on this blog. Notice the word 'we'. What we've noticed in the last couple of weeks, is that the word 'we' has become one of the most frequently used words we use in our vocabulary. We don't think we've used the word 'I' more than once or twice. We have decided to add variety and spice to the relationship - we may start using the word 'us' occasionally.


'We' is such an interesting concept: One Individual + One Individual = WE


Two separate bodies, with two separate personalities, decide to live together and two become one. Suddenly, they no longer have separate interests - they eat the same thing, they retire for bed at the same time every night, and they always order the same thing in a coffee shop, because one is always unsure of what to choose so it's easier to just order what the other person is having even if you don't like it. It's a bit like having sex - lie back and think of England, as they say.


We don't think we're doing too badly with all this 'we' stuff. After all, it is a word that spans many languages, age groups, cultures and even technological breakthroughs... read on if you don't believe 'us':


The French use the word we (pronounced oui). 

The Scottish also use the word we (pronounced wee).


Little boys often wee in their pants.


Young children are taught about the power of we when on a playground slide .. wheeeeeeee!


Even the Nintendo has jumped on the bandwagon, trying to be the first brand with codependant tendencies selling many variations of Wii.

Neil Diamond even wrote a song about the subject called 'We' (and if anyone in the pop world understands the nature of a loving relationship then it's Neil).

We found this great quote about the song on YouTube...

"The lyric of this song is so wonderful, it expresses exactly my deepest wishes of a ideal relationship. Thank you Neil for helping me to realize what i really want of 'my future-life'"

Even Buddha spoke of 'we':

'We are what we think. With our thoughts, we make our world.'

(c. 563-483 BC)

He was probably fused with the all-encompassing Oneness, rather than trapped in a codpendent relationship, but nevertheless he too spoke of 'we'. Buddha is definitely the way forward. (That is why we have a Buddha statue in our bedroom.)

It might seem like we're making light of this issue. Making light of it allows us to shine some light on the situation, enabling it - and us - to breathe, paving the way for a happy relationship.


Having noticed that there's a lot of we-ing going on, we've both decided to make a conscious choice to use the word 'I' and to make individual decisions. It's about respecting each other's differences. The one thing we always have available to us is freedom of choice. Every human being who walks this earth has their own frame of reference and preferences, and exercising this needn't be threatening to their partner or relationship. However, if you start to choose something different from the status quo, the ego may kick off, so don't be surprised if the very foundations of your relationship appear to shake and become unsteady beneath your feet! This is only temporary, as you start to learn a new way of thinking and being in your relationship.


Once you've begun to make loving choices for yourself, it becomes easier to enjoy connecting with your partner.


We're not experts, but we are happy together, and it is the seemingly insignificant daily choices that we've made and continue to make which determine who we are in the middle of our relationship: connecting in the morning, giving and receiving acknowledgements, really listening to what the other has to share (and that means being curious and open!), sharing meals, riding our bikes together, saying thank you and giving loving touch - these are some of the ingredients that combine to create a soft place to land. These choices are things we do together in the relationship but they also help us as individuals to be in relationship with ourselves.


There is an invisible line between us, and it is there for a reason. It's like walking alongside each other; our paths are parallel, but not enmeshed. As a woman, Elloa particularly likes the image of her 'life river' running alongside her partner's 'life path' - it reminds her to allow the relationship to flow and unfold in its own unique way. In Nige's words, don't cross the line.


The truth is that for a relationship to become conscious and fully alive, it takes practice and the willingness to choose again... and again... and again. Being in a relationship is a learning process and we're finding that it's best to remember to laugh at the absurdity of it all as we navigate the twists and turns.


Perhaps Neil was wrong.


Perhaps One Individual + One Individual = LOVE

I'm in the middle of The Forgiveness Project - a 30 Day Exploration of Forgiveness. Come and join me here.

The Forgiveness Project

Nige and I have been pondering... What would happen if you spent 30 days focussing on forgiving everyone who angers or upsets you in any way - and we mean everyone? Whether it's mild irritation, medium road rage or a fully blown fit of hysteria, forgiveness, we've found, is always the antidote that can help us move from fear to love.

What is forgiveness, anyway? Well for starters, it's a letting go of control and a need to be right (ouch!), genuinely putting myself into another person's shoes and truly recognizing that everything that another person seemingly does to me is either an extension of love, or a cry for it (yes, that does include the ignorant van driver who drives within a hair's breadth of me on my bike - yes, even that is a cry for love). Through practicing radical forgiveness, the heart bursts open to a new way of thinking and living, in which innocence becomes the order of the day.

So, for the next 30 days, this is exactly what Nige and I are going to do. Inspired by the amazing 41 day projects Julia has done this year, and reflecting on Nige's 104 day experiment in conscious dying, aware of how quickly a month seems to pass by, and so excited about starting the Screw Work Let's Play 30 Day Challenge on 1st October, now - this day, this moment - seems like the perfect time to begin a forgiveness project.

Love waits on welcome. To the degree that we are judging our fellow human beings is to the degree that we are refusing to let love into our lives. Not content with just coasting along, doing the work of forgiving when it's so intense that we can't carry on our day without doing it, we are, for the next 30 days, committing to forgive all of it.

If we truly take this to heart - and we mean, truly take it to heart, really, really forgiving everyone - and apply it in our everyday lives, then we will be doing our bit for world peace. We're talking about everything here, from the idiot on the road to world leaders, to the friends we secretly judge, to our families, our annoying neighbours, and especially, each other. We will leave no stone unturned. After all, what's the worst that could happen here? We might actually end up liking the arsehole. Woah!

On a serious note, this is about accountability. It's a revolution in how we speak, how we think, how we act, and it starts in the mind. It's about refusing to point the finger, and, when we do, forgiving ourselves anyway and letting it all go.

We would love for you to join us on this epic adventure. Get involved by leaving comments, blogging about it yourself and sending us a link, or going within and doing the work quietly - whatever suits you.

Let the forgiveness revolution begin...

... hand in hand.