I feel all over the place today. I am struggling to settle.
I woke up and my beloved wasn't in bed next to me. Immediately, a wave of sadness and aloneness washed over me. I padded into the living room expecting to find him in a standing meditation. I was greeted by a lit tealight burning in stillness, an angel statue and soft music - but no Nige; only the afterglow of his presence.
Anxious, I headed down the hallway to our second-bedroom-come-office, wondering if he'd gone out on his bike and realizing that I had a real sense of needing to connect with him this morning. Last night something happened which really upset me, core beliefs and deep wounds engulfing my body, heart and mind. I felt lost, alone, unworthy, unloveable, and ashamed as Nige and I drove back home, and it took a long pep talk with myself to coax me into sharing what was going on with him.
I wanted so much to be reassured by Nige this morning, to be held in his arms until all my fears and doubts melted away. Feeling very vulnerable wasn't on my agenda as I headed home yesterday afternoon; I spent the weekend assisting and supporting at a deeply transformative, life-changing, mindblowing workshop and had experienced, given and received so much love that I really wasn't expecting to conclude the whole experience with a sense of overwhelming brokenness.
As I stepped through the doorway into our office, there was Nige sitting at his computer, dressed and ready for work, a poem in front of him on the screen. I stopped, hoping he would stand up and come over to me, give me a hug and say good morning. He turned and looked at me, his face unsmiling, deep in thought, and he didn't get up.
I froze.
A moment of abandonment jolted in my stomach, and I said good morning. He didn't come over to me and I didn't go over to him. He told me he was working on changing a poem he'd written the day before, and read the new final stanza to me. Rejection burning in my solar plexus, I listened and put away socks, jumpers and the last few bits and pieces left over from my weekend. My head felt jarred, and his words hovered emptily in the room. I couldn't connect with them. I retreated into the kitchen, a storm brewing in my body, wondering how I could feel so crazy and disconnected after the utterly incredible weekend I had just experienced.
And all morning, this feeling has stayed with me.
What I don't want you to know is that I feel frightened today. I feel out of control in my life. I am having doubts about everything - about who I am, about what I have to bring to the world, about my worth. I am believing that I have nothing worthwhile to offer, that my contribution isn't wanted, impactful or valuable. I believe today that I am at the bottom of the pile, that I am last on the list, that I am one who gets forgotten about, missed, not seen, heard and loved.
All this despite - or perhaps in spite of - the soulful, authentic, overwhelming connection I experienced this weekend. I belief all this about myself today, despite being in this place just two days ago...
Beautiful Angels whispering words of truth to me - and me believing them
Coming back into my home environment has felt awkward, foreign and scary. An urge to bolt, to run away has risen up from inside my belly, and I have found myself thinking it would be easier to be dead, that somehow I need to be away from this life I am in. That some kind of peace or answer or solace is somewhere other than right here in my life right at this very moment.
If you know this place at all in your own life, you'll know that it is paralysing. Here, there is no breath, no room to create, no flow. Just fear, anxiety, shame, loneliness and sadness.
My very best thoughts and judgements on the world and what I experience in it have left me here - bruised, frightened and paralysed. And yet I know I have a choice. That's what prompted me to write this today. My resources feel depleted and yet I know that a different choice is available to me today, that somewhere inside of me is love and that I can depend on that love.
So I pour out my worries and fears and know that if peace is my goal, they will dissolve, because my investment in believing them will be less than my desire to return to love.
What I don't want you to know is that I don't know what my next step is. I feel overwhelmed and worry that I'm spreading myself too thin. I am sensing that I need some extra support right now in my life, perhaps in the form of coaching or therapy. I need somewhere I can go and pour out all my worries and fears and confusion. I need some time and space just for me. I need to be able to receive, so that I can continue to let God work through me.
What I don't want you to know is that I have so much inside of me I want to share with the world - with you. A suspicion lurks inside me that I am not ready, that I am still too broken, that I am not capable of teaching or leading, and that I need the approval of certain people in my world before I can have faith and confidence in myself. Last night I looked for that approval and didn't find it - because my secret motive was to prove that I am indeed inadequate and not good enough yet. I have a blossoming mailing list and haven't written a single word to them yet. I have people wanting to collaborate and a sense of deep inferiority. I see how my ego is trying to lure me into failing, as 'proof' of its evaluation of who I am.
And yet... In the middle of this, there is a persistent voice whispering to me that now is the time and I am the one.
So I am committing to transforming these beliefs, and remembering the Truth about myself.
And the Truth is...
I have a right to write whatever I want to and put it out into the world. I am enough, just the way I am. I am safe. I am exactly where I need to be. I am a blazing light. I am beautiful. I am an incredible teacher. I am gifted. I belong. I am abundant. My contribution is valuable and valued. I am inherently creative. I am important. And I am so, so, so loved.
I wonder what all these feeling and fears are really for, then? Deep breaths, and realising that as I take this step in articulating myself, I can in fact rely on myself for soothing, nurturing, reassurance and connection. I don't have to look outside of myself for validation. I don't have to rely on my partner to meet my needs - leaving us both free to actually be in relationship with each other. I know exactly what I need and I am able to ask for that and support myself in moving through fear and returning home to love.
And now, I am feeling grounded, present and peaceful again. So grateful for this space. So grateful I listened to the urge to write this morning. So grateful for you.
Ugly feels unloveable. Ugly feels alone. Ugly is rejected, less than, not worthy, not enough, weird, an outcast, beneath others, unsuccessful, unwanted, a rotting apple in the reduced section of a supermarket, shunned and shamed into a dark corner, handled and inspected, glanced at and then seen through, an object unworthy of attention, unworthy of being seen, unworthy of touch, tenderness or - God forbid - adoration.
Ugly is frozenness whenever a camera is around.
Ugly is wanting to smile but not allowing it in case anyone notices - and is repulsed by - the crookedness of your teeth.
See how this word, 'ugly', has wormed its way into my consciousness.
All I want is to feel pretty.
And then there is 'FAT'.
On a day when I 'feel' fat, I feel repulsive, disgusting, a freak, undisciplined, unloveable, a heifer, an object of ridicule, shame-ridden, guilt-ridden, gluttonous, less than human, deserving of judgement.
Being fat (even if it is only through my eyes and no one else's) means I have sacrificed the right to dignity, to pride, to loving myself or not being subjected to other people's opinions of Who I Am. Because I have let myself become Fat, and in so doing have given strangers permission to harass, ridicule and mock me, to make of me a freak show, a scapegoat, putty to be molded into any shape and size they want so long as they do not humanize me.
I have done all of these things to myself.
Because I believe I'm fat, I am a pig.
Because I believe I'm fat I don't have feelings.
Because I believe I'm fat I don't matter.
Because I believe I am fat, I live in hell.
See how this word, 'fat', has wormed its way into my consciousness.
All I want is to feel pretty.
Moreover, I am driven to be pretty, to make myself pretty; to shoehorn myself into 'slim', 'attractive', 'stylish', 'smooth', 'plucked', 'trim' and 'toned'. Not because I want to be an athlete, strong and feminine, awake to the power of my physicality. Not because I have authentically chosen this for myself.
No. Just because I believe that I need to be slim and pretty in order to think that I am allowed to feel good about myself.
I have chosen this, for many, many years.
I have let my mind run riot.
And now I am asking the question: SAYS WHO?
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What if, by gathering with other women, we could change things?
What if we could change how we feel about ourselves?
What if we could find freedom?
Acceptance?
Joy?
Transparency?
True beauty?
Love?
LOVE.
What if, by gathering with real women, by sharing the scars that run so deep beneath the surface that they seem to have gouged away part of our sense of wholeness, we could realize that in truth, nothing has been lost, merely covered over?
What if we could un-cover (rather than re-cover) the sacred feminine presence that dwells within us?
True, it dwells so deep, in the realm of the inner child.
But stop for a moment and really consider this: What If?
This is the reason we gather. We share stories. We reflect. We get quiet, and we speak, letting our voices cut through the barrage of cultural messages until they resonate clear and strong, until we can hear ourselves truly thinking our own thoughts, declaring what is true in the absence of all fear, declaring what is true when there is only love.
We gather so that we have the strength not to succumb to the thoughts we automatically think when we see the latest make-up campaign (I am ugly and therefore all of the above). We gather to touch our own sorrow, to stand in the centre of the fire, face ourselves and face what we do to ourselves and say, 'ENOUGH. No more. I will not crucify myself like this any more.'
And it is gentle, this process. It is just one step at a time.
There is no pressure.
There is nothing to prove here.
No demands are made upon you.
You just come, and be as you are, and allow yourself to breathe, and listen, and observe, and feel.
You share if you want to share.
You say "no thank you" if you want to remain quiet.
And slowly, slowly, you and I and all the women in the circle remember that we are incredible, beautiful beings who have been given perhaps a few decades to simply shine our light.
It is time to get real about how we think and speak and feel about our bodies.
It's is time to let go of 'pretty'.
Love,
Elloa xx
P.S. I am starting a mailing list. To be on it, please send me an email to elloabarbour@gmail.com and I will add you to it.
I have just discovered this wonderful poem which was written by the late Charlie Chaplin on his 70th birthday, April 16th 1959. It's beautiful and thought provoking and lovely. Enjoy...
As I Began to Love Myself, a poem by Charlie Chaplin
As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.
As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.
As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.
As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health - food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.
As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.
As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.
As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.
We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!
Back then... I starved myself of nourishment and love. I told myself I was "fat", but what I really believed was that I was unloveable. Now... I nourish my body, heart, mind and soul with loving actions and loving thoughts. I notice when I'm being super hard on myself, clear it, and change my mind. I choose to love myself instead. I make self-care a massive priority in my life.
Back then... I felt out of place, awkward and never felt secure. I lived in a state of red alert, ears pricked, eyes scanning my surroundings fearfully, waiting for the next abandonment. Now... I surround myself with loving souls who appreciate me for who I am. I take the risk to let my guard down and show you who I really am. I walk through my fear of abandonment and remember that I am safe in every moment. I surrender my defenses and do my best to let him love me.
Back then... I hunched my body over in photographs, peeking out from the smallest bit of space I could squash myself into. I lived in a 'bucket of f***' and drowned in quicksands of shame. Now... I put my shoulders back, look straight into the camera and say to myself, "You are beautiful, Elloa." I keep reminding myself to extend my neck, imagining there is a golden thread suspending me from heaven. I allow my body to expand. I'm learning to take my space in photographs, in the world.
Back then... I blacked out, numbed out, passed out, cried out, walked out, fell out, drowned out, dying inside. Now... I tune in, check in, walk towards, turn up, show up, wake up, work out, reach out, leap about, laugh out loud, live a multicoloured, simple life.
Back then... I cut my arms with a sewing needle. I chewed food up and spat it out. I sickened myself. I loathed being me. I stuffed thousands of calories, stuffing until I threw up in my sugar-induced stuporous sleep. I got depressed. I lost all hope. I drank, puffed, drugged, trashed myself, betrayed, lied, exaggerated, stole, saw things, heard things, isolated, bitterly despised and became an empty shell of a human being. Now... I wake up in the morning and half-asleep, I ask, "How can I be of service today?" to the beautiful Spirit that has loved, nourished and nurtured me back to wholeness. I stop sometimes and simply feel myself breathing in, breathing out. I practice saying thank you, a lot. I write down my dreams and wishes. I listen to my heart. I feel. I exercise - regularly - and it has changed my life. I don't count calories. I read inspirational books. I try to become the next best version of myself. I focus on what I can give. I wonder how other people are and I listen to their stories, try to hear the child underneath. I play. I give to myself. I am beginning to let my inner child make the art she always wanted to. I mess up. I brush myself off. I say sorry. I embrace being alive.
Back then... Oh, how I would love to go back and hold myself. I guess I had to go through that long, dark night of the soul. It made me fiercely, passionately willing to do the work to claw my way back to life. Now... I recognize that this truly is a life beyond my wildest dreams. I open myself right now to the amazing gifts that the Universe has for me, and I accept without fear or doubt that I have a massive and exquisite purpose.
Perfectly imperfect xx
There are so many young women out there who are going through what I went through a few years ago. To all the hurting ones, I want to say this:
It truly is darkest before the dawn.
It may not seem like it right now, but I promise you that things can be different, and you can heal.
There is so much goodness in this world, and so much love inside you.
You are innocent.
You are enough - just the way you are.
You are utterly precious and completely irreplaceable.
You are beyond comparison.
You are not your anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, self-harm, promiscuity, self-hate, shame, guilt, despair, sense of brokenness. You are so much bigger than all of those things put together.
If you want to know a different way, ask for help.
Ask and keep on asking until you see a tiny chink of light.
You will see it. It will appear.
And when it does, even if in the beginning it is the tiniest whisper, focus on it.
Think about it every day.
Ask it what you need to do to help it grow.
Water it with loving thoughts, tiny changes, a walk in the park, a massage, a love letter to yourself.
You will know love. You will know love.
And never, ever, ever give up hope. There is another way and it is just waiting for you to turn and face it.
