Monday, 7 June 2010

The J word

Jealously I guard you,
Mine, mine, MINE
Angrily I starve you
Of all that is divine,
Stomach churns as I read words
From you to her to you,
A tiny voice proclaims the truth
But it can't quite get through.
So what do I do?

I act, I react, plot and plan
All the while I know it's mad
Worry, how I worry!

I am so wrong
And you'll be gone before 
too long if I continue 
in this way
I know I'm toxic - you'll not stay
You'll go away and find a home
While I'm left here 

A simple rhyme, a heartfelt cry
A yearn for peace, my ego feasts
I breathe in deep,
I write these words,
feel stiff with hurt
I cuss and curse
The hurt gets worse.

what is this for?
God where's the door
out of
this place?
It's here.

In your tears.
Amidst your fears.
Sweet, sweet Elloa, I promise I hear.
I promise I'm here.
There's no truth in fear.

So breathe it all in.
And let it all out.
You have to let go, El.
You have to allow
This man to live free,
Or you'll never be
You think that it's hard
Impossible even
You're sure that you'll start
To drown in your feelings
But in you is peace
Forgiveness and truth
So breathe El, relax,
And let it come through.
I love you.

Yes, even now, I love you.

This is as close as I get today to returning to a state of love and peace. I hear the faintest whisper of home, beckoning me in each bird's song, in the glittering sunlight, in miniscule moments of sanity.

I am 'in the middle of something' right now and it's the yuckiest, muckiest, worst part of me. I am terrified. I feel alone. I am churned up. I am angry. I hate. I shake. I want to lash out, to hurt. I am reminded of so much, of so many things. I feel abandoned.

And yet, I know there is a gift in this for me. I have faith in that. I am seeing how much my peace of mind depends on this particular relationship, and that unsettles me. I feel a bit lost in myself, like I don't quite know who I am without him. Except that I do know. I know that I am a bright, life infested being who adores moments of beauty and takes joy in simplicity. And that right now, I feel physically sick. Aeons of betrayal course through my veins. I can't quite get to the other side. And my companion, the one I usually walk through stuff with, is miles away from this place. So I take baby steps, a word here, a breath there, an inching out into the world today, and I find that it hasn't fallen apart because I have not forgiven. My friends - thank God for friends! - reassure me that I am not insane.

And I wake, and hear these words in my mind, "Attack is never justified" (acim), and I know that at some point, I have to surrender being right in order to be happy. But right now, I'm pissed that they get to get away with whatever they want while I am the one who has to change.

Meanwhile, silence, no response. Conflict, a phantom enemy that I try to avoid at all costs, shows up with rigidity-inducing prescience. A tight chest. Nausea. Evidence all around me.

I lay my soul bare here, guessing this won't be read anyway. I have been pootling along, imagining that I have somehow escaped the fate of so many recovering addicts - a legacy of failed relationships. Today, a reality check.

I am a human being, and this is my dark side, the side I hide, the side I don't want you to know, the side that will make you go away.

Isn't it?

Eventually, I will have to answer questions.
Do I want to be a grown up or a groan up?
My sole responsibility is my soul responsibility.
My soul responsibility is my sole responsibility.
Somehow, in the middle of this dark forest, I gotta find a way out. Follow the flickers of light until they lead me to a clearing.

I'll let you all know how it goes.


Holly Renee said...

This is an amazing poem. Seriously one of the best I have ever read.

I go to an ACIM study group every week and sometimes we talk about how it's hard being the ones who are making the changes, the ones who are choosing love, in a world where so many people choose attack and fear. As ACIM students we know that we are seeking peace and love for ourselves, but sometimes the ego takes a hold of us and tells us otherwise.

I really hope you make it through this soon. This poem was so touching and I'm glad I read it.

Elan said...

I love that reminder of "attack is never justified." The poem is powerful, and it is great that that you are putting this out there during a challenging time. Thanks.

As well, I put a reply to you underneath your comment on my blog.