What Matters Now

1. What Matters Now (Inspired by Seth Godin): Think about the here and now. What matters most to you right now? How are you going to nurture what matters in during 2012?

What matters to me right now.

What matters to me right now?

What matters to me is this:

- Nige and my relationship with him. Mighty companions, soft place to land. 

- My work as a teacher. I am finding that the more I teach, the more I realise that living my 'purpose' in this life isn't about reaching or preaching to thousands of people, as my ego would like it to be. It's about the daily connections. It's about me remembering that, as the Buddhists teach, this one in front of me, this one, is brother, sister, mother, father and child to me. We are all connected. The people I am meant to reach, I will meet. I don't need to scramble around anymore, looking for some elusive life purpose when right here, right now, there are so many people who need help remembering the truth about themselves, just like me.

- My friendships. What I don't want you to know is that I feel ashamed of the ways I have behaved at different times this year. What I don't want you to know is that I believe I am a failure at friendships. What I don't want you to know is that sometimes I feel awkward and don't know how to connect, especially with women. What I don't want you to know is that I believe that I am disposable, that people don't really need me to be their friend because there will be someone better out there for them. And yet... and yet you matter to me. And despite the snide whispered evaluation of my worth inside my mind, I have an inkling that deep down, I matter to you too.

- The Clearmind community that I am a part of and the work that we do in that community to remember the truth about ourselves and each other, ACIM style. I am starting to work on the winter issue of The Ripple magazine, and I acknowledge the deep desire that is swelling up from within to create something that will have a deep and powerful ripple effect.

- Choosing to mind the gap. Compulsive eating has reared its head in my life again recently, and what matters to me right now is choosing to walk a path of freedom away from a personal hell. One step at a time.

- My sisters. Rosie, Daisy and Edie, you are so important to me.

- My mum, my dad(s), my grandparents. I intend to stay in touch more in 2012. Starting now.

- Love, love, love.

- GIVING MYSELF AN F-ING BREAK.

- Slowing way down; being here now.

1. Reframing (Inspired by Patrick Rhone): How are you framing yourself and your life? Could you reframe things going into 2012?

I don't know if you've noticed two thought systems running inside your mind. I have. They are both available to me in every moment. One runs on fear, toxicity and shame. The other, love. On any given day, I frame my life according to one of these two mindsets. The way I am currently framing my life looks something like this...

I am heading for financial ruin. (Everything will be just fine.)

I need to find a 'proper' job, otherwise I'm going to end up thousands of pounds in debt. (I'm exactly where you're meant to be. I'm being taken care of - who knows what exciting things are just around the corner!)

I am a bad friend. I don't keep in touch with my friends enough and I don't make an effort to go and see them enough. I am too scared to even pick up the phone and just say hi. (I am kind, loving and loyal. I love my friends. I want to know about their lives. I do the best I can to stay in touch. I recognize that I am afraid to reach out some days, and that is okay. Every moment is a chance to start again.)

My relationship is falling apart. (Only the love is real between us. I can choose again... and again... and again. I am kind, caring and really, really doing the best I can. Relationships aren't easy! So gentleness and a willingness to take a risk to be intimate are vital. Especially gentleness. Being cruel to myself won't help me to be present in my relationship with Nige. Gently does it Ell... you have come from a pretty dysfunctional family, and perhaps this is a time of growing pains. Just keep coming back to love. One step at a time.)

The women's circle I started is not growing because I haven't even bothered to invite anyone else. (You do go on, don't you? Won't you ever give the poor girl a break? No wonder she's not sleeping at night! For your information, the women's circle is going just fine. I am learning with each one, and have learned some pretty big lessons very early on. For this I am grateful.)

I am a total bitch. Look how I treated Nige in the gym the other day. I can't even control my moods. I am worse than a teenager and a toddler. I should know better. (I am innocent. In those moments when I act out, I am simply afraid. I can choose to do it differently. Besides, not every workout has been like that. There is something here for me to see and learn. I am doing the best I can.)

This is how I'm framing my life. This morning I have chosen to give a lot more space, time and thought to the second thought system. Sometimes I feel like the only one that exists is the first one - the one that batters me, tosses me about, hurls me against the same brick wall again and again, slamming my face against concrete and leaving me feeling utterly desperate. But then... then... then I find just one moment of freedom: I glance at the sky, or out to sea. I take a long, deep, conscious breath. I stop and reassure myself. And even if it doesn't sink in, I know this - that somewhere, it does. That love is real, that the fear I feel is of my own making, that it's all make believe inside my head. It is not the outside situation that determines the meaning. It is me who gives meaning to everything that happens in my life. And I am committing to continuing to allow my life to mean one thing: that only the love is real in any situation. 

Only the love is real.

One Word & Community

Two Reverb 11 prompts for you today!


One Word (Written by Gwen Bell): Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?


Community (Written by Cali Harris): Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2011? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2012?


One word
Hm, encapsulate 2011 in one word? That's tough. I've been thinking about this for about 36 hours now (not constantly, mind!), and the word that has come up for me is 'Kaleidoscope'. This year has been a whirlwind of colours, emotions and experiences. I've lived through desperation, exhilaration, connection, isolation, newness, longevity, times of breathtaking beauty and others of bleak greyness.


Many months ago, whilst immersed in the middle of a process centred around my purpose and how that might manifest in my work in the world (an ongoing process, I might add), I made this picture.

I think it pretty much sums up what my year has been like. 

One thing I can't say about 2011 is that it's been dull. Whether it's been cycling over the top of the Yorkshire Moors at 3mph in crazily strong head-on winds with my beloved Nige or cycling downhill at 45mph, assisting conscious connected breathing exercises in a life-changing workshop, teaching English to people from all over the world (including, I admit, a country I had never heard of before - Turkmanistan), or the myraid other experiences I've had, I have, despite all my fears and worries, lived a colourful, multi-faceted, explorative, delicious year. It's been pretty f-ing wonderful, to be honest with you.

And my word for 2012?

I have been so busy trying to think of a word for 2011 that I'm not quite ready to reveal my 2012 word yet. You'll have to wait and see! (Um, so will I). 

Community

Communing, being in community, is something I've craved in the last couple of years of my life - and I am delighted that looking back on the year, it's been there in many different ways.

- Henfield Theatre Company has provided me with a really down-to-earth, fun way of connecting with people from all walks of life. Being in two shows plus a concert gave me a place to connect with people twice a week.

- This lovely blog, and the blogs I love to read - Painted Path, Inner Bliss, Backdoor to the Moon, For-giving For-getting and Everything In Between, aLifeness, What We Create, Lori Portka, People Like Us - are just some of the wonderful places I adore hanging out.

- Moving to the village of Steyning and beginning to get to know people has given me a tangible experience of community.

- Teaching English as a foreign language - EFL schools are like mini communities in themselves, and I've worked at two different schools which I have loved.

- Doing the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge was like taking steroids for community building. Wicked experience, but really intense (not sustainable for me in the long run - I was online, connecting with people and their projects, for way too long for it to be something I could've kept up for longer than a month.) John Williams in his wisdom closed the community after the challenge finished, and now a bunch of us continue to connect on Facebook.

- Cycling and meeting other cyclists. It's like being in a club with no official membership card, but discovering that other people are in it is very exciting to my inner child. Just yesterday I learned that one of the teachers at school is also a road cyclist and I wanted to jump up and down, swap stories and compare routes.

- I hope that the women's circle in Steyning will continue to grow and provide a point of connection and community for the women in the village and the surrounding areas.

- Working at the editor of Clearmind International's online magazine, as well as assisting on The Awakening workshop, is quite simply the most incredible experience of community. I would love everyone I know to try this work. It is heaven on earth.

In 2012, I intend to continue with the above, but particularly to strengthen my sense of community and communion with women (we are unreservedly amazing, every single one of us, and I have learned so much this year about being a woman), both online and face to face at the women's circle. 

I promise myself and you that I will get the mailing list up and running. I've been suffering a bit of writer's block around this... But I think the solution is to be real, authentic and honest, pretty much how I try to be in my life.

I am going to grow my work with women in a number of exciting ways, including my first ever women's one day workshop in London (email me for more info! elloabarbour@gmail.com) and at least one e-course to be launched in early 2012... more on this soon!

Your turn!! What is your one word, and where and how have you experienced community this year... and what's your vision for the next 13 months?! xxxxxx

All Over The Place

I feel all over the place today. I am struggling to settle.

I woke up and my beloved wasn't in bed next to me. Immediately, a wave of sadness and aloneness washed over me. I padded into the living room expecting to find him in a standing meditation. I was greeted by a lit tealight burning in stillness, an angel statue and soft music - but no Nige; only the afterglow of his presence.

Anxious, I headed down the hallway to our second-bedroom-come-office, wondering if he'd gone out on his bike and realizing that I had a real sense of needing to connect with him this morning. Last night something happened which really upset me, core beliefs and deep wounds engulfing my body, heart and mind. I felt lost, alone, unworthy, unloveable, and ashamed as Nige and I drove back home, and it took a long pep talk with myself to coax me into sharing what was going on with him.

I wanted so much to be reassured by Nige this morning, to be held in his arms until all my fears and doubts melted away. Feeling very vulnerable wasn't on my agenda as I headed home yesterday afternoon; I spent the weekend assisting and supporting at a deeply transformative, life-changing, mindblowing workshop and had experienced, given and received so much love that I really wasn't expecting to conclude the whole experience with a sense of overwhelming brokenness.

As I stepped through the doorway into our office, there was Nige sitting at his computer, dressed and ready for work, a poem in front of him on the screen. I stopped, hoping he would stand up and come over to me, give me a hug and say good morning. He turned and looked at me, his face unsmiling, deep in thought, and he didn't get up.

I froze.

A moment of abandonment jolted in my stomach, and I said good morning. He didn't come over to me and I didn't go over to him. He told me he was working on changing a poem he'd written the day before, and read the new final stanza to me. Rejection burning in my solar plexus, I listened and put away socks, jumpers and the last few bits and pieces left over from my weekend. My head felt jarred, and his words hovered emptily in the room. I couldn't connect with them. I retreated into the kitchen, a storm brewing in my body, wondering how I could feel so crazy and disconnected after the utterly incredible weekend I had just experienced.

And all morning, this feeling has stayed with me.

What I don't want you to know is that I feel frightened today. I feel out of control in my life. I am having doubts about everything - about who I am, about what I have to bring to the world, about my worth. I am believing that I have nothing worthwhile to offer, that my contribution isn't wanted, impactful or valuable. I believe today that I am at the bottom of the pile, that I am last on the list, that I am one who gets forgotten about, missed, not seen, heard and loved.

All this despite - or perhaps in spite of - the soulful, authentic, overwhelming connection I experienced this weekend. I belief all this about myself today, despite being in this place just two days ago...

Beautiful Angels whispering words of truth to me - and me believing them

Coming back into my home environment has felt awkward, foreign and scary. An urge to bolt, to run away has risen up from inside my belly, and I have found myself thinking it would be easier to be dead, that somehow I need to be away from this life I am in. That some kind of peace or answer or solace is somewhere other than right here in my life right at this very moment.

If you know this place at all in your own life, you'll know that it is paralysing. Here, there is no breath, no room to create, no flow. Just fear, anxiety, shame, loneliness and sadness.

My very best thoughts and judgements on the world and what I experience in it have left me here - bruised, frightened and paralysed. And yet I know I have a choice. That's what prompted me to write this today. My resources feel depleted and yet I know that a different choice is available to me today, that somewhere inside of me is love and that I can depend on that love. 


So I pour out my worries and fears and know that if peace is my goal, they will dissolve, because my investment in believing them will be less than my desire to return to love.

What I don't want you to know is that I don't know what my next step is. I feel overwhelmed and worry that I'm spreading myself too thin. I am sensing that I need some extra support right now in my life, perhaps in the form of coaching or therapy. I need somewhere I can go and pour out all my worries and fears and confusion. I need some time and space just for me. I need to be able to receive, so that I can continue to let God work through me.

What I don't want you to know is that I have so much inside of me I want to share with the world - with you. A suspicion lurks inside me that I am not ready, that I am still too broken, that I am not capable of teaching or leading, and that I need the approval of certain people in my world before I can have faith and confidence in myself. Last night I looked for that approval and didn't find it - because my secret motive was to prove that I am indeed inadequate and not good enough yet. I have a blossoming mailing list and haven't written a single word to them yet. I have people wanting to collaborate and a sense of deep inferiority. I see how my ego is trying to lure me into failing, as 'proof' of its evaluation of who I am.

And yet... In the middle of this, there is a persistent voice whispering to me that now is the time and I am the one. 


So I am committing to transforming these beliefs, and remembering the Truth about myself.

And the Truth is...

I have a right to write whatever I want to and put it out into the world.
I am enough, just the way I am.
I am safe.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I am a blazing light.
I am beautiful.
I am an incredible teacher.
I am gifted.
I belong.
I am abundant. 
My contribution is valuable and valued.
I am inherently creative.
I am important.
And I am so, so, so loved.


I wonder what all these feeling and fears are really for, then? Deep breaths, and realising that as I take this step in articulating myself, I can in fact rely on myself for soothing, nurturing, reassurance and connection. I don't have to look outside of myself for validation. I don't have to rely on my partner to meet my needs - leaving us both free to actually be in relationship with each other. I know exactly what I need and I am able to ask for that and support myself in moving through fear and returning home to love.

And now, I am feeling grounded, present and peaceful again. So grateful for this space. So grateful I listened to the urge to write this morning. So grateful for you.

Love,
Elloa xx

The First Women's Circle... and my message for you today

Tuesday evening was a milestone in my life: my first Women's Circle. I say 'my circle' because it's important for me to have a sense of ownership of the circle and of the fact that I created it.


Creating - being creative, being a creator - is something that has been in the shadows for me for a number of years. Julia Cameron talks a lot about shadow artists: blocked creatives who find themselves hanging around with a lot of artists, musicians, writers, sculptors, actors, and poets, living in quiet envy, supporting their creative spouse, friends, colleagues and children but somehow not managing to dive into their own creativity.

I have so known this space.

The act of creating something, whether that is a picture, poem or indeed a space, has felt frightening to me. What if what I create isn't understood or liked by people? What if I get rejected on some level? What if it's not noticed or recognized? What if what if what if.... This is the crazy what if train, a world in itself, a state of paralysis.

These fears - these little mind thoughts - have almost crippled me.

But they couldn't kill the desire to create. 

Yesterday's video was one tiny (bizarre!) outpouring of that. 'But the world doesn't need any more writers', my ego protests nastily. Maybe not. 'Everything that needs to be said is being said.' (Notice the horrible pooey colour that the ego writes in. Perhaps so, I respond. But I need to say these things. 


And besides... each of us is creating every single day - whether we admit it or not.


So on Tuesday, I created a sacred space, and two beautiful women came along. I read The Invitation to them, and invited them to ponder what is no longer serving them, what they want to let go of, and what they're ready to change. We shared. We gave feedback to each other. We drank herbal tea, and giggled, and wrote wish lists, and then gave each other delicious massages. I had a lovely time! And today I got the feedback that they did too.

Lovely homemade flyer

The support I have received from fellow challengers on the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge has been truly incredible, and I don't know that I would have had the courage to follow this acorn of an idea through to the manifestation of an actual circle had it not been for the daily support, encouragement and spurring on I've received from the space and community involved in the challenge.

So this is my message today - support one another.
Cheer your friends on, encourage them to take the next baby step, commit to doing a tiny but focussed amount on your project every day (20 minutes of distractionless time can work miracles) and get accountability buddies - people who love you enough to challenge you when you're not stepping fully into your magnificence, to be honest with you, to gently but firmly dare you to take the next step.

Because we've only got one life. One chance to live today. The sun has gone down here in England, and Thursday 20th October 2011 will never come around again.
Heck people - this moment is all that we have! (Thanks, Oprah, for the reminder).

So if you're putting off living your life until some undefined day in the future, making excuses to yourself that sound like this: 'when I've got more money/time/freedom / when I'm not so busy at work or stressed out / when I'm in a better space and feel more loving towards myself / etc etc, then I'll follow what's in my heart'... please, STOP!

Just go, right now, and do one tiny act of magnificence for yourself. Have some freakin' fun!
Dance round your kitchen.
Do a handstand.
Draw a dog.
Call a loved one.
Just do something, anything, to shift the energy and get yourself creating again.

Because the world needs your light, just like it needed my women's circle on Tuesday. Just like it needs this blog post. And just like it needs the little dance I'm about to do right now, straight after pressing 'Publish'.

Love you... let me know how it goes.
Elloa xx

The Invitation

This beautiful poem, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, is how I am opening the space for the women this evening at the very first Sacred Women's Circle in Steyning.


May these words sink deep into your being. 
May you know that you are loved.

Today's powerful, inviting sky

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can

disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah from her book, THE INVITATION (c)1999. Published by HarperONE, San Francisco. 
All rights reserved. Presented with permission of the author. www.oriah.org

As I Began to Love Myself

I have just discovered this wonderful poem which was written by the late Charlie Chaplin on his 70th birthday, April 16th 1959. It's beautiful and thought provoking and lovely. Enjoy...

As I Began to Love Myself, a poem by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself
I found that anguish and emotional suffering  are only warning signs
that I was living against my own truth.

Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person,
even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it,
and even though this person was me.
Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time,
and everything happens at the exactly right moment.
So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm.
Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health -
food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself.
At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.
Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right,
and ever since I was wrong less of the time.
Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future.
Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening.
Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick.
But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally.
Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others.
Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.
Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!

Beautiful flowers sent with love

Screw Work, Let's Play

October is a big month for me. I am doing the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge (hopefully continuing to forgive along the way!).

I will be uploading my progress from the challenge to this space, because I love this space, and because I know that my commitment is really going to be elsewhere.

All I can say, one day in, is that this challenge is frikkin' powerful. Deeply, deeply powerful.

May the miracles unfold...

My project is:

Starting a fortnightly women's circle in Steyning, West Sussex. The circle will be a place for women to come and share stories, express themselves in a brilliant variety of ways, sing, drum, play, dance, laugh, cry, weave dreams, and step into their magnificence.

On the 30 October at 5pm I will be sharing the following with the community as the output of my project:

I will have run my first women's circle (on October 18th - the room is booked!) and will be preparing for the second circle on November 1st. I'll write about the evening, including photos where appropriate, and will publish this on my blog and on this site. If the circle has covered my costs and generated my first playcheque, I will joyfully photograph it for you!

What excites me the most about this project is...

Stepping into my magnificence as I create a space for women to step into theirs. When women gather together, miracles happen. That I could be the conduit of that process is so, so exciting for me.

I am also excited at the picture I have in my mind of the kind of space the circle will be and of the atmosphere I envision for it. I intend to hold an amazing space for these everyday Goddesses.

What scares me the most about this project is...

Stepping into my magnificence. Excitement and fear are so closely intertwined for me. Specifically, inviting people to come along to the circle (inviting, not selling!) and the projected image in my mind of whether I'll be 'up to the job' of holding the space on the night and whether I'll 'perform' and 'be good enough' (thank you, Top Dog. Now get lost!)

I hereby commit to the 30 Day Challenge pledge because... 

I am ready to answer the call in my heart to step into leadership and take the action necessary to bring my dreams to life. It is time to shine!

Love,

Elloa xx

Messy Creative desk

Me, very excited, with almost finished flyers

Homemade flyers

When I take a risk

When I take a risk...
Amazing things seem to happen:
Doing one thing every day that scares me
Is yielding incredible results.
I am braver; I made it down the hill.
And
I asked if anyone wants to be my first
coaching client and
immediately, someone wonderful said yes!
I knew it was time to shine
again
and I got a teaching job
just like that
 - no long application needed, no interview.
Just, welcome,
and,
Teach.

What else?

I've opened myself to him,
and every cell in my body
seems to pop, crackle and fizz.
Also, it is time to open my arms
to the flow of abundance
that is just waiting to rush through my life
welcoming the river,
allowing it to flow.
And the most wonderful people
keep coming my way,
like they can't help themselves
but want to hang out in my orbit.

I am so grateful.

The risks are scary
but!
taking them -
just
day by day -
is totally transforming my
precious,
tender,
once-in-a-lifetime
life.

Go deep with me

You can go deep with me

Way down deep

beneath the "fine"s and 

"okay"s and

that same old tired, tight-lipped smile,

ever wearying,

fading as the sun sets;

cheeks wilting,

skin sagging

overcast irises not quite

knowing how

they will face another day.

You can go deep with me,

show me what you hide so carefully

the fucking frustration of it all,

the murderer,

the heartless

senseless

beast

who prowls unrelentingly

gnawing at the root of your soul.

Come, 

and go deep with me, and 

I will show you

that beneath the horror

of your hall of mirrors

lies a child

in a basement

quivering

lonely

touch starved

lovely

innocent

ever patient

awestruck,

as she looks out

into blazing brightness

dancing on a thousand stars,

fingers brushing the moon.

Tell me your secrets

and I promise you

that you will not be left

comfortless.

To thine own self...

I penned this a couple of weeks ago. It's far from perfect but I want to publish it anyway.

On more than one occasion, I have danced the night away on December 31st at a venue called Conway Hall in London. The hall is a wonderful space, and the atmopshere electric as hundreds of people in recovery move, groove and shake their thang to pumping beats and lyrical melodies. Above the stage, a Shakesperian quote reminded me of a truth that eluded me for so many years of my youth:

"To thine own self be true".

What a lesson, and how often I have deviated from this path!

Life is, as far as I can tell, teaching me this lesson once again at the moment. After months of wearing my 'business hat', I crashed and bottomed out a few weeks back, and emotional car crash of a human being unable to get through a day without tears, waves of desperation and an almost uncontrollable urge to hurt myself.

I've made some changes. I had to make some changes. I don't think I could have carried on without reverting back to type, and that is a pretty frightening place to be.

I'm leaving my job; just one more week to go. 

I'm tuning in to Ell, slowly, moment by moment.

I'm frightened, I'm limiting myself, and I'm trying to allow myself to stretch, grow, expand, reach for the light as a flower leans towards the sun.

I'm inviting the real Elloa to emerge, to come forth, to dare to bare her dreams, her ambitions, her truest insights into the kind of life she's always wanted to live. 

Doing this is so scary for me. I've been down this road before, and have allowed myself to be swayed, carried down a path I had never envisioned, until six months later I wake up to find myself at a dead end - again. Two and a half years ago, when I quit my job at Waterstone's, I thought that that was the last time I'd have to draw that particular line in the sand. Somehow over the last half a year, I allowed myself to get involved in a situation that didn't feel right from day one, because it was a job (and I needed one), it was a funky company (and there are so few of those out there), I was given responsibility (and that made me 'someone' in the world), it was only three days a week (then four, then five). Only in retrospect have I allowed myself to take a step back from the situation and get some perspective on it. Why couldn't I have just done that at the time?, I wonder accusingly. I could have saved myself, and Nige, and my boss a lot of trouble. Why do I have to be so.... Elloa?! Typical bloody Elloa!

And still the birds sing. The sun continues to rise, and shine and set. Life goes on, despite my mistakes. Is the guilt helping? No. No, it certainly is not. 

Well then Ell, it's time to drop it. 

The unanimous feature of being a human being, no matter where you live or who you are is that you can't tell what's going to happen in the future. Being fully alive means being present to the ever-unfolding now and trusting in the safety of that. Dark, haunting shadows of a doomed future are but misguided creations of my overactive imagination, and yet they seem real enough to me to trust. I believe these thoughts! And they terrify me. This is the very problem; that I trust my thoughts, when experience shows me that they're the least reliable form of guidance I've got!


So, with a week to go until I'm unemployed, I have no idea what the future will bring. But the birds are singing, my bike is amazing, and last night, Nige and I welcomed a stranger into our home and found in him a new friend, an inspiration and someone we could offer a hot shower, a washing machine and a warm night's sleep to.


I wonder what will happen next?


Perhaps the better question is, I wonder what is happening now?

I keep remembering to say yes to the whispers, and the whispers are telling me that one chapter is ending, another is shortly to begin, and there are a great many bike rides ahead of me.

Take That

Ah, Take That. The boy band that is now a legitimate man band. I love them.

When I was 10 years old, in 1993, my family moved to a new house to accommodate the newest addition to the family, Daisy. My youngest sis is now a staggering 19 years old, working in a bar, going travelling soon and off to Oxford Uni in autumn! How flieth time...

Back to the story. We moved house, and my sister and I became friends with two sisters who lived on our new street, called Nicola and Emma. Emma was massively into Friends Forever, the cartoon teddybears, and she had all the merchandise - the bedspread, the border on the wall, toys, mugs, notebooks. You name it, she had it, probably hundreds of pounds worth of stuff. Her older sister Nicola, however, was into Take That, and it is to her that I owe a debt of gratitude! Initially, I think I started liking them because she did, and because I looked up to her (she was in the year above me at school, and that autumn, I would start at the same school as her, and she and a friend would be the first people ever to offer me a cigarette).

It was the summer of 1993 and "Pray" by Take That (or TT for short) was at number one for six weeks. I'm writing this all from memory, so if some facts are wrong, forgive me. There was, to me, something sublime about their voices, the way they harmonised. And then I saw the video: 5 young men, too old for me, but young enough to idolize, with shirts flapping in the tropical breeze, singing and posturing on a sandy beach about "hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday". (Embarrassingly, I thought that the lyric was "All I do is shine and pray", when in fact it is, "All I do each night is pray". Shine and pray?! Good God.) I think that I was hooked when I saw that video. I'd been going round to Nicola's house and had seen the dozens of posters on her walls and ceiling and wardrobe, and quite quickly began to emulate and imitate her fanaticism. Throughout the early years of my time as a TT fan, I looked up to Nicola a lot.

When she had concert tickets for the eighth row to see them at Earl's Court, I was so jealous - mum had managed to get me tickets but for Block DD (if only tickets corresponded to bra size! I'd have won either way: had they correlated to actual bra size, I would have been in the front row. Or, magically, if your ticket then correlated in some mysterious way to a flourishing bosom, I'd have ended up with huge ones! Sadly, this is just a whimsical fancy of mine and not connected to reality in any way. I'd like to point out that this is the first time I've ever actually had that thought before. I'm not that weird.)

Back to Nicola - she made a banner saying "I'm on sale Bargain Barlow" for Gary, who had said in an interview that he was always looking for a bargain. This was towards the end of TT Phase One, when Gary had gotten lean and toned, had a new haircut and was promptly replacing Mark as the favourite of the band among the screaming tribe of teenage girls. Robbie had left by this point, and this tour was the one which was so impacted by Robbie's swift departure that they didn't have the time or resources to remove the fifth walking travelator from the stage for "Never Forget", so at the most poignant part of the concert, his absence was made all the more tangible. Nicola came back from the concert and reported that Gary had seen her banner, had pointed at it and laughed with the lads. I wished it had been me he'd noticed. Oh, how I wished.

Anyway, back to 1993... Once I had made the decision that I too liked Take That, a double mission began to take hold. Firstly, I needed to acquire as much memorabilia and merchandise as possible. I bought every magazine that they featured in, including "100% Unofficial" magazines which dished out all the goss on the fab 5. I bought countless copies of Smash Hits magazine and spent fiver after fiver in Athena buying huge A1 sized posters of them. I covered my walls and ceiling from top to bottom in posters of them. I bought their two albums, "Take That & Party" and "Everything Changes", as well as the VHS videos accompanying the albums, with footage and music videos and interviews on them. I watched them obsessively, memorizing everything about them. I fantasized about meeting them.

One morning, on a Saturday I think, I went into my mum's bedroom to get some pocket money, and from her bed, eyes closed, she told me that she'd met Jason Orange the night before. I've never quite forgiven her for it. How dare she meet him when I was the one who loved them! Another part of me was relieved that it hadn't been Mark that she'd met, or Gary or Robbie. I'd DIE if she met any of them and didn't bring them home for me to meet.

The second part of my mission was keeping this intense obsession a secret from everyone at school. Take That were not a popular band at school, and to admit to liking them was equatable with throwing yourself to the lions (we've all heard the stories about the child in the zoo who gets eaten alive). So, for a time, nobody came round to my house, or if they did, absolutely did not set foot inside the door. Until one day. Stealing was becoming the next "in" thing to do, and I had been going through a horrible time at school, feeling excluded one minute, being used as a go-between the next. Suddenly, an opportunity arose for me to do something to make me popular, included, and liked. That it meant stealing things was scary, but an acceptable price to pay.

So off I went, with my luminous pink sports bag, stealing little trinkets and pens. A security guard in a popular high street store came up to me and asked to look in my bag. My heart pounded in my chest and my head felt like it was going to explode. I was guilty and had been caught! Fleeting images of prison, of a children's detention centre, of disapproval, flashed in my mind. He took a look in my bag, saw only the layer of clothes I'd put on top of the loot, and sent me on my way. Round the corner, I started crying, and the girl I was with, the bully/friend who I didn't know where I stood with from one day to the next, ordered me to stop, telling me that the security guard had followed us round the corner and was watching. I looked up, and there he was. We walked to the top of the high street, detouring and taking the long route back to my house. I begged my friend, who had a lot of power in my class, to take the things I'd stolen. I insisted that I didn't want them anymore. And she insisted on coming into my room. I was utterly powerless. I tried in vain to stop her from coming in, but I saw the look on her face when she entered and looked around, the silent glee that spread from ear to ear, lighting up her eyes in malice. She had a weapon now, and she knew it. The weapon was just as powerful as when I wet myself in the corridor and a girl in my class saw and used it as bait in games of Truth or Dare.

People, of course, did find out about my love for Take That. I felt utterly alone, but I never stopped liking them. Even Nicola, the girl from my street, stopped liking TT at one point and began liking East 17, writing on the wall of my house one day "Take That are rubbish. E17 4 ever!", or something along those lines. I chalked out her words, her horrible, blaspheming words. Nicola eventually left the dark side (because it was always one or the other, E17 or TT, never both) and became a TT fan again. She had to take two days off school when they broke up, she was that upset.

I myself was absolutely devastated when they split. Take That and their music held me through such a critical time in my life. My family had fallen apart. I'd made and subsequently lost friends. I'd changed schools, was going through puberty, and suffered a seemingly endless array of upsets and rejections. Their music was my retreat, my haven and my promise of sanctuary. Them ending was another shattering in my already fractured world. I felt like it was the end of any shred of happiness for me.

Fast forward a number of years, and I am spending a year living in Australia when I hear the news that Take That have reformed and are on tour. Gutted not to be there, not quite believing that this could be true, it surprised me but then receded to the back of my mind. My utter adoration of them I'd never be able to deny, but that was a long time ago.

I came back to England in October 2006, and the following year in December, I was at the O2 seeing them in concerts. Yes, I was stuck up in the heavens, miles away from the four men with microphones, and yes, I was with my sister, who appreciated the experience but certainly wasn't a fan, but boy oh boy, I wouldn't be anywhere else in the world. When they sang a lyric from their really old songs and asked the audience to sing the next line, I proudly wailed along, rather smug that I was one of the minority who seemed to know all the words. Their music had grown and matured, just as they had, just as I had. I began to listen to them again religiously. Their songs touched my heart, made it soar and sing, gave me hope. A year later, I went into work early with the sole purpose of getting tickets for their upcoming tour, "The Circus". I was absolutely ecstatic when I got through and bought two tickets for July 2009, a full seven months away, but who cared! I was going to see them in concert again! I can honestly say that that evening was one of the "Greatest Days" of my life.

Today, the strangest thing is happening. The love of my life, Nige, actually listens to and likes Take That's music! Not all of it, of course. But he is listening to it non stop in the car, singing it, and reaching out to me about it. Having a ticket on my vision board seems to have worked a certain kind of magic in my life, and it's beyond my wildest dreams for myself that my partner actually enjoys the music that has touched the most intimate part of my heart.

Take That phase one held me through a really delicate time in my life. Their split mirrored a huge amount of brokenness in my life at the time. Coincidentally, their reformation, and the accompanying growth in them as a band and their music, parallels my own growth into being authentically me, into living a creative, loving and mature life. After Take That split, I lost control, and I'm so grateful that today, with them reformed, I too am whole again, living an incredibly beautiful life. My decision to not be ashamed of liking them is symptomatic of how much more accepting of myself I am. I used to have to hide the fact I was a fan, because it left me open to ridicule and aged 11, I was incapable of saying, "so what? This is who I am, and it's none of my business what you think, and it's none of your business who I like. Accept me, or don't. Either way, I know I am okay". Today, I do not hide who I am. I am a lovely person. And yes, I like a band who many over the years have slated and mocked, who are, some say, very uncool. And I love them anyway, and I think they're great, and I know that I have nothing to hide anymore.

So, come on come on come on come on, Take That, and party!