Wow - I am a writer!

For when it is quite, quite nothing, then it is everything.

When I am trodden quite out, quite, quite out,

every vestige gone, then I am here

risen and setting my foot on another world

risen, accomplishing a resurrection

risen, not born again, but risen, body the same as before, 

new beyond knowledge of newness, alive beyond life,

proud beyond inkling or furthest conception of pride,

living where life was never yet dreamed of, not hinted at,

here, in the other world, still terrestrial

myself, the same as before, yet unaccountably new.

D.H. Lawrence

Recently, I have gone through a crisis; I have been trodden quite out, quite, quite out. I am just emerging from it, still feeling delicate.

And somehow, Spirit knew that it would be healing for me to write about it, and an angel in the form of Hattie B invited me to guest post over at People Like Us - published today.

Today, I have also been published over at SABBSLondon.com.

Oh, and I edit and put together and write for The Ripple every quarter. I love this magazine!

Other writing-y things are happening without me even trying to 'make' them happen - proofreading and copy editing not one but perhaps two books, and a possible job in a bookshop even! I have plans to interview local actors for the Theatre Company I'm part of, and somewhere in the depths of my being (dare I say this?) I think (whispering) that there might be a book in me. Yes! A whole book!

So, six months after leaving a full-time job and setting an intention to get paid to write... things are happening. For a while, it looked pretty bleak and I became almost paralysed with fear. Keep stepping forward, one step at a time, I heard again and again in myriad forms. Today, just for this one beautiful day, it's as if my life is knocking on my forehead and saying to me, "Wake up Ell - you already are a writer. See! I'll show you!"

My new playbook. Mmmmm!
Also notice the gorgeous scarf in the background
- a gift from two beautiful friends who stayed last week.

I am so immensely grateful.

What is it that you dream of being? 

Where are you already living that in your life? 

How can you bring just ten minutes of that dream life to life today?

Birth

This week I was with my beautiful friend as she entered the final stage of her pregnancy, and the first stage of her baby's life on earth - her labour process.

It started on Sunday at midnight (2.00pm for her, when her waters broke), and she eventually welcomed her babe into the world on Tuesday at 11.00pm.

We walked, rocked, moved, breathed, danced, connected, listened, spoke, shared, hoped, waited, worried. It wasn't straightforward. It was utterly beautiful. It was one of the biggest honours I have ever had to be with her.

I am now a Godmother.

And a precious, perfect, innocent new life is with us. Welcome, beautiful babe! Welcome to the world. I promise to always remember the Truth about who you are, and to be here to support you and love you and be the angel who stands over you and whispers, "grow, grow."

This life is so precious, isn't it friends?

Grateful

It's been a really up and down day. All the more reason to practice gratitude.

I am grateful for...

1. My willingness to get out of bed this morning despite having a terrible night's sleep.
2. Twenty minutes' quiet time at the start of the day.
3. Honesty in my relationship with Nige.
4. Mike, my Chiropractor. His clinic is amazing - the service there is exceptional. It was really uncomfortable being 'adjusted' today, but i know it is good for me. Oh, and that massage chair is wonderful.
5. Nige being such a brilliant personal trainer. The session at the gym today was tough, and I felt really vulnerable, and just so thankful for Nige's way with people - I felt supported and cheered on.
6. Thank you Nige for paying for me to get a bar and a coffee afterwards.
7. Watching Williams vs. Date-Krumm. I love watching the tennis when Wimbledon is on. And Date-Krumm is one seriously inspirational lady (even though she didn't win) - she is 40 and hasn't played tennis for years, so I heard today. Wow! Next thing you know, she's playing in the finals!
8. Gorgeous food today. Rice, fish, vegetables - twice. (Pretty much like most other days, then!)
9. Nige receiving two Batman films when he was expecting just one! Watching 'Batman Begins' with him this evening was great - it's a seriously cool film.
10. Finding out that I've won a free coaching session with Alia! Wowowowoweeeee!! Alia, I can't wait!
11. Logging on here to see incredible comments from my friends.
12. Nige holding the space for me beautifully while I had a mini meltdown and was horrible to him and to myself. Nige... thank you.

On a day when massive stuff got triggered for me, when the tears flowed thick and fast, when I sank into believing that 'I am a burden', 'I have nothing to give', and 'I am not safe. My life is falling apart', it is truly incredible that I can reflect on gratitude for just a few minutes and be restored to a state of mind that is peaceful and sane.

Thank you xx

Soul Project and Gratitude

I'm so excited!

Surrounding myself with amazing people who are saying Yes to their lives and hearts, saying thank you to - well, pretty much everything, teaching other women how to be frugal fashionistas, saying YES to my offer of being their birth partner next week (oh ****, I am scared! I'm going to be welcoming a precious babe into the world. Wow!) ... all of these things and more have my heart a flutter today. You who are around me are supporting me in ways that I can barely articulate, and things are happening behind the scenes that I can't speak of - yet.

Except to say this: I am embarking on a new chapter of my life. In fact, I've already lost sight of the shore and although I'm not using a map, I've got a compass which tells me whether I'm heading in the right direction. I am.

The phrase that has been coming up for me repeatedly is "Soul Projects", and thanks to my coaching session today, I am now beginning to put massive action into getting my first (two!) soul projects going. Waaaaaaa!

Funnily enough, the day the term Soul Projects came to mind was the day that "Soul Talks" was launched - a beautiful podcast which is set to become a smash hit series of real, honest, heartfelt, rock-your-world conversations. Jump on over here or here to have a listen, if you haven't already.

The phrase "The Soul craves release" has been with me for weeks, since Brooke (aka the goosebump inducer - her writing is truly wow, and I know that isn't even a grammatically correct sentence) wrote it to me. Well today, my soul wants to release a whole bunch of "thank you"s out into the world.

Today's gratitudes...

1. Wonderful people who I think are just great are saying yes to coming to my birthday tea party!
2. The beautiful West Sussex countryside, and especially Spithandle Lane. I love you!
3. Wiston Tea Rooms, with its wonderful array of ducks, demented roosters, trickling stream, fruit cake with cherries, raisins and almonds, and filter coffee with cream. A little piece of heaven, right here on a Tuesday afternoon.
4. Two adorable little boys - brothers - feeding the ducks at Wiston Tea Rooms. The ducks came so close, quack quack quacking. Pure delight.
5. A moment of hope and friendliness in the garden this afternoon with the neighbours.
6. Little R, peering surreptitiously through the window. I waved 'hello!', and she darted back, but curiosity got the better of her and within seconds, there she was again. I waved hello again, delighted to see her.
7. My beautiful, stylish, oh-so-comfortable Dawes Super Galaxy bicycle. *makes a strange sound: too much happiness*
8. The Brooks cherry red leather saddle on the bike. It is so comfortable. I am so grateful.
9. After a week of hiding - sunshine!
10. Qi Gong and learning how to meditate standing up.
11. The part of my mind that stuck with it this morning despite the almost uncontrollable urge to quit, get the hell out of there, move!
12. Possibility.
13. Saying 'yes' to riding my bike.
14. Mark, my careers coach, and the coaching session I had with him this morning.
15. My mighty companion... ever grateful for Nige.
16. Oh, and posh beans on toast for lunch. Mmmmm.

Beans. Spring Onion. Feta. Tamari. Yum.

What are you thankful for today?

My Mission Statement

So much is happening right now that the only way I can comprehend it all is just to keep slowing down, being in the flow, bringing myself back to the moment. It's as if every day, I am being showered - actually, drenched - with positivity, support, encouragement, heart connection, and an unmistakable sense of guidance, pointing me firmly and resolutely in the direction of my dreams.

Thank you to all who have given me such wonderful feedback and input on my last post.

I wrote recently that I was in the middle of a sacred process, which on the surface appears to be centering on my career and which choice I will make next, which 'career path' I will follow. In reality, this process and this chapter in my life is about so, so much more.

It's about...

- my purpose - the deepest calling, the biggest yearnings, the secret dreams and forgotten passions
* saying YES (ever inspired by Julia and Alia) to my life, my heart, and the tiny whispers, the intuitive inklings, the seemingly insignificant nudges that are turning out to be strong roots connecting me to the earth, to being fully alive, to life!
- my spiritual practice and connection with Spirit, self and world
* the beautiful, creative little Elloa who dwells inside me
- community: this ever-expanding, inclusive, supportive community online; those I've known for years and haven't spoken to, suddenly rekindling fledgling connections; the community local to where I live; the community I'm part of in Clearmind
* play, and what that means and how that looks in my life
- all my relationships, present, past and future

My fire - my chi - is burning in my belly, blazing away the illusory ties that have bound me for so many years. I will not settle for mediocre anymore! No more excuses. More people became millionaires in the 30s' Great Depression in America than at any other time in the country's history. It's not the circumstances, but how you play within them, that makes all the difference. These new perspectives, beliefs and attitudes are taking root inside of me and I can feel my arms reaching for the sun, the stars, brushing the moon.

I am coming to this place: a place of living my life for me, knowing in every cell of my being that living in integrity is the biggest service I could offer to my dad, my mum, society, world. I am learning that it is possible for my work to be more like play, and that this in fact is a revolution that in five, ten, twenty years' time will have changed the world of work as we know it. Yes, it's risky. Yes, it's different. Yes, it's unconventional. I am thankful that it is so - I have had enough of playing it safe.

I want to shout from the rooftops, "I am free!" I need to live this journey more, so much more, infinitely more than I need another 'good' job with a steady income, security and predictability. As beautiful Brooke kept saying to me recently, the soul craves release. The release it has craved is coming in wave after wave at the moment - whilst running, whilst making love, whilst planting and weeding and pruning, whilst reading and reflecting, meditating and working out. Even while I fret and worry about money, security, how I'll pay the rent in August, my soul dances, delighted that I am here in this moment, right now.

Here, for you, for me, is my mission statement. It sums up the content of my purpose, but not the form. It reminds me every day that this one precious life is sacred, that it is here and now and that despite all the fear I might encounter within and without, that I really and truly do have a choice about how I live each day.

Love,
Elloa xx

From empty to full

Sometimes I get confused in my being. I think that what I need to fill the emptiness I feel deep within the core of my being - conveniently located very near my stomach! - is a big, big piece of chocolate cake.

Having just eaten a big, big piece of chocolate cake (!!), I wrote an email to my beautiful friend, way over in the US, and suddenly, in a split second, realised or remembered that this nagging sense of 'not quite good enough' that has been plaguing me very quietly since I left my job three weeks ago is, in fact, a pile of what the Amercians would call "baloney". The English would say it's "codswallop" or "rubbish". In plain language, it is bullshit.

The reason I've been choosing to focus on gratitude on and off recently is because of this looming sense of lack that has been hanging around me, worming its way into my thoughts and trying to weave itself into my day. When I focus on gratitude, an expansive, incredible sense of abundance springs up within me in a matter of seconds. It is, I think, what A Course In Miracles calls a holy instant. It is a change of mind about myself, about others, about the truth of life on this planet spinning in space, as Nige called it recently.

Here are just some of the incredible things that have been happening in my life recently... I am listening closely, just to make sure that I remember how wonderful this life is!

- I performed as Lily St Regis opposite Nige, who played Rooster Hannigan, in Annie! just a couple of weeks ago. Three years ago, it was a mere pipe dream to perform in a musical, and suddenly, bang! It's happened!
- Next Friday I am singing in a fundraising concert which forms part of the local 'Gardens & Arts Weekend'. Amongst other songs - including 'Tell Me On A Sunday', my solo - I am so lucky to be singing 'Cell Block Tango' from Chicago with a fiery, fabulous group of female foxettes. I love this song! I get to say the infamous line, "He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times."
- I am receiving completely bespoke, *free* personal training from Nige, who is soon to be taking his Level 3 Personal Trainer fitness exam (and who, I have a strong hunch, is going to pass with flying colours).
- I am in the process of having careers coaching with an amazing guy who has already really helped me, and I've not even had my first official session yet! I've learned that I am a Scanner, which has been a massive relief and has given me a taster of the kind of life I could be living.
- I spent yesterday afternoon modelling for my friend (see my 'everything I've ever wanted to do' page!), and lying on the beach listening to the soothing tide kiss the shore. I paddled in the sea and practised my song for next week's concert. 
- I am in a beautiful, ever evolving relationship. I am not expected to be perfect in it. I am treated with kindness, respect, gentleness, understanding, humour. I'm held, caressed, affirmed, and loved on a daily basis. This is like nothing I've ever known, and there are so many more adventures for us to have.
- I am slowly but steadily increasing the number of miles I ride on my bike, and I'm riding regularly, and always in the most beautiful surroundings. I rode 28 miles yesterday, 35 a few days before that, 31 a few days later, 16 in between, 10 one evening after Nige arrived home from work... The dream of touring this country on two wheels is becoming more and more real.
- I've been trusted with the job of editing the Ripple newsletter, which is a huge privilege to me. Clearmind is one of my soul havens, a place where I adore giving back, a place where I've received so much. I'm on the team, and I have somewhere to channel all of my ideas into.
- My 'Reflections' were published in our local theatre company's newsletter this week. What's more, it was so easy for me to write the piece, encouraging our members to respect and support one another, hopefully inspiring those who read it to reflect on their own purpose within the theatre company.
- I'm reading 'Screw Work Let's Play' by John Williams and am getting so much value out of it.
- I start my gardening round this week! New adventures await.
- I've been invited to attend the 'Cowboy Cabaret' that a friend and his wife are hosting. An evening of barn dancing, songs and a lot of Yee-Ha-ing awaits.


Is it true that my life is empty? Of course not! It's bollocks (excuse the bad language, but sometimes it is really, really necessary. One of those times is now). I have so much to be grateful for, and simply naming some of the stuff out loud immediately puts me in a place of celebrating. I'm in abundance rather than lack and comparison, and the world is a friendly place once again. I'm enough, once again (I never stopped being enough, I just thought I did).

My life is beautiful. It's full of surprises, full of opportunities to connect, full of full-bodied, toe-tapping, inspiring, breathtakingly beautiful... living!

Right, I've got to go... rehearsal starts in 40 minutes :)

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to connect here. xx

Gratitudes

So often, I start things and don't see them through to completion. I become so enthused, motivated and inspired; inevitably, that enthusiasm dwindles and wanes like the moon after it's glowed full and bright in the night sky.

Well today, I am refusing to accept that I am just a flake. I am practising gratitude in my life, and my commitment to that is reflected in me showing up here to share my gratitude with you, dear reader.

Today, I am grateful for/that:
1. My beautiful flat which I share with Nige. It's so quiet, and spacious, and I can truly rest and revive here.
2. The stunning lilies, tiger lilies and other flowers that I was given by my father, my friend and an acting companion after performing in 'Annie' last week.
3. A fridge full of lusciously healthy food. (I had a great picture but the server has 'rejected' it multiple times! So sorry, no photos today).
4. Delicious breakfast with Nige - oat groats, goat's milk, apricots, berries, pumpkin seeds, honey, raisins. So delicious and nourishing.
5. The 'Home Fix' guy who came round today to fix our leaking water tank. Hooray!
6. Helping Nige get clear on what he needs to do in order to prepare for his Level 2 Exam to become an accredited Personal Trainer.
7. The unexpected piece of work (and money!) that came simply from helping a lady in the theatre company with navigating her iPad.
8. The women in my life: Julia, Brooke, Holly, Laura, my sisters, Claire B., Claire M., Liz - you all teach me magnificent lessons about womanhood and femininity.
9. "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. This book is deep and challenging and I'm diving into it with discomfort, gratitude and a huge sigh of relief.
10. The wonderful 27 mile bike ride yesterday with Nige - (my) grumpiness and all.
11. The wonderful church at Warminghurst that is no longer used for worship but that is visited by people from near and far and which stands quietly on the top of a hill overlooking West Sussex.
12. Our oh-so-comfortable bed and the first good night's sleep in ages, which I had last night.
13. The Groupon deal - £34 for four chiropractic sessions. Oh boy, how I need this right now.
14. The Quiet Voice in meditation this morning guiding me to simply write this list, focus on gratitude and trust It. I'm listening...
15. Twenty minutes meditation in the morning and the mighty companion I have in Nige, gently yet firmly reminding me to take time each day to be with God.
16. Marianne Williamson's book "Everyday Grace".
17. Our lovely neighbours! I actually know the people I live in close proximity to, and each of them is a marvellous human being in their own right.
18. Words - phalanges, metatarsals, donkey, supercilious... I love words.
19. The irrepressible birdsong that continues all day, every day, come wind, rain or shine. Being able to look at the birds in the trees, on the ground and flying through the air is such a heart-softening gift.
20. My breath. I can breathe in, and out. I can choose to pause and breathe deeply, and remember each time that I do this that I am safe in this moment, that I am held and present and enough.
21. My already too wonderful for words Career Coach, Mark. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon his website and to have been met already with insight, respect and wisdom. Our first session together is tomorrow. I will meditate before, pray during and after, and breathe deeply. I trust that this process is indeed sacred and I have been guided to work with just the right person for me.

Amen! x