Wow - I am a writer!

For when it is quite, quite nothing, then it is everything.

When I am trodden quite out, quite, quite out,

every vestige gone, then I am here

risen and setting my foot on another world

risen, accomplishing a resurrection

risen, not born again, but risen, body the same as before, 

new beyond knowledge of newness, alive beyond life,

proud beyond inkling or furthest conception of pride,

living where life was never yet dreamed of, not hinted at,

here, in the other world, still terrestrial

myself, the same as before, yet unaccountably new.

D.H. Lawrence

Recently, I have gone through a crisis; I have been trodden quite out, quite, quite out. I am just emerging from it, still feeling delicate.

And somehow, Spirit knew that it would be healing for me to write about it, and an angel in the form of Hattie B invited me to guest post over at People Like Us - published today.

Today, I have also been published over at SABBSLondon.com.

Oh, and I edit and put together and write for The Ripple every quarter. I love this magazine!

Other writing-y things are happening without me even trying to 'make' them happen - proofreading and copy editing not one but perhaps two books, and a possible job in a bookshop even! I have plans to interview local actors for the Theatre Company I'm part of, and somewhere in the depths of my being (dare I say this?) I think (whispering) that there might be a book in me. Yes! A whole book!

So, six months after leaving a full-time job and setting an intention to get paid to write... things are happening. For a while, it looked pretty bleak and I became almost paralysed with fear. Keep stepping forward, one step at a time, I heard again and again in myriad forms. Today, just for this one beautiful day, it's as if my life is knocking on my forehead and saying to me, "Wake up Ell - you already are a writer. See! I'll show you!"

My new playbook. Mmmmm!
Also notice the gorgeous scarf in the background
- a gift from two beautiful friends who stayed last week.

I am so immensely grateful.

What is it that you dream of being? 

Where are you already living that in your life? 

How can you bring just ten minutes of that dream life to life today?

Just enough light to take the next step

I am struck by how there is always just enough light to take the next step, and by how I cannot possibly know what the next step is until I take the one that is right in front of me.

Today I went to Shoreham by Sea, a lovely town a few miles away that I used to live in before Nige and I moved in together. There's a couple of health food shops in the town, with completely different vibes. One is very 'yummy mummy', and the other is all eco and painted signs, with art on the walls. I like both, but they are very different. I usually shop at the second one.

I am acquaintances with the girl who runs the second shop. Her name is Joanna and she has long bleached blonde dreadlocks and awesome eye make up. I showed her the flyer, she was all guns blazing, "Wow! This is awesome. If it was in Shoreham, I'd definitely come" (she has no car to get to Steyning and yes, sadly, to get to my village there is only one bus an hour. And yes, her words were red and purple and green and orange and pink and blue. They definitely were.)

She loved my flyer :)

Another lady called Mary, who does Reiki healings and tarot readings on people then came into the shop, and instantly gave the same response. "Wow, amazing, when are you starting, if you do it in Shoreham I'll be there. I can think of 5 people immediately who'd come along. This is so needed."

Then Joanna suggested a space that's currently being renovated that I might like to take a look at, if I was considering running a second women's circle, in Shoreham. 

Going with the flow, I went off to see it. 

It was an awesome space: a big airy room called The Loft with wooden floors and lots of light. Very similar in fact to the space I envisioned in a session with the amazing Alia a few months ago. BUT the guy wants 50% of my takings in the long run (although he'll give me 6 months or so to get the group up to a decent size without charging any rent, and said he'll do some advertising for it, too).

He has bought the place and wants to do what he called a 'partnership' with people like me who want to run groups or classes, instead of hiring the room out on an hourly basis. I think he's a shrewd businessman. I'm not convinced it's entirely fair on me in the long run.

Still, I liked the space and I'm going to have a play with the numbers to see how it all pans out.

I arrived home to find some amazing feedback from Marianne Cantwell about my blog. She loves the content but loathes the design. Update: She doesn't love the design because she doesn't think it reflects my magnificence. It was great to hear! So I plan to work on that (and have changed it in the short term, to mix things up a bit. What do you think?? Please leave a comment!)

So I'm here on day 6 of the awesome 30 day challenge, wondering...

• Is Steyning the right place for the circle (at least, is it right right now)?
• Is Shoreham the right place for the circle (right now)?
• Can I get the word out in Steyning without paying to be in the local magazine when I don't really know anyone here?

I wonder where this is all going.... it's pretty scary, and pretty exciting too! I never would have known that I'd be here if I hadn't taken the leap to get some momentum going on the project.

So... what is YOUR next step? It could be tiny... a five minute burst of activity, a putting of pen to paper, a conversation, a vision board session? 

I'd love to hear... it only takes a minute girl (or boy), to leave a comment, to leave a comment (Take That fans will get the reference)

Love,

Elloa xx

Screw Work, Let's Play

October is a big month for me. I am doing the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge (hopefully continuing to forgive along the way!).

I will be uploading my progress from the challenge to this space, because I love this space, and because I know that my commitment is really going to be elsewhere.

All I can say, one day in, is that this challenge is frikkin' powerful. Deeply, deeply powerful.

May the miracles unfold...

My project is:

Starting a fortnightly women's circle in Steyning, West Sussex. The circle will be a place for women to come and share stories, express themselves in a brilliant variety of ways, sing, drum, play, dance, laugh, cry, weave dreams, and step into their magnificence.

On the 30 October at 5pm I will be sharing the following with the community as the output of my project:

I will have run my first women's circle (on October 18th - the room is booked!) and will be preparing for the second circle on November 1st. I'll write about the evening, including photos where appropriate, and will publish this on my blog and on this site. If the circle has covered my costs and generated my first playcheque, I will joyfully photograph it for you!

What excites me the most about this project is...

Stepping into my magnificence as I create a space for women to step into theirs. When women gather together, miracles happen. That I could be the conduit of that process is so, so exciting for me.

I am also excited at the picture I have in my mind of the kind of space the circle will be and of the atmosphere I envision for it. I intend to hold an amazing space for these everyday Goddesses.

What scares me the most about this project is...

Stepping into my magnificence. Excitement and fear are so closely intertwined for me. Specifically, inviting people to come along to the circle (inviting, not selling!) and the projected image in my mind of whether I'll be 'up to the job' of holding the space on the night and whether I'll 'perform' and 'be good enough' (thank you, Top Dog. Now get lost!)

I hereby commit to the 30 Day Challenge pledge because... 

I am ready to answer the call in my heart to step into leadership and take the action necessary to bring my dreams to life. It is time to shine!

Love,

Elloa xx

Messy Creative desk

Me, very excited, with almost finished flyers

Homemade flyers

When I take a risk

When I take a risk...
Amazing things seem to happen:
Doing one thing every day that scares me
Is yielding incredible results.
I am braver; I made it down the hill.
And
I asked if anyone wants to be my first
coaching client and
immediately, someone wonderful said yes!
I knew it was time to shine
again
and I got a teaching job
just like that
 - no long application needed, no interview.
Just, welcome,
and,
Teach.

What else?

I've opened myself to him,
and every cell in my body
seems to pop, crackle and fizz.
Also, it is time to open my arms
to the flow of abundance
that is just waiting to rush through my life
welcoming the river,
allowing it to flow.
And the most wonderful people
keep coming my way,
like they can't help themselves
but want to hang out in my orbit.

I am so grateful.

The risks are scary
but!
taking them -
just
day by day -
is totally transforming my
precious,
tender,
once-in-a-lifetime
life.

To thine own self...

I penned this a couple of weeks ago. It's far from perfect but I want to publish it anyway.

On more than one occasion, I have danced the night away on December 31st at a venue called Conway Hall in London. The hall is a wonderful space, and the atmopshere electric as hundreds of people in recovery move, groove and shake their thang to pumping beats and lyrical melodies. Above the stage, a Shakesperian quote reminded me of a truth that eluded me for so many years of my youth:

"To thine own self be true".

What a lesson, and how often I have deviated from this path!

Life is, as far as I can tell, teaching me this lesson once again at the moment. After months of wearing my 'business hat', I crashed and bottomed out a few weeks back, and emotional car crash of a human being unable to get through a day without tears, waves of desperation and an almost uncontrollable urge to hurt myself.

I've made some changes. I had to make some changes. I don't think I could have carried on without reverting back to type, and that is a pretty frightening place to be.

I'm leaving my job; just one more week to go. 

I'm tuning in to Ell, slowly, moment by moment.

I'm frightened, I'm limiting myself, and I'm trying to allow myself to stretch, grow, expand, reach for the light as a flower leans towards the sun.

I'm inviting the real Elloa to emerge, to come forth, to dare to bare her dreams, her ambitions, her truest insights into the kind of life she's always wanted to live. 

Doing this is so scary for me. I've been down this road before, and have allowed myself to be swayed, carried down a path I had never envisioned, until six months later I wake up to find myself at a dead end - again. Two and a half years ago, when I quit my job at Waterstone's, I thought that that was the last time I'd have to draw that particular line in the sand. Somehow over the last half a year, I allowed myself to get involved in a situation that didn't feel right from day one, because it was a job (and I needed one), it was a funky company (and there are so few of those out there), I was given responsibility (and that made me 'someone' in the world), it was only three days a week (then four, then five). Only in retrospect have I allowed myself to take a step back from the situation and get some perspective on it. Why couldn't I have just done that at the time?, I wonder accusingly. I could have saved myself, and Nige, and my boss a lot of trouble. Why do I have to be so.... Elloa?! Typical bloody Elloa!

And still the birds sing. The sun continues to rise, and shine and set. Life goes on, despite my mistakes. Is the guilt helping? No. No, it certainly is not. 

Well then Ell, it's time to drop it. 

The unanimous feature of being a human being, no matter where you live or who you are is that you can't tell what's going to happen in the future. Being fully alive means being present to the ever-unfolding now and trusting in the safety of that. Dark, haunting shadows of a doomed future are but misguided creations of my overactive imagination, and yet they seem real enough to me to trust. I believe these thoughts! And they terrify me. This is the very problem; that I trust my thoughts, when experience shows me that they're the least reliable form of guidance I've got!


So, with a week to go until I'm unemployed, I have no idea what the future will bring. But the birds are singing, my bike is amazing, and last night, Nige and I welcomed a stranger into our home and found in him a new friend, an inspiration and someone we could offer a hot shower, a washing machine and a warm night's sleep to.


I wonder what will happen next?


Perhaps the better question is, I wonder what is happening now?

I keep remembering to say yes to the whispers, and the whispers are telling me that one chapter is ending, another is shortly to begin, and there are a great many bike rides ahead of me.