What Matters Now

1. What Matters Now (Inspired by Seth Godin): Think about the here and now. What matters most to you right now? How are you going to nurture what matters in during 2012?

What matters to me right now.

What matters to me right now?

What matters to me is this:

- Nige and my relationship with him. Mighty companions, soft place to land. 

- My work as a teacher. I am finding that the more I teach, the more I realise that living my 'purpose' in this life isn't about reaching or preaching to thousands of people, as my ego would like it to be. It's about the daily connections. It's about me remembering that, as the Buddhists teach, this one in front of me, this one, is brother, sister, mother, father and child to me. We are all connected. The people I am meant to reach, I will meet. I don't need to scramble around anymore, looking for some elusive life purpose when right here, right now, there are so many people who need help remembering the truth about themselves, just like me.

- My friendships. What I don't want you to know is that I feel ashamed of the ways I have behaved at different times this year. What I don't want you to know is that I believe I am a failure at friendships. What I don't want you to know is that sometimes I feel awkward and don't know how to connect, especially with women. What I don't want you to know is that I believe that I am disposable, that people don't really need me to be their friend because there will be someone better out there for them. And yet... and yet you matter to me. And despite the snide whispered evaluation of my worth inside my mind, I have an inkling that deep down, I matter to you too.

- The Clearmind community that I am a part of and the work that we do in that community to remember the truth about ourselves and each other, ACIM style. I am starting to work on the winter issue of The Ripple magazine, and I acknowledge the deep desire that is swelling up from within to create something that will have a deep and powerful ripple effect.

- Choosing to mind the gap. Compulsive eating has reared its head in my life again recently, and what matters to me right now is choosing to walk a path of freedom away from a personal hell. One step at a time.

- My sisters. Rosie, Daisy and Edie, you are so important to me.

- My mum, my dad(s), my grandparents. I intend to stay in touch more in 2012. Starting now.

- Love, love, love.

- GIVING MYSELF AN F-ING BREAK.

- Slowing way down; being here now.

1. Reframing (Inspired by Patrick Rhone): How are you framing yourself and your life? Could you reframe things going into 2012?

I don't know if you've noticed two thought systems running inside your mind. I have. They are both available to me in every moment. One runs on fear, toxicity and shame. The other, love. On any given day, I frame my life according to one of these two mindsets. The way I am currently framing my life looks something like this...

I am heading for financial ruin. (Everything will be just fine.)

I need to find a 'proper' job, otherwise I'm going to end up thousands of pounds in debt. (I'm exactly where you're meant to be. I'm being taken care of - who knows what exciting things are just around the corner!)

I am a bad friend. I don't keep in touch with my friends enough and I don't make an effort to go and see them enough. I am too scared to even pick up the phone and just say hi. (I am kind, loving and loyal. I love my friends. I want to know about their lives. I do the best I can to stay in touch. I recognize that I am afraid to reach out some days, and that is okay. Every moment is a chance to start again.)

My relationship is falling apart. (Only the love is real between us. I can choose again... and again... and again. I am kind, caring and really, really doing the best I can. Relationships aren't easy! So gentleness and a willingness to take a risk to be intimate are vital. Especially gentleness. Being cruel to myself won't help me to be present in my relationship with Nige. Gently does it Ell... you have come from a pretty dysfunctional family, and perhaps this is a time of growing pains. Just keep coming back to love. One step at a time.)

The women's circle I started is not growing because I haven't even bothered to invite anyone else. (You do go on, don't you? Won't you ever give the poor girl a break? No wonder she's not sleeping at night! For your information, the women's circle is going just fine. I am learning with each one, and have learned some pretty big lessons very early on. For this I am grateful.)

I am a total bitch. Look how I treated Nige in the gym the other day. I can't even control my moods. I am worse than a teenager and a toddler. I should know better. (I am innocent. In those moments when I act out, I am simply afraid. I can choose to do it differently. Besides, not every workout has been like that. There is something here for me to see and learn. I am doing the best I can.)

This is how I'm framing my life. This morning I have chosen to give a lot more space, time and thought to the second thought system. Sometimes I feel like the only one that exists is the first one - the one that batters me, tosses me about, hurls me against the same brick wall again and again, slamming my face against concrete and leaving me feeling utterly desperate. But then... then... then I find just one moment of freedom: I glance at the sky, or out to sea. I take a long, deep, conscious breath. I stop and reassure myself. And even if it doesn't sink in, I know this - that somewhere, it does. That love is real, that the fear I feel is of my own making, that it's all make believe inside my head. It is not the outside situation that determines the meaning. It is me who gives meaning to everything that happens in my life. And I am committing to continuing to allow my life to mean one thing: that only the love is real in any situation. 

Only the love is real.

Enough already

I am enough.

I am enough.

i AM ENOUGH

. I AM ENOUGH.

I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH.

I ... am ... E-NOUGH

I

am 

enough.

I am enough.

I am enough!

I am enough

i am enough... enough enough enough

I am enough!

I am enough!!

I am enough!

i am enough, enough, enough.

Just the way I am.

And so are you.

Can you let that in today? Let it sink deeply in. Because it is true.

Pretty ugly

Some days, I feel so ugly.

I know, I know; 'ugly isn't a feeling'.

But let me tell you - it is.

This is how ugly feels.

Ugly feels unloveable. Ugly feels alone. Ugly is rejected, less than, not worthy, not enough, weird, an outcast, beneath others, unsuccessful, unwanted, a rotting apple in the reduced section of a supermarket, shunned and shamed into a dark corner, handled and inspected, glanced at and then seen through, an object unworthy of attention, unworthy of being seen, unworthy of touch, tenderness or - God forbid - adoration.

Ugly is frozenness whenever a camera is around.

Ugly is wanting to smile but not allowing it in case anyone notices - and is repulsed by - the crookedness of your teeth.

See how this word, 'ugly', has wormed its way into my consciousness.

All I want is to feel pretty.

And then there is 'FAT'.

On a day when I 'feel' fat, I feel repulsive, disgusting, a freak, undisciplined, unloveable, a heifer, an object of ridicule, shame-ridden, guilt-ridden, gluttonous, less than human, deserving of judgement.

Being fat (even if it is only through my eyes and no one else's) means I have sacrificed the right to dignity, to pride, to loving myself or not being subjected to other people's opinions of Who I Am. Because I have let myself become Fat, and in so doing have given strangers permission to harass, ridicule and mock me, to make of me a freak show, a scapegoat, putty to be molded into any shape and size they want so long as they do not humanize me.

I have done all of these things to myself.

Because I believe I'm fat, I am a pig.

Because I believe I'm fat I don't have feelings.

Because I believe I'm fat I don't matter.

Because I believe I am fat, I live in hell.

See how this word, 'fat', has wormed its way into my consciousness.

All I want is to feel pretty.

Moreover, I am driven to be pretty, to make myself pretty; to shoehorn myself into 'slim', 'attractive', 'stylish', 'smooth', 'plucked', 'trim' and 'toned'. Not because I want to be an athlete, strong and feminine, awake to the power of my physicality. Not because I have authentically chosen this for myself.

No. Just because I believe that I need to be slim and pretty in order to think that I am allowed to feel  good about myself.

I have chosen this, for many, many years.

I have let my mind run riot.

And now I am asking the question: SAYS WHO?

-------

What if, by gathering with other women, we could change things?

What if we could change how we feel about ourselves?

What if we could find freedom?

Acceptance?

Joy?

Transparency?

True beauty?

Love?

LOVE.

What if, by gathering with real women, by sharing the scars that run so deep beneath the surface that they seem to have gouged away part of our sense of wholeness, we could realize that in truth, nothing has been lost, merely covered over?

What if we could un-cover (rather than re-cover) the sacred feminine presence that dwells within us?

True, it dwells so deep, in the realm of the inner child.

But stop for a moment and really consider this: What If?

This, my friends, is the purpose of the space I hold.

This is the reason we gather. We share stories. We reflect. We get quiet, and we speak, letting our voices cut through the barrage of cultural messages until they resonate clear and strong, until we can hear ourselves truly thinking our own thoughts, declaring what is true in the absence of all fear, declaring what is true when there is only love.

We gather so that we have the strength not to succumb to the thoughts we automatically  think when we see the latest make-up campaign (I am ugly and therefore all of the above). We gather to touch our own sorrow, to stand in the centre of the fire, face ourselves and face what we do to ourselves and say, 'ENOUGH. No more. I will not crucify myself like this any more.'

And it is gentle, this process. It is just one step at a time.

There is no pressure.

There is nothing to prove here.

No demands are made upon you.

You just come, and be as you are, and allow yourself to breathe, and listen, and observe, and feel.

You share if you want to share.

You say "no thank you" if you want to remain quiet.

And slowly, slowly, you and I and all the women in the circle remember that we are incredible, beautiful beings who have been given perhaps a few decades to simply shine our light.

It is time to get real about how we think and speak and feel about our bodies.

It's is time to let go of 'pretty'.

Love,

Elloa xx

P.S. I am starting a mailing list. To be on it, please send me an email to elloabarbour@gmail.com and I will add you to it. 

The First Women's Circle... and my message for you today

Tuesday evening was a milestone in my life: my first Women's Circle. I say 'my circle' because it's important for me to have a sense of ownership of the circle and of the fact that I created it.


Creating - being creative, being a creator - is something that has been in the shadows for me for a number of years. Julia Cameron talks a lot about shadow artists: blocked creatives who find themselves hanging around with a lot of artists, musicians, writers, sculptors, actors, and poets, living in quiet envy, supporting their creative spouse, friends, colleagues and children but somehow not managing to dive into their own creativity.

I have so known this space.

The act of creating something, whether that is a picture, poem or indeed a space, has felt frightening to me. What if what I create isn't understood or liked by people? What if I get rejected on some level? What if it's not noticed or recognized? What if what if what if.... This is the crazy what if train, a world in itself, a state of paralysis.

These fears - these little mind thoughts - have almost crippled me.

But they couldn't kill the desire to create. 

Yesterday's video was one tiny (bizarre!) outpouring of that. 'But the world doesn't need any more writers', my ego protests nastily. Maybe not. 'Everything that needs to be said is being said.' (Notice the horrible pooey colour that the ego writes in. Perhaps so, I respond. But I need to say these things. 


And besides... each of us is creating every single day - whether we admit it or not.


So on Tuesday, I created a sacred space, and two beautiful women came along. I read The Invitation to them, and invited them to ponder what is no longer serving them, what they want to let go of, and what they're ready to change. We shared. We gave feedback to each other. We drank herbal tea, and giggled, and wrote wish lists, and then gave each other delicious massages. I had a lovely time! And today I got the feedback that they did too.

Lovely homemade flyer

The support I have received from fellow challengers on the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge has been truly incredible, and I don't know that I would have had the courage to follow this acorn of an idea through to the manifestation of an actual circle had it not been for the daily support, encouragement and spurring on I've received from the space and community involved in the challenge.

So this is my message today - support one another.
Cheer your friends on, encourage them to take the next baby step, commit to doing a tiny but focussed amount on your project every day (20 minutes of distractionless time can work miracles) and get accountability buddies - people who love you enough to challenge you when you're not stepping fully into your magnificence, to be honest with you, to gently but firmly dare you to take the next step.

Because we've only got one life. One chance to live today. The sun has gone down here in England, and Thursday 20th October 2011 will never come around again.
Heck people - this moment is all that we have! (Thanks, Oprah, for the reminder).

So if you're putting off living your life until some undefined day in the future, making excuses to yourself that sound like this: 'when I've got more money/time/freedom / when I'm not so busy at work or stressed out / when I'm in a better space and feel more loving towards myself / etc etc, then I'll follow what's in my heart'... please, STOP!

Just go, right now, and do one tiny act of magnificence for yourself. Have some freakin' fun!
Dance round your kitchen.
Do a handstand.
Draw a dog.
Call a loved one.
Just do something, anything, to shift the energy and get yourself creating again.

Because the world needs your light, just like it needed my women's circle on Tuesday. Just like it needs this blog post. And just like it needs the little dance I'm about to do right now, straight after pressing 'Publish'.

Love you... let me know how it goes.
Elloa xx

It's the end of the world as we know it

September 30th 2011: Day 30 of The Forgiveness Project.

What an amazing month it has been. I know I haven't posted as much as I'd have liked to, but believe me, in the last couple of weeks there has been some hardcore healing going on! (Check out my makeover in the picture just below!)

First, there was the baby issue. I got broody, and it was a big deal to begin to discuss that issue with Nige, for lots of reasons, which I wrote about here.

Then there was the jealousy stuff, which arose more than once over the last couple of weeks, including today. When I get jealous, I truly believe that I am being left out, forgotten about, loved less than I was a moment before. It's as if love is a finite substance to be dished out in measured portions, and if I think or perceive that I'm getting any less in this moment than I like or want, out comes the second head, and within a split second I have an uncanny ability to remake myself in the image of Linda Blair in 'The Exorcist'. *shudders*

My new Facebook profile picture

I decided to forgive myself yesterday for not calling one of my elderly gardening clients for weeks on end, and I bit the bullet and called her. Apologising was hard; the guilt I was feeling rose briskly to the surface, glaring at me and telling me I ought to be ashamed of myself. I'd been avoiding that one moment of discomfort for ages, sitting instead with the ongoing sense of disquiet because I had let her down and really, had acted out of integrity. That just didn't sit comfortably with me. So I faced it, and called, and said my sorry, and it wasn't just waved away by her, which told me that perhaps I really had let her down. That was uncomfortable, too. But I am making my amends by taking her out in early November. And I can forgive myself for being imperfect.

What I keep discovering is this: through forgiveness, I have been given the ability to have the world as I know it end, and a new one begin, right in the moment of forgiving. This choice, which often is a shift so infinitesimal that it's barely noticeable, starts with simply being willing to see the situation that I am in differently. When I get stuck, that's all I need to ask myself: am I at least willing to see something different here? My answer is almost always "yes", which paves the way for a different, more empowering, freer and happier choice even before my ego has had a chance to object with "but...". When my answer isn't "yes, I'm willing to see this differently", I can clearly see that what I am saying is, "no, I don't want to see this differently. I am so convinced that I'm right, and I so want to be right that I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness just to prove a point". By which point I'm usually unable to uphold the insanity for a moment longer, and concede that yes, I am in fact willing to see this differently.

Then I remember that this is who I really am... xx

You see, the thing that I've re-learned this month is this: all power is of the mind. I can make or break my happiness with a thought. And it's all internal! There's nothing outside me that can make me truly happy if I am not willing to choose happiness for myself. Contrarily, nobody and nothing can make me unhappy if my heartfelt intention is to be at peace. Sooner or later, Love always wins. And that, in my life, is a fact.

As these 30 days draw to a close, I am about to embark on another 30 day adventure, this time of a very different kind. I'm doing the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge, in which 200 groovy people, myself included, are bringing an idea of theirs to life. Wow! More on this over the next 30 days, but suffice to say that this is a huge leap into my magnificence, the bringing to life of one of my dreams and a far out soul project all rolled into one. More very shortly on that.

But for now, how was September for you? What is the one main lesson you're taking from it? I'd love to hear.

Au revoir, September. You've been a corker.

Expectations, expectations

Expectations are weird, aren't they? I once asked a friend once about what she was expecting to happen around a particular event, and although I can't remember the circumstances, I distinctly recall her response. She said, "I try not to have expectations." Woah! My expectation of her expectations was completely blown out of the water.

I'm writing this today because I think I've been expecting 'more' of The Forgiveness Project. Not being able to check in each day and write, because I was on holiday and cycling (and Nige would definitely not have forgiven me if I'd packed my really heavy laptop in the panniers which he was carting around), has, I feel, hindered my progress with the project. As if I really was supposed to reach some kind of zenith of enlightenment, rather than being 22 days in and by and large still being the same human being. Pah. Who wants to be normal when you can be healed?

Perhaps I have been deceiving myself a little, too. Being with another human being 24/7 is the fastest way to see their perfectly imperfect yet quite irksome flaws. Having just read Nige's assessment of my 'dodgy gear changes' whilst driving Winston II Once Removed (aka his 1989 Honda Civic) (see day 11), I am provoked into something of a defensive outburst... I do not change gears dodgily! See! The dictionary doesn't even recognize that as a real word! And in fact, mister, if you want to get personal, there is in you, I must point out, a road rager who emerges as soon as you turn the key in the ignition (and sometimes even before!)

"Oh my God," Nige says, reading over my shoulder. "Where's the forgiveness in that?!"

He's right of course. Where is the forgiveness? Because here I am on day 22 slightly annoyed that I haven't written every single day of this project, slightly overwhelmed by the things happening in my life (new freelance jobs, being a Godmother, just about to start the 30 Day Screw Work Let's Play Challenge, etc etc), and slowly realizing that actually, perhaps these past 22 days have been just right. Not too much for me to handle. Just enough forgiveness opportunities to make this project palatable without tearing my inner world apart. Just... right.

Now, about that bloody bus driver this afternoon..... This song is one I used to love love love and listened to non-stop. I feel it's very pertinent for today.

Happiness

It isn't

that I'm flying high,

dancing through meadows or

frolicking in oceans

right now.

My happiness

is simpler

than that,

wrapped deceivingly in

a double decker journey,

studying gaits,

noticing colours 

and feeling

my aching feet

make contact with

the floor, warm and

flat

like a stone I

found on a beach

once.

It's knowing that

this moment is

King,

and I its Queen;

that watching 

people carry shopping and

old people grow

older

is perhaps the most precious

of experiences, for 

in them lies

the key to enlightenment - 

first

"chop wood, carry 

shopping"

and then

"I am not a body - 

I am free."

Children will play.

Girls will look

effortlessly beautiful

and not realize it until

many years later.

Feet will ache,

and in and out I breathe.

Becoming 

conscious, slowly,

of the neverending presence

of love

in me.

Then and Now

"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."

James Joyce

Back then... I starved myself of nourishment and love. I told myself I was "fat", but what I really believed was that I was unloveable.
Now... I nourish my body, heart, mind and soul with loving actions and loving thoughts. I notice when I'm being super hard on myself, clear it, and change my mind. I choose to love myself instead. I make self-care a massive priority in my life.

Back then... I felt out of place, awkward and never felt secure. I lived in a state of red alert, ears pricked, eyes scanning my surroundings fearfully, waiting for the next abandonment.
Now... I surround myself with loving souls who appreciate me for who I am. I take the risk to let my guard down and show you who I really am. I walk through my fear of abandonment and remember that I am safe in every moment. I surrender my defenses and do my best to let him love me.

Back then... I hunched my body over in photographs, peeking out from the smallest bit of space I could squash myself into. I lived in a 'bucket of f***' and drowned in quicksands of shame.
Now... I put my shoulders back, look straight into the camera and say to myself, "You are beautiful, Elloa." I keep reminding myself to extend my neck, imagining there is a golden thread suspending me from heaven. I allow my body to expand. I'm learning to take my space in photographs, in the world.

Back then... I blacked out, numbed out, passed out, cried out, walked out, fell out, drowned out, dying inside.
Now... I tune in, check in, walk towards, turn up, show up, wake up, work out, reach out, leap about, laugh out loud, live a multicoloured, simple life.

Back then... I cut my arms with a sewing needle. I chewed food up and spat it out. I sickened myself. I loathed being me. I stuffed thousands of calories, stuffing until I threw up in my sugar-induced stuporous sleep. I got depressed. I lost all hope. I drank, puffed, drugged, trashed myself, betrayed, lied, exaggerated, stole, saw things, heard things, isolated, bitterly despised and became an empty shell of a human being.
Now... I wake up in the morning and half-asleep, I ask, "How can I be of service today?" to the beautiful Spirit that has loved, nourished and nurtured me back to wholeness. 
I stop sometimes and simply feel myself breathing in, breathing out. 
I practice saying thank you, a lot. 
I write down my dreams and wishes. 
I listen to my heart. 
I feel. 
I exercise - regularly - and it has changed my life. 
I don't count calories. 
I read inspirational books. 
I try to become the next best version of myself. 
I focus on what I can give. 
I wonder how other people are and I listen to their stories, try to hear the child underneath. 
I play. 
I give to myself. 
I am beginning to let my inner child make the art she always wanted to.
I mess up. 
I brush myself off. 
I say sorry. 
I embrace being alive.

Back then... Oh, how I would love to go back and hold myself. I guess I had to go through that long, dark night of the soul. It made me fiercely, passionately willing to do the work to claw my way back to life.
Now... I recognize that this truly is a life beyond my wildest dreams. I open myself right now to the amazing gifts that the Universe has for me, and I accept without fear or doubt that I have a massive and exquisite purpose. 

Perfectly imperfect xx

There are so many young women out there who are going through what I went through a few years ago. To all the hurting ones, I want to say this:

It truly is darkest before the dawn. 

It may not seem like it right now, but I promise you that things can be different, and you can heal. 

There is so much goodness in this world, and so much love inside you. 

You are innocent. 

You are enough - just the way you are. 

You are utterly precious and completely irreplaceable. 

You are beyond comparison. 

You are not your anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, self-harm, promiscuity, self-hate, shame, guilt, despair, sense of brokenness. You are so much bigger than all of those things put together. 

If you want to know a different way, ask for help. 

Ask and keep on asking until you see a tiny chink of light. 

You will see it. It will appear. 

And when it does, even if in the beginning it is the tiniest whisper, focus on it. 

Think about it every day. 

Ask it what you need to do to help it grow. 

Water it with loving thoughts, tiny changes, a walk in the park, a massage, a love letter to yourself.

You will know love. You will know love.

And never, ever, ever give up hope. There is another way and it is just waiting for you to turn and face it. 

You will be greeted by a thousand angels. 

You will be guided. 

You will know love.

Love,
Elloa xx