Wow - I am a writer!

For when it is quite, quite nothing, then it is everything.

When I am trodden quite out, quite, quite out,

every vestige gone, then I am here

risen and setting my foot on another world

risen, accomplishing a resurrection

risen, not born again, but risen, body the same as before, 

new beyond knowledge of newness, alive beyond life,

proud beyond inkling or furthest conception of pride,

living where life was never yet dreamed of, not hinted at,

here, in the other world, still terrestrial

myself, the same as before, yet unaccountably new.

D.H. Lawrence

Recently, I have gone through a crisis; I have been trodden quite out, quite, quite out. I am just emerging from it, still feeling delicate.

And somehow, Spirit knew that it would be healing for me to write about it, and an angel in the form of Hattie B invited me to guest post over at People Like Us - published today.

Today, I have also been published over at SABBSLondon.com.

Oh, and I edit and put together and write for The Ripple every quarter. I love this magazine!

Other writing-y things are happening without me even trying to 'make' them happen - proofreading and copy editing not one but perhaps two books, and a possible job in a bookshop even! I have plans to interview local actors for the Theatre Company I'm part of, and somewhere in the depths of my being (dare I say this?) I think (whispering) that there might be a book in me. Yes! A whole book!

So, six months after leaving a full-time job and setting an intention to get paid to write... things are happening. For a while, it looked pretty bleak and I became almost paralysed with fear. Keep stepping forward, one step at a time, I heard again and again in myriad forms. Today, just for this one beautiful day, it's as if my life is knocking on my forehead and saying to me, "Wake up Ell - you already are a writer. See! I'll show you!"

My new playbook. Mmmmm!
Also notice the gorgeous scarf in the background
- a gift from two beautiful friends who stayed last week.

I am so immensely grateful.

What is it that you dream of being? 

Where are you already living that in your life? 

How can you bring just ten minutes of that dream life to life today?

Screw Work, Let's Play

October is a big month for me. I am doing the Screw Work Let's Play 30 day challenge (hopefully continuing to forgive along the way!).

I will be uploading my progress from the challenge to this space, because I love this space, and because I know that my commitment is really going to be elsewhere.

All I can say, one day in, is that this challenge is frikkin' powerful. Deeply, deeply powerful.

May the miracles unfold...

My project is:

Starting a fortnightly women's circle in Steyning, West Sussex. The circle will be a place for women to come and share stories, express themselves in a brilliant variety of ways, sing, drum, play, dance, laugh, cry, weave dreams, and step into their magnificence.

On the 30 October at 5pm I will be sharing the following with the community as the output of my project:

I will have run my first women's circle (on October 18th - the room is booked!) and will be preparing for the second circle on November 1st. I'll write about the evening, including photos where appropriate, and will publish this on my blog and on this site. If the circle has covered my costs and generated my first playcheque, I will joyfully photograph it for you!

What excites me the most about this project is...

Stepping into my magnificence as I create a space for women to step into theirs. When women gather together, miracles happen. That I could be the conduit of that process is so, so exciting for me.

I am also excited at the picture I have in my mind of the kind of space the circle will be and of the atmosphere I envision for it. I intend to hold an amazing space for these everyday Goddesses.

What scares me the most about this project is...

Stepping into my magnificence. Excitement and fear are so closely intertwined for me. Specifically, inviting people to come along to the circle (inviting, not selling!) and the projected image in my mind of whether I'll be 'up to the job' of holding the space on the night and whether I'll 'perform' and 'be good enough' (thank you, Top Dog. Now get lost!)

I hereby commit to the 30 Day Challenge pledge because... 

I am ready to answer the call in my heart to step into leadership and take the action necessary to bring my dreams to life. It is time to shine!

Love,

Elloa xx

Messy Creative desk

Me, very excited, with almost finished flyers

Homemade flyers

My Mission Statement

So much is happening right now that the only way I can comprehend it all is just to keep slowing down, being in the flow, bringing myself back to the moment. It's as if every day, I am being showered - actually, drenched - with positivity, support, encouragement, heart connection, and an unmistakable sense of guidance, pointing me firmly and resolutely in the direction of my dreams.

Thank you to all who have given me such wonderful feedback and input on my last post.

I wrote recently that I was in the middle of a sacred process, which on the surface appears to be centering on my career and which choice I will make next, which 'career path' I will follow. In reality, this process and this chapter in my life is about so, so much more.

It's about...

- my purpose - the deepest calling, the biggest yearnings, the secret dreams and forgotten passions
* saying YES (ever inspired by Julia and Alia) to my life, my heart, and the tiny whispers, the intuitive inklings, the seemingly insignificant nudges that are turning out to be strong roots connecting me to the earth, to being fully alive, to life!
- my spiritual practice and connection with Spirit, self and world
* the beautiful, creative little Elloa who dwells inside me
- community: this ever-expanding, inclusive, supportive community online; those I've known for years and haven't spoken to, suddenly rekindling fledgling connections; the community local to where I live; the community I'm part of in Clearmind
* play, and what that means and how that looks in my life
- all my relationships, present, past and future

My fire - my chi - is burning in my belly, blazing away the illusory ties that have bound me for so many years. I will not settle for mediocre anymore! No more excuses. More people became millionaires in the 30s' Great Depression in America than at any other time in the country's history. It's not the circumstances, but how you play within them, that makes all the difference. These new perspectives, beliefs and attitudes are taking root inside of me and I can feel my arms reaching for the sun, the stars, brushing the moon.

I am coming to this place: a place of living my life for me, knowing in every cell of my being that living in integrity is the biggest service I could offer to my dad, my mum, society, world. I am learning that it is possible for my work to be more like play, and that this in fact is a revolution that in five, ten, twenty years' time will have changed the world of work as we know it. Yes, it's risky. Yes, it's different. Yes, it's unconventional. I am thankful that it is so - I have had enough of playing it safe.

I want to shout from the rooftops, "I am free!" I need to live this journey more, so much more, infinitely more than I need another 'good' job with a steady income, security and predictability. As beautiful Brooke kept saying to me recently, the soul craves release. The release it has craved is coming in wave after wave at the moment - whilst running, whilst making love, whilst planting and weeding and pruning, whilst reading and reflecting, meditating and working out. Even while I fret and worry about money, security, how I'll pay the rent in August, my soul dances, delighted that I am here in this moment, right now.

Here, for you, for me, is my mission statement. It sums up the content of my purpose, but not the form. It reminds me every day that this one precious life is sacred, that it is here and now and that despite all the fear I might encounter within and without, that I really and truly do have a choice about how I live each day.

Love,
Elloa xx

Stuck! (Or perhaps not)

My first career coaching session earlier this week consisted of me answering a whole bunch of questions, some of which are...

What were your favourite subjects at school up to age 11 (not just the ones you did best at)?

What did you enjoy doing outside the classroom?

If you could do someone else’s job for a week, what would you do?

If your friends are having a conversation, what’s the kind of topic that will make you want to jump in and join the conversation?

Answering these questions (and more) really got me excited, enthused and happy. I knew instantly that if I could do someone else's job for a week, I would be in musical theatre in London's West End. Other questions (relating to my studies and to jobs I've applied for or been drawn to apply for) I found harder to answer.

After the session, my coach sent me the questions to ponder upon further if I wished, and a second wave of answers began to emerge. 

Relationships are a key area that I'm interested in, I realize. 

What makes people who they are - the journey they've been on in their life, to bring them to this point: not just the hand they're dealt in life, but crucially, how they've played it. 

Being outdoors.

Cycling.

Tea.

Singing, dancing, performing.

Being creative, alive, connected and free.

It was the stuff around my early childhood that brought the biggest wave of happiness to me - remembering how effortlessly we played as children, whether it was 'What's the time, Mr Wolf?', or 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles', or a simple game of marbles. I loved becoming absorbed in something as a child, and my imagination was powerful.

And yet now, I feel stuck.

I need help. Your help, if you're willing to give it.

My coach drew out certain themes that arose from the questions, and I jotted them down. There were loads in there, ranging from linguistics to movement to animals to cake. I had to select only the ones that I really wanted to be part of my working life for the next 12 months. The others I am prepared to shelve, for at least a year, in my professional life at least.

My homework is to play for a while, matching up two topics at a time and coming up with imaginative jobs or ways that I could make some money or build something involving these areas.

And I'm stuck.

Here is my list:

Tea (and cake)

Dance

Reading

Cycling

Theatre and musicals (performing)

Spirituality

Facilitation (of therapeutic processes)

Writing

Personal development

Animals/the environment

Creative games outdoors

I don't know if it's because the subjects are so broad, or because these things excite me so much that I've almost gone into shut down mode, but I just can't come up with ideas that I think are in any way half decent. 

Here are some of the terrible ideas I've had (I know, I'm judging myself):

Tea (and cake) + Theatre and musicals (performing)

Organise tea and cake tours for theatre lovers e.g. a matinee show plus a great tea room. (Write double reviews)

Write a musical about tea and cake

Write and educational play about the history of tea and cake in England (oh God help me, I'm really scraping the barrel here)

Give talks on the history of theatre over afternoon tea

Debate pros and cons of musicals vs theatre, in a cafe environment

Writing + Facilitation

Write articles/a book about being a Clearmind assistant

Blog about trust as the foundation of surrendered facilitation

Write a book on the history of Clearmind

Supporting yourself and your students in the classroom - e.g. use the Tao of Leadership

Journey from being a participant to an assistant

Proofread/ edit articles or books on facilitation

Write something accessible to the masses and send off for publication

Dance + Theatre and musicals

Work for a dance school or at a theatre

Ditto for the BBC on Strictly Come Dancing

Write a show and take it to a performing arts festival

Audition for paid musical work ('yeah right', I think. Hey you - LET ME DREAM!)

Make a piece of 5 rhythms based theatre

Train to be a 5 rhythms teacher

Incorporate 5 rhythms into an audience based discipline e.g. use masks, partner work, the self watching the self

Get involved in flashmobbing

I feel so unexcited, so demotivated, so sceptical of all of these stupid ideas. I stopped after three combinations because I felt so stupid about all of these ideas. That voice is telling me that there's nothing that I could do that is going to make me happy and make me any money.

Also, I don't believe that I have what it takes to earn a living out of something that I love. Perhaps that's why the ideas I've come up with are not money making ideas; I'm blocking my own process. 

Maybe that's why my coach wants me to do this homework with someone else.

Can you help me? If you can imagine any cool combinations of the above topics, please would you leave a comment for me, or email me on elloabarbour@yahoo.com

Thank you. I'm really hoping that I can push through this stuck place. I was on such a great roll with all this career process, and now I feel defeated again.

Feeling vulnerable, scared of what you think of my ideas, but knowing that I have to get open and vulnerable and ask for help around this stuff.

Love,

Elloa xx

P.S. Just read this fabulous post by beautiful Julia over at Painted path - perhaps patience rather than 'Shoulding' over myself is going to pave the way for answers to pop up like daisies between paving stones. Thank you Julia :)