When I can't hold my heart, can you hold it for me?
When I don't stop and breathe, will you inhale life into me?
It hurts, these times of do-do-do-do
I crave soft space, a place to rest my weary limbs awhile.
Dear God, I have forgotten.
And I feel disconnected
from the places I feel safest in: his arms, her words, those hours spent with You
And yet here I am about to teach the way
Out of my own struggle to a room full of expectant souls
And yet I am a dervish whirling,
Tornado turning,
Avalanche of emotions, thoughts, doubts, hopes and fears.
How am I going to get through this weekend, I wonder?
And gently, You whisper, "Trust in Me. Call on me. Let me lead them home."
This journey almost calls me to depart my life entirely and take up
A life-long dedication to You
To retreat! To the mountains, to the sea, to a place of quiet tranquility.
I (almost) do this.
Do you know: what compels someone to actually give it all up?
For I yearn for Him like nothing else, yet still go out in the world
To shake hands, file files, and do all the things it asks me to do.
My challenge: - oh what a game! - to live in Your presence when surrounded by machines,
to treat each moment - waiting on the platform, hunched at my desk, body wrapped up in tasks tasks tasks - as an Opportunity
To see Your face and
Hear Your Voice and
Know Your love.
And I need help! God, I am finding it really hard! I am losing this game! It is beating me hands down.
I just want to give up. I want to say, "I quit! This game is too hard for me! I can't do it. I don't know how."
But the wisdom in my life reveals itself
layer
upon
layer
and sure enough, peace begins to sneak in through the cracks in the ego's system,
through the plant on my desk, still and green and breathing,
in the moments of curiosity that come upon me, and suddenly -
time! Space! Music!
and a fleeting moment of connection, all of which reminds me
always
that
always
You are here with me, and I live and grow and love in You.
It isn't perfect. It isn't meant to be.
But I am safe. And I am free. And only the love is real.
And that is all.
5 comments:
Whew, Elloa,
How can I tell you without this commment sounding trite and cliche at this point? THIS POST TOUCHED THE DEEPEST PARTS OF MY SOUL--
to see myself recognized in your struggle, in your prayer for surrender, in the contrast between the noise of the practical world of tasks that blares out, so that is is hard to hear the quiet. In teaching this, but questioning your worth to. Let me reassure you that you are teaching me more by being authentic and real.
"This journey almost calls me to depart my life entirely and take up
A life-long dedication to You"
I feel like I get this, and can feel what it would be like, in moments, to find this release--and then I'm back in the chaos.
Thank you for showing your experience in seeing through to the love that is there.
You are such a gift.
Exquisite Elloa....I deeply appreciate the woven tapestry of your vulnerability, longing, strength and trust. Thank you!
Hey Ell,
I love the way that you wear your heart on your sleeve. I truly admire your courage and willingness to go out on a limb and see things differently.
In my experience, when we speak our truth it can sometimes appear a little bit rough at the edges. Maybe you are right when you say
'It isn't perfect. It isn't meant to be.'
However it is the closest to truth we can get in that moment and that is always enough.
Love Nige XXX
Rumi lives! You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for this
Beautiful! I loved reading this. It had story in it but it was poetic. Thanks for sharing.
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