Vigilance

I am having one of those sort-out Sundays, catching up with 280 emails (all processed!), a bit of cleaning, a bit of clearing out of the unnecessary burdens I carry, within and without. And then I stumble upon this piece of writing that I did over a year and a half ago... enjoy.

Be vigilant for God and the Kingdom.

What does vigilance mean? In my mind, I picture it to be some kind of super-watchfulness, an alertness tinged with worry and a sense of threat that something is going to take away my peace. My peace! If A Course In Miracles is teaching that only love is real, how could this be what vigilance means?

  Perhaps vigilance is something else instead. For example, last night I felt irritable. I was struggling to see the Love in the situation I was in, unable to be present without buying into my frustration. I knew that I needed to do a chart. For a couple of minutes, I tried to think of valid excuses for not doing one. What I came up with was this: “it’s going to let him know that I am triggered if I say I’m doing a chart”. That was the best reason I could think of for not doing one – my fear of being exposed. I tried, unsuccessfully, to tell myself that it was better to go straight to bed, to not be sexual and to communicate that, and that that would in fact be a good thing because it would give me practice in asserting myself (see how slippery the ego is). I told myself that it would be gone in the morning. But as I went to the bathroom, I remember realizing very clearly that if I didn’t clear, then and there, I would be laying the foundation for dishonesty, resentment and irresponsibility, and that that would build, causing mountains further down the road from what was really not even a molehill.

  The clearing I therefore did, and I can honestly report that what came afterwards was true connection. My boyfriend and I connected, had exciting and sensual sexual connection, and then embarked on what turned into a very frank, extremely honest conversation. I went to bed and woke up next to a beautiful man who I love, instead of my parents, which is what I was projecting onto him in the moments that I was triggered.

  Further gifts came from this particular clearing. We both took time to check in this morning, and I shared what had come up for me in the second part of my clearing, which was the memory of hurting my sister when we were children, which I used as evidence to prove that I am bad and guilty. From sharing that, I was asked if there was something I could do to help myself with that belief, and the idea popped into my head of sending her a card telling her that I love her. Nige then suggested to me that I actually do this anonymously, in my non-dominant hand, and that I don’t tell her it was me even if she asks. (Funnily, I did this, and she got a bit freaked out by it, which brought me another opportunity to heal a misperception in my mind. Today, over 18 months later, I am really glad I sent it to her).

Nige told me that when he took Prac in Canada, each person became somebody’s angel and for an 8 month period, did anonymous acts of kindness for that person, putting books and crystals and concert tickets and notes and other gifts in their pigeon hole, without that person ever finding out who it was. It is like the film Pay It Forward. He talked a little about incorporating this into day-to-day life, buying a tea for the person behind you in a café without them knowing and then leaving before they could see it was you. I thought about the story of the toll gate on the road that I recently heard on the radio, in which a car decided to pay for the car behind it, and that car was so blown away by this act of kindness that they in turn decided to do the same thing, and so did the next, and the one after that. And I bet you that as those people drove down the motorway after that act, passing and being passed by umpteen cars, they smiled to themselves and felt really good about knowing that they had done something to one of these people, perhaps even the car passing them right now…

  So, out of this one piece of vigilance for God and the Kingdom came all these gifts. Yes, I had to take responsibility for the thoughts I was thinking, but really, can I truly say that that was such a bad or painful thing? It’s quite the opposite. Doing the chart allowed me to see Nige for who he really is again, restored me to my birthright, which is peace, generated some really interesting conversation, alchemised a beautiful experience of sexual and emotional intimacy, and quietened that awful, vicious voice in my head. Not bad for a ten minute process, and nobody was hurt in the doing of it.

  I guess that this leaves me with the conclusion that vigilance is about being aware of what my ego is doing, and having enough of a commitment to listening to the Holy Spirit that when I know I’ve got a piece of work to do, I do it. No ifs, no buts, no excuses. Just do it. Or JFDI, as some friends and I used to say – just f-ing do it!

  I don’t need to roll around in my mess, analysing every little thing that I think; I don’t even need to hunt around for opportunities for forgiveness work, because they will present themselves as and when they arise. One thing is certain – the ego can pick a fight over anything! So, I commit to the work, I do the work, and especially, I do it in the moments when I know I am not in my right mind. 

What does vigilance mean to you? And how are you today, dear one? xxx