Sunday, 28 November 2010


I am having one of those sort-out Sundays, catching up with 280 emails (all processed!), a bit of cleaning, a bit of clearing out of the unnecessary burdens I carry, within and without. And then I stumble upon this piece of writing that I did over a year and a half ago... enjoy.

Be vigilant for God and the Kingdom.
What does vigilance mean? In my mind, I picture it to be some kind of super-watchfulness, an alertness tinged with worry and a sense of threat that something is going to take away my peace. My peace! If A Course In Miracles is teaching that only love is real, how could this be what vigilance means?

  Perhaps vigilance is something else instead. For example, last night I felt irritable. I was struggling to see the Love in the situation I was in, unable to be present without buying into my frustration. I knew that I needed to do a chart. For a couple of minutes, I tried to think of valid excuses for not doing one. What I came up with was this: “it’s going to let him know that I am triggered if I say I’m doing a chart”. That was the best reason I could think of for not doing one – my fear of being exposed. I tried, unsuccessfully, to tell myself that it was better to go straight to bed, to not be sexual and to communicate that, and that that would in fact be a good thing because it would give me practice in asserting myself (see how slippery the ego is). I told myself that it would be gone in the morning. But as I went to the bathroom, I remember realizing very clearly that if I didn’t clear, then and there, I would be laying the foundation for dishonesty, resentment and irresponsibility, and that that would build, causing mountains further down the road from what was really not even a molehill.

  The clearing I therefore did, and I can honestly report that what came afterwards was true connection. My boyfriend and I connected, had exciting and sensual sexual connection, and then embarked on what turned into a very frank, extremely honest conversation. I went to bed and woke up next to a beautiful man who I love, instead of my parents, which is what I was projecting onto him in the moments that I was triggered.

  Further gifts came from this particular clearing. We both took time to check in this morning, and I shared what had come up for me in the second part of my clearing, which was the memory of hurting my sister when we were children, which I used as evidence to prove that I am bad and guilty. From sharing that, I was asked if there was something I could do to help myself with that belief, and the idea popped into my head of sending her a card telling her that I love her. Nige then suggested to me that I actually do this anonymously, in my non-dominant hand, and that I don’t tell her it was me even if she asks. (Funnily, I did this, and she got a bit freaked out by it, which brought me another opportunity to heal a misperception in my mind. Today, over 18 months later, I am really glad I sent it to her).

Nige told me that when he took Prac in Canada, each person became somebody’s angel and for an 8 month period, did anonymous acts of kindness for that person, putting books and crystals and concert tickets and notes and other gifts in their pigeon hole, without that person ever finding out who it was. It is like the film Pay It Forward. He talked a little about incorporating this into day-to-day life, buying a tea for the person behind you in a cafĂ© without them knowing and then leaving before they could see it was you. I thought about the story of the toll gate on the road that I recently heard on the radio, in which a car decided to pay for the car behind it, and that car was so blown away by this act of kindness that they in turn decided to do the same thing, and so did the next, and the one after that. And I bet you that as those people drove down the motorway after that act, passing and being passed by umpteen cars, they smiled to themselves and felt really good about knowing that they had done something to one of these people, perhaps even the car passing them right now…

  So, out of this one piece of vigilance for God and the Kingdom came all these gifts. Yes, I had to take responsibility for the thoughts I was thinking, but really, can I truly say that that was such a bad or painful thing? It’s quite the opposite. Doing the chart allowed me to see Nige for who he really is again, restored me to my birthright, which is peace, generated some really interesting conversation, alchemised a beautiful experience of sexual and emotional intimacy, and quietened that awful, vicious voice in my head. Not bad for a ten minute process, and nobody was hurt in the doing of it.

  I guess that this leaves me with the conclusion that vigilance is about being aware of what my ego is doing, and having enough of a commitment to listening to the Holy Spirit that when I know I’ve got a piece of work to do, I do it. No ifs, no buts, no excuses. Just do it. Or JFDI, as some friends and I used to say – just f-ing do it!

  I don’t need to roll around in my mess, analysing every little thing that I think; I don’t even need to hunt around for opportunities for forgiveness work, because they will present themselves as and when they arise. One thing is certain – the ego can pick a fight over anything! So, I commit to the work, I do the work, and especially, I do it in the moments when I know I am not in my right mind. 

What does vigilance mean to you? And how are you today, dear one? xxx

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Where have I been?, I wonder

When I can't hold my heart, can you hold it for me?
When I don't stop and breathe, will you inhale life into me?
It hurts, these times of do-do-do-do
I crave soft space, a place to rest my weary limbs awhile.

Dear God, I have forgotten.
And I feel disconnected
from the places I feel safest in: his arms, her words, those hours spent with You
And yet here I am about to teach the way
Out of my own struggle to a room full of expectant souls
And yet I am a dervish whirling,
Tornado turning,
Avalanche of emotions, thoughts, doubts, hopes and fears.
How am I going to get through this weekend, I wonder?
And gently, You whisper, "Trust in Me. Call on me. Let me lead them home."

This journey almost calls me to depart my life entirely and take up
A life-long dedication to You
To retreat! To the mountains, to the sea, to a place of quiet tranquility.

I (almost) do this.

Do you know: what compels someone to actually give it all up?

For I yearn for Him like nothing else, yet still go out in the world
To shake hands, file files, and do all the things it asks me to do.

My challenge: - oh what a game! - to live in Your presence when surrounded by machines,
to treat each moment - waiting on the platform, hunched at my desk, body wrapped up in tasks tasks tasks - as an Opportunity
To see Your face and
Hear Your Voice and
Know Your love.

And I need help! God, I am finding it really hard! I am losing this game! It is beating me hands down.
I just want to give up. I want to say, "I quit! This game is too hard for me! I can't do it. I don't know how."

But the wisdom in my life reveals itself
and sure enough, peace begins to sneak in through the cracks in the ego's system,
through the plant on my desk, still and green and breathing,
in the moments of curiosity that come upon me, and suddenly -

time! Space! Music!

and a fleeting moment of connection, all of which reminds me
You are here with me, and I live and grow and love in You.
It isn't perfect. It isn't meant to be.
But I am safe. And I am free. And only the love is real.
And that is all.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Discerning Widsom From Insanity

I am so excited! Today, I have the honour of publishing my first ever guest post, written by an exquisitely beautiful, gifted woman. Anne-Marie Marron is someone who, when you're in her presence, visibly resonates the most incredible energy of love, acceptance and wisdom. 

I met Anne-Marie in Spring 2009 at the gorgeous Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California. Although we didn't get much time together, I knew in my gut and in my heart that meeting her was significant. She departed one Sunday afternoon, and it wasn't until many months later that we became reacquainted through Facebook. 

Then, one day a few months ago, I saw a post from Anne-Marie offering complimentary coaching in September. Her business name, "Revealing Widsom" has the strapline, "Allowing your life to be your teacher", and my wise one said, "Yes! Yes!"

What I received from meeting with Anne-Marie in that first session was almost indescribably beautiful - a vision of my life, a year in the future, which was so full of Elloaness that I was surprised I'd never encountered it before. I didn't even have to make the decision to enter officially into coaching with her; the decision just arose from within me. Working with Anne-Marie is one of the highlights of my week. The space she holds is full of everything I need: a completely nourishing sense of safety; unlimited, unrestricted permission to explore and express; a space which just naturally generates insight, a deep sense of being known, and playful connection galore.

It is my humble opinion that this woman has an incredible gift, which she is so willing to extend and share. Please take a few moments to visit her lovely website, and don't just take my word for it!

Finally, I would like to thank the ingenious people who created Skype, allowing us to meet face to face each week even though we live thousands of miles apart.

And now... drumroll please... It's Anne-Marie!

Discerning Wisdom from Insanity

“Just Rest…You Will Know When You Need to Know”

I recently participated in a Hakomi weekend; a somatic based mindfulness-training.
The message I received in the stillness and quieting of my mind was, “Just rest.  You will know when you need to know”.
As my mind spun through the various scenarios in my life that ‘need’ tending or ‘fixing’, this voice stopped me in my tracks.  What is most true is that any effort for me ‘to know‘ only prolongs my capacity to feel the gifts in my life right now.
In that moment, I dropped any agenda and felt the resting in my mind and body.
There are two gems from this experience that I want to share:
Stop and Rest:
This doesn’t mean crawl back into bed and take a respite from the world, although it sometimes can mean this.
To rest is to no longer feel flung around by the mind and its many distractions, stories and tugs that keep us actively solving and analyzing.
It takes great discipline to recognize the automatic response of the mind to interpret and commentate about our experiences rather than simply abide in our immediate experience.
When we cultivate enough awareness to investigate and witness the default patterns of the mind, we can begin to make new choices and rewire the neural pathways in the brain that impact our emotions and physical vitality.
How do you stop when the mind is spinning and guiding you down a well worn track that feels comfortably twisted and simultaneously limiting?
Do you notice the subtle default responses to work harder, achieve, understand or resolve?

Stay With the Longing:
I love to learn, explore and connect with people on a deep level.   I often find that my heart physically hurts as it longs for a particular kind of connection, community or experience.
Longing is a perfectly normal human condition.   When I can stop here, I don’t experience any distress.  When I don’t stop with the longing and I attempt to package and identify a form for these longings to take shape into, I struggle.
In my efforts to ‘fulfill’ this inspiration, I forget that the intelligence born from the longing will offer the opportunity or insight in its own timing.  I’m not suggesting we sit back, kick up our feet and zone out.
The invitation is to stay with the longing and to allow life to inform us through its mysterious and unpredictable ways.
There is an innate skill we have to attract experiences and information to guide us.   It requires quieting down, listening and receiving information from all sources that inform us.  
How do we listen to the messages from the subtle cues of our body, mind & life experiences?
For example, a chance meeting with someone we needed to meet or learn something from or a random Google search that introduces us to something that mobilizes a particular movement toward our longing.
When I bring this unconscious information into my awareness I experience an exquisite kind of freedom.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Lesson 231

Here is my lesson for the day from ACIM. I think it's beautiful, reminding me that behind every whim, every desire, every urge, every longing, is the truest yearning in my heart which is to know and abide in Love.

You might find you struggle with the language. That's okay. Perhaps just read it anyway.

Elloa xxx

Father, I will but to remember You.

What can I seek for, Father, but Your Love? Perhaps I think I seek for something else; a something I have called by many names. Yet is Your Love the only thing I seek, or ever sought. For there is nothing else that I could ever really want to find. Let me remember You. What else could I desire but the truth about myself?

This is your will, my brother. And you share this will with me, and with the One as well Who is our Father. To remember Him is Heaven. This we seek. And only this is what it will be given us to find.