From empty to full

Sometimes I get confused in my being. I think that what I need to fill the emptiness I feel deep within the core of my being - conveniently located very near my stomach! - is a big, big piece of chocolate cake.

Having just eaten a big, big piece of chocolate cake (!!), I wrote an email to my beautiful friend, way over in the US, and suddenly, in a split second, realised or remembered that this nagging sense of 'not quite good enough' that has been plaguing me very quietly since I left my job three weeks ago is, in fact, a pile of what the Amercians would call "baloney". The English would say it's "codswallop" or "rubbish". In plain language, it is bullshit.

The reason I've been choosing to focus on gratitude on and off recently is because of this looming sense of lack that has been hanging around me, worming its way into my thoughts and trying to weave itself into my day. When I focus on gratitude, an expansive, incredible sense of abundance springs up within me in a matter of seconds. It is, I think, what A Course In Miracles calls a holy instant. It is a change of mind about myself, about others, about the truth of life on this planet spinning in space, as Nige called it recently.

Here are just some of the incredible things that have been happening in my life recently... I am listening closely, just to make sure that I remember how wonderful this life is!

- I performed as Lily St Regis opposite Nige, who played Rooster Hannigan, in Annie! just a couple of weeks ago. Three years ago, it was a mere pipe dream to perform in a musical, and suddenly, bang! It's happened!
- Next Friday I am singing in a fundraising concert which forms part of the local 'Gardens & Arts Weekend'. Amongst other songs - including 'Tell Me On A Sunday', my solo - I am so lucky to be singing 'Cell Block Tango' from Chicago with a fiery, fabulous group of female foxettes. I love this song! I get to say the infamous line, "He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times."
- I am receiving completely bespoke, *free* personal training from Nige, who is soon to be taking his Level 3 Personal Trainer fitness exam (and who, I have a strong hunch, is going to pass with flying colours).
- I am in the process of having careers coaching with an amazing guy who has already really helped me, and I've not even had my first official session yet! I've learned that I am a Scanner, which has been a massive relief and has given me a taster of the kind of life I could be living.
- I spent yesterday afternoon modelling for my friend (see my 'everything I've ever wanted to do' page!), and lying on the beach listening to the soothing tide kiss the shore. I paddled in the sea and practised my song for next week's concert. 
- I am in a beautiful, ever evolving relationship. I am not expected to be perfect in it. I am treated with kindness, respect, gentleness, understanding, humour. I'm held, caressed, affirmed, and loved on a daily basis. This is like nothing I've ever known, and there are so many more adventures for us to have.
- I am slowly but steadily increasing the number of miles I ride on my bike, and I'm riding regularly, and always in the most beautiful surroundings. I rode 28 miles yesterday, 35 a few days before that, 31 a few days later, 16 in between, 10 one evening after Nige arrived home from work... The dream of touring this country on two wheels is becoming more and more real.
- I've been trusted with the job of editing the Ripple newsletter, which is a huge privilege to me. Clearmind is one of my soul havens, a place where I adore giving back, a place where I've received so much. I'm on the team, and I have somewhere to channel all of my ideas into.
- My 'Reflections' were published in our local theatre company's newsletter this week. What's more, it was so easy for me to write the piece, encouraging our members to respect and support one another, hopefully inspiring those who read it to reflect on their own purpose within the theatre company.
- I'm reading 'Screw Work Let's Play' by John Williams and am getting so much value out of it.
- I start my gardening round this week! New adventures await.
- I've been invited to attend the 'Cowboy Cabaret' that a friend and his wife are hosting. An evening of barn dancing, songs and a lot of Yee-Ha-ing awaits.


Is it true that my life is empty? Of course not! It's bollocks (excuse the bad language, but sometimes it is really, really necessary. One of those times is now). I have so much to be grateful for, and simply naming some of the stuff out loud immediately puts me in a place of celebrating. I'm in abundance rather than lack and comparison, and the world is a friendly place once again. I'm enough, once again (I never stopped being enough, I just thought I did).

My life is beautiful. It's full of surprises, full of opportunities to connect, full of full-bodied, toe-tapping, inspiring, breathtakingly beautiful... living!

Right, I've got to go... rehearsal starts in 40 minutes :)

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to connect here. xx