Clearing during sex

This blog post is about being careful what you wish for.

For example, yesterday I said to Nige that I didn't know what to write about in my next blog post. After a brief silence, he responded with, "Clearing during sex".

Oh shit. Now I have to take a major risk. Writing about my sex life? On the internet? Well don't worry dear reader, I am not about to do myself the indignity of providing all the sordid details. But I will say this: being in a relationship where honesty - sometimes brutal honesty - runs through as the Thames does London means that in order to get from fear to love, sometimes honesty is required at really inconvenient moments. Like during sex.

Another reason to be careful - or perhaps more accurately, conscious - of what you wish for, is evidenced in the fact that as I keep surrendering the relationship with Nige to the Holy Spirit for the purposes of healing and love, I keep being presented with unusual and challenging moments in which I am presented with a choice. My choice is always simple, though it often appears to be very complicated - fear, or love; control, or surrender; my way, or another way.

A Course in Miracles, the backbone of my not very sturdy but getting there spiritual practice, teaches that there are two thought systems in the world - love and fear - and that we humans are completely aligned with one of these thought systems at any one time. The undoing of fear and return to love is the journey that I am on in this life; the more I focus on my spiritual 'program', the more clearly I see each circumstance, chapter and season in my life from this awe-inspiring, beautiful perspective that makes so much sense to me. While I care about where I live, how I look, and what I do for a living (currently - nothing! Soon I will need to start earning some money again - help me universe!), these things are not what drives my life, although occasionally I lapse into extended periods of fear and these things are, for a short time, at the forefront of my attention. (Recently, for example, I've been quite scared about my future because in twelve days' time I'll be unemployed. Yikes!)

Most of the time though, what drives my life is a something that started many years ago really, when I was at school: miserable, in love with a boy who didn't love me back (isn't that so painful when you're 15?!), full of self-hate and empty of self-worth. At eighteen, I experienced the first of many rock bottoms, and a sweaty, paranoid, fear-infested surrender that lay the foundation for the rest of my life to date.

Today, in October 2010, life is beyond recognition from where it was in October 2001 (although oddly, I am living in Sussex, the very place I was 9 years ago when I spiralled out of control at university). Among other astonishing things, I am in a beautiful relationship with a man who I used to have high up on a spiritual pedestal. This in itself is a miracle! He is a mighty companion, a soul mate, and no longer an idol but a Teacher of God and an inspiration.

My best friend said to me recently that a few years ago I was "battered by life", and I laugh - somewhat uncomfortably - at such a succinct and accurate description of how I used to be. Nowadays, I'm generally pretty stable, able to conduct my life on a day-to-day basis, able to be around people, able to function.

And yet, there are still layers and layers of the onion to be peeled; I know that. Last night, during sex, I started to experience a kind of distancing from the moment, a sense of disgust overwhelming me quietly as I looked at my body and judged it and attacked it. The moment arrived when I couldn't hold it in any longer: "Can I show up?" I asked Nige. We stopped. We took about fifteen minutes. I cleared, using the four-step getting real process I learned in Clearmind. And afterwards... let's just say that I was clear, grounded and present again.

More and more in my life, I am being called to truly Be Present. I have done a lot of work on healing the past, and it seems that a new path is opening up before me, one which invites me to enter into the magic, the mystery and the unexplainable beauty of the present moment, the eternal Now.

It's bloody fantastic, to be honest with you. I get the hugest amount of pleasure and joy from the simplest little things, things which our consumerist society always distracts us from - the squirrel scurrying on the roof ... the branches of a faraway tree being rustled in the morning by birds ... the wind on my face as I cycle ... the feel of Nige's skin against mine.

If I have to have occasional meltdowns about my stupid Princess Diana hair (a whole other story), or stop mid-sex to clear, then so be it. I will continue to wake up in the morning and thank God for the grey skies, the breeze, and this beautiful, beautiful life that I have been given in such abundance. I will continue to surrender my days into His care. And I will continue to love, love, love. I will not jump ship. I will not run away. I will stay and face every single one of my demons until I can truly say that I have forgiven them, or until my time is up - whichever comes first.

So, I'm being conscious what I wish for. I'm learning that anything standing in the way of it may well be brought to my attention, for my attention, in order to clear the way and allow me to return to a state of love and peace.

So... What is your experience of surrender, especially in relationships? Can you relate to what I've written about here? I'd love to hear....

Love always,
Elloa xxx