Thursday 22 September 2011

Expectations, expectations

Expectations are weird, aren't they? I once asked a friend once about what she was expecting to happen around a particular event, and although I can't remember the circumstances, I distinctly recall her response. She said, "I try not to have expectations." Woah! My expectation of her expectations was completely blown out of the water.

I'm writing this today because I think I've been expecting 'more' of The Forgiveness Project. Not being able to check in each day and write, because I was on holiday and cycling (and Nige would definitely not have forgiven me if I'd packed my really heavy laptop in the panniers which he was carting around), has, I feel, hindered my progress with the project. As if I really was supposed to reach some kind of zenith of enlightenment, rather than being 22 days in and by and large still being the same human being. Pah. Who wants to be normal when you can be healed?

Perhaps I have been deceiving myself a little, too. Being with another human being 24/7 is the fastest way to see their perfectly imperfect yet quite irksome flaws. Having just read Nige's assessment of my 'dodgy gear changes' whilst driving Winston II Once Removed (aka his 1989 Honda Civic) (see day 11), I am provoked into something of a defensive outburst... I do not change gears dodgily! See! The dictionary doesn't even recognize that as a real word! And in fact, mister, if you want to get personal, there is in you, I must point out, a road rager who emerges as soon as you turn the key in the ignition (and sometimes even before!)

"Oh my God," Nige says, reading over my shoulder. "Where's the forgiveness in that?!"

He's right of course. Where is the forgiveness? Because here I am on day 22 slightly annoyed that I haven't written every single day of this project, slightly overwhelmed by the things happening in my life (new freelance jobs, being a Godmother, just about to start the 30 Day Screw Work Let's Play Challenge, etc etc), and slowly realizing that actually, perhaps these past 22 days have been just right. Not too much for me to handle. Just enough forgiveness opportunities to make this project palatable without tearing my inner world apart. Just... right.

Now, about that bloody bus driver this afternoon..... This song is one I used to love love love and listened to non-stop. I feel it's very pertinent for today.


2 comments:

aLifeness said...

Expectations....what a great (not!) thing to fantasise about. El, im fighting a daily battle not to give in to my ego's wonderful fantasy of how fantastic my birthday party is going to be tomorrow night and how 'special' i'm going to feel. instead im trying to humble myself all the time and try to connect with gratitude rather than specialness but it is one difficult battle. so reading your post made me laugh and thank you for showing me that im not alone with it xx

Brooke said...

This was such a fun post! I love how you are being real and sharing your expectations and how this experience has been put through your judge-o-meter.

I love that you are letting it go and seeing it as exactly perfect.

I love how Maureen Moss says that you are in the exact right place in every moment to meet the divine. If you were anywhere else, you'd be off your path.

I saw something today about shooting like a girl and embracing it. This post makes me think of you changing gears like a girl. I find the idea that you change gears like a girl something to celebrate and dance about. When I imagine your hands doing it, I can't help but feel it is special. Your way. No other way but yours.