Apprenticeship?

I see myself entering a time of apprenticeship.
The very word appeals to me. To apprentice: to be a beginner, a rookie, a novice. In other words, to not know. In applying for jobs recently, I've felt uncomfortable with the pressure to put myself across in applications as One Who Knows. Do you know what the truth is?

I DON'T KNOW!

Some days, I don't know anything! Other days, I know just enough to get by - how to smile, how to put one foot unsteadily in front of the other, how to yearn, how to cry out to God.

So often, I feel the pressure to know what I'm talking about, and I won't lie to you, or to myself more importantly: sometimes, I pretend I Know It All (ask Nige!). It doesn't feel comfortable, it doesn't feel sincere, and it doesn't feel real. 

Why? 

Because I'm human! I'm just a 27 year old person who has seen a few things, taken a few brave steps, and laid some boundaries. But I don't have at least three years management experience, and I don't even know whether to put an apostrophe in the word years in that phrase! (Is it three years' experience? I'm an English graduate and I've never quite figured it out... if you know the answer, please leave it in a comment below!)

And my life is changing, so very fast at the moment. Made redundant, changing direction, things percolating inside of me (that one's for you, Laura). A conversation with a friend, and a suggestion that I might want to apprentice with an experienced coach as part of my fledgling journey to becoming a life coach myself. And do you know something? The idea is sitting very comfortably with me. In fact, I'm actually genuinely excited about it - hence all the italics.

When I did the Long Dance ceremony back in July, I learned about the School of Movement Medicine's Apprenticeship Programme, starting in March 2012. It is a two year long programme of intensive study with the founders of the school, and a prerequisite for those wanting to teach Movement Medicine. I'm coming to realize that whilst the apprenticeship itself didn't appeal to me, the concept of apprenticeship did. I made a conscious choice not to attend one of the absolute prerequisites for the apprenticeship, which effectively closed the door on it to me (save for a miracle), and since allowing that door to close, it appears that other windows and doorways are indeed appearing in front of me.

As summer says her last farewell and autumn rolls in, I notice a part of my mind that urgently seeks The Solution - the 'thing', Out There Somewhere, that will fix my life and provide me with direction, security and fulfillment, as well as the opportunity to reach my potential professionally of course. 

And do you know something else? It's all bollox! I know in the cells of my being what brings me true peace and happiness, and it isn't something out there, some missing piece out in the world somewhere that a random person that I've never even met has the power to either bestow to me or withhold from me. The dream job, the dream home, the dream life - they are a fallacy, as much of a fallacy as me pretending that at 27, or perhaps even 77, I know all the answers.

So what, then? If it's not about me going out and getting a good job, what's the point of getting up in the morning? Well, I'd be lying if I said I knew, but perhaps it's something to do with being, and feeling, fully alive. And that's something that, after years of addiction, obsessions, insecurities and fear, I feel inclined to invite into my life.

I do believe in God. I believe that there is a Power so great that I cannot possibly understand it, that I can only begin to glimpse the beauty and majesty of its Love for me in teeny weeny pockets of awakening. I don't think the world has got it completely wrong, either; I think we're supposed to grow, and to strive to be the most connected, creative, fulfilled and nourished versions of ourselves that we can be. But sometimes, there is a time for learning, and sometimes, a time for teaching, and sometimes, the two are completely inseparable and identical. 

Right now in my life, I feel a call. I feel a call to give, by being there for the people I love - Nige, family, friends - but I also feel a call to be like a child again, soaking up new knowledge, wide-eyed with awe at the hundreds of wonderful new discoveries that await me each and every day. I feel a call to be an apprentice, to return to a place of not-knowing, in order for me to grow and be able to then, when the time is right, pass it on.

So I'm opening to this new idea, and I would like to publicly declare my invitation to the Universe to bring the right teacher(s) for me at this time into my life. The sheer amount of information available nowadays is overwhelming, and I am not sure that I know where to begin. But perhaps, if I just trust and let go, I might be led to the right people and situations - just as I have been so many times in my beautiful, unpredictable, full-of-grace life. 

Watch this space... and if you know of an amazing life coach who is looking for an apprentice, let me know!