The J word

Jealously I guard you,

Mine, mine, MINE

Angrily I starve you

Of all that is divine,

Stomach churns as I read words

From you to her to you,

A tiny voice proclaims the truth

But it can't quite get through.

So what do I do?

I act, I react, plot and plan

All the while I know it's mad

Worry, how I worry!

Sorry 

Sorry

SORRY

I am so wrong

And you'll be gone before 

too long if I continue 

in this way

I know I'm toxic - you'll not stay

You'll go away and find a home

While I'm left here 

all

 on

 my

 own

A simple rhyme, a heartfelt cry

A yearn for peace, my ego feasts

I breathe in deep,

 surrender?

 weep.

I write these words,

feel stiff with hurt
I cuss and curse
The hurt gets worse.

what is this for?

God where's the door

out of

this place?

.......

......

....

...

..

.

It's here.

In your tears.

Amidst your fears.

Sweet, sweet Elloa, I promise I hear.

I promise I'm here.

There's no truth in fear.

So breathe it all in.

And let it all out.

You have to let go, El.

You have to allow

This man to live free,

Or you'll never be

You think that it's hard
Impossible even
You're sure that you'll start
To drown in your feelings
But in you is peace
Forgiveness and truth
So breathe El, relax,
And let it come through.
I love you.

Yes, even now, I love you.

This is as close as I get today to returning to a state of love and peace. I hear the faintest whisper of home, beckoning me in each bird's song, in the glittering sunlight, in miniscule moments of sanity.

I am 'in the middle of something' right now and it's the yuckiest, muckiest, worst part of me. I am terrified. I feel alone. I am churned up. I am angry. I hate. I shake. I want to lash out, to hurt. I am reminded of so much, of so many things. I feel abandoned.

And yet, I know there is a gift in this for me. I have faith in that. I am seeing how much my peace of mind depends on this particular relationship, and that unsettles me. I feel a bit lost in myself, like I don't quite know who I am without him. Except that I do know. I know that I am a bright, life infested being who adores moments of beauty and takes joy in simplicity. And that right now, I feel physically sick. Aeons of betrayal course through my veins. I can't quite get to the other side. And my companion, the one I usually walk through stuff with, is miles away from this place. So I take baby steps, a word here, a breath there, an inching out into the world today, and I find that it hasn't fallen apart because I have not forgiven. My friends - thank God for friends! - reassure me that I am not insane.

And I wake, and hear these words in my mind, "Attack is never justified" (acim), and I know that at some point, I have to surrender being right in order to be happy. But right now, I'm pissed that they get to get away with whatever they want while I am the one who has to change.

Meanwhile, silence, no response. Conflict, a phantom enemy that I try to avoid at all costs, shows up with rigidity-inducing prescience. A tight chest. Nausea. Evidence all around me.

I lay my soul bare here, guessing this won't be read anyway. I have been pootling along, imagining that I have somehow escaped the fate of so many recovering addicts - a legacy of failed relationships. Today, a reality check.

I am a human being, and this is my dark side, the side I hide, the side I don't want you to know, the side that will make you go away.

Isn't it?

Eventually, I will have to answer questions.
Do I want to be a grown up or a groan up?
My sole responsibility is my soul responsibility.
My soul responsibility is my sole responsibility.
Somehow, in the middle of this dark forest, I gotta find a way out. Follow the flickers of light until they lead me to a clearing.

I'll let you all know how it goes.