Ego bust

First things first, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's time for a spot of honesty.

I love writing. I love words, and I love putting words together into sentences, paragraphs, or even as standalone monuments to the power of sound.

Butterfly.
Superglue.
Frangipani.

And yet, I do not live free. Like everyone else on the planet, I have an ego, and much like everyone else's (from what I've seen), my ego tells me outright lies and spins them as webs of truth. And I listen. I listen until I remember to laugh, usually until I am so much discomfort that I can't carry on. A few years ago, that discomfort was utterly debilitating. It was so intense that I had to do something, anything, to change how I was feeling. Nowadays, my life looks very different. I've come a long way. I'm proud of myself, and I still end up like a pretzel, tied up in knots around myself, completely confused and quite often "offended" (just ask Nige, poor guy).

My ego has been telling me that my blog is wrong. I don't write beautifully. I go on too long. I am failing. I am a burden.

These are the things I have believed about myself for my whole life, and they are not true! I know they're not true, and I have not just a shed but a busload of evidence that says otherwise. And yet the lies they keep on coming, more ghostly perhaps than they used to be, but just as haunting as ever.

Listening to these thoughts has prevented me from writing about a really important ceremony which is coming up in my life. I am therefore going to publish this now, and write a separate post which I will publish tomorrow. I am going to write what is in my heart. I give myself permission. This is what I am doing right now, and it feels good. It feels.... free! And I may write it a hundred, a thousand times over. Every time I choose love over fear, I will celebrate, because that singular choice is the most important one I will ever make, and indeed, A Course in Miracles says, the only real choice that ever exists.

There is no order of difficulty in miracles.
No one can fail who seeks to reach the truth.


These words are a comfort to my soul. When I read them, or think of them, it's like every part of my body exhales, every cell relaxes, and I rest a moment, completely at peace. I know I have heard God speak to me, and His word is always, always Love.

Thank you and goodnight x