Having only recently begun blogging, I feel an urgency and an intensity of wanting to share everything, and now! For today, I've decided to keep it simple and have a go at articulating the dreams I carry in my heart, some of which I have probably never even heard whispering to me in my sleep! This is a voyage into the unknown for me as much as for anyone who reads this.
On Saturday, I will be celebrating 8 years clean and sober. Eight years ago, I was 18 years old and I'd hit rock bottom good and proper. My life had spiralled out of control, and I was left, skeletal and exhausted, at the most pivotal crossroads I've ever encountered. My choice then was life or death, fear or love. This choice is one which I continue to be presented with day in, day out, and I make a consistent and heartfelt effort to choose love on an ongoing basis.
Every year since getting clean, I have recorded my dreams around the time of my anniversary. When I started on the 12 step road which ultimately led me to A Course in Miracles, which today is the foundation of my spiritual practice, the solid ground on which I stand, I was told that I could and indeed would have a life beyond my wildest dreams, as long as I didn't pick up that first drink or drug. It is an important ritual for me to keep returning to my heart, to listen to what she has to say and to endeavour to live more fully from that place.
To date, I haven't used a drink or a drug for 2919 days (including leap years), and my life has transformed time and time again, becoming what it is today, which is something that I'm utterly in love with. Back then, I was a shell of a person, and I couldn't begin to comprehend the things I would see, experience, feel, heal and do in the days and years to follow. The list below is surely not an exhaustive one, and I'll probably look back aged 30 and not be particularly fussed about certain items on the list. Tonight however, these things feel important, relevant and exciting.
So, here it is, my list of 30 Things Before I'm 30 (ooh, what an opportunity to play!):
Second time around, I would love to share this place and all it means to me with Nige, who is the love of my life. It was a time of intense separation for us when I was there last year, and a lot of things had to shift and change as a result of some of my behaviour whilst away. Second time around, I would love him to be intimately woven into my experience, and I wonder whether he would have an adventure there all of his own to go through.
Nige and I started cycling together only in September last year, and already we have seen and shared so much together. We've postponed our Lands End to John O'Groats trip (UK End to End) until we have suitable bikes. So, I suppose, as well as this goal, to cycle Italy, I also have these ones:
3. Nige and I to get proper touring bikes, like the Condor Frattello. It seems like a fairly tall order to both of us at the moment, although I did have a cunning idea the other day, which was for us to get married and ask for the bikes and all the necessary bits as wedding presents! We wouldn't need a Gift List if we got married, because we're both happy not having very much (although my recent penchant for clothes shopping is starting to worry me slightly). To have touring bikes that are designed and built to withstand the miles would be a dream come true for both of us. I believe it is totally possible for this to happen within the next 3 and a bit years.
4. To ride Lands End to John O'Groats with Nige. It's a goal which we set ourselves in October, and in February this year, we both realised, with the help of Dave Richards, that this wasn't going to be possible for May 2010. I for one am determined that we will see this come to pass, and that I will cycle the thousand miles from one end of the country to the other. To read more about this, see my other blog.
5. To have a proper holiday. Even Esalen and cycling are no substitute for a proper, two week long holiday. I'm not really a beach bum (all that sand!), but I confess that I do like a good few days lounging by a pool in the sun, with only the decision of which book to read or dish to sample weighing on my mind. When you do the WorkStudy program at Esalen, you work around 30 hours a week. Cycling is, needless to say, hard work, as stunning as it is too. What I'd like is a proper holiday, which at the moment seems very much out of my reach. So, yes, a holiday please.
7. To be able to bake. I have been thinking and talking about this for ages, and I've even signed up to Kate the Bake's blog for inspiration, but so far in my life, I don't recall ever baking a single cake. Perhaps we did cupcakes once when I was a kid, but I only remember eating the raw dough, and more often we did chocolate rice krispie cakes, which really aren't the same. Bake on!
8. To dance with either Gabrielle Roth or Jonathan Horan, her son. The 5rhyhtms have totally changed my life, my relationship with my body, and have helped me to become the dancer that always dwelt inside me but which I never properly set free. Gabrielle started the 5rhythms practice at Esalen (hence my going there - a pilgrimage of sorts), and it is a global practice now. My teachers, Chloe and Christian, are amazing people and wonderful dancers, and stagger me with their depth and humility and wisdom. A bigger dream of mine would be to become a 5rhythms teacher myself, but at the moment I don't really conceive of that as being possible by the time I'm 30. Some radical stuff would need to happen in my finances to make that possible! And secretly, a part of me thinks that I'm just not good/deserving enough to become a teacher of the rhythms. What an interesting observation. It feels more realistic for me to say that I'd like at least to dance with the founder of the practice by the time I'm 30.
9. Fuck it to self-doubt. I'd like to become a 5rhythms teacher by the time I'm 30. YEAH! That feels good. You should try it (saying fuck it to self-doubt, and, if you're that way inclined, 5rhythms too).
10. Have a go at my Paint Box idea. Hm. More on this another time I think.
11. See Marianne Williamson speak. She's amazing.
12. Spend some quality time with Grandma, Bob and Rachel. Grandma was very present for me when I was a child, and I miss her.
14. Be present in my sisters' and brothers' lives. I can't believe how quickly we've all grown up! I get the feeling that our lives are going to spiral off in a hundred different directions over the coming months and years, and I'd like to be close with them. They are beautiful and talented people and I'm so proud of each one of them - Rosie, Daisy, Bill, Edie, Josh. Love you guys.
15. Support on another Awakening workshop. After getting clean, this was one of the most transformative experiences of my entire life. Each one I attend reinforces my commitment to the work of healing, undoing and the decision to live in Love and not fear. The workshop and subsequently the work have impacted my heart, mind, body, soul and relationships in ways that will have repercussions for decades to come. It really is that impacting.
16. See Take That in concert again. Please God, let them play again before 2013, and let me be there!
18. Forgive my mum. Dear God, you are in charge of this one. Rather than a dream, it's an intention. I know too that it's a somewhat intangible "goal", and one which I attain repeatedly. I guess this one is very personal and very much between me and God, and in the quietness of my heart, I know what I mean when I write these words. Innocent, lovely, Kim.
19. Do a Sweat Lodge. I've done two so far in my life, and they were both very profound, very deep spiritual experiences. The first one was in Canada in 2004, and the second was in 2009 in California. At this rate, I'm not due another one until 2013, which might be right on the cusp of my thirtieth!
20. Go to Port Patrick with Nige. It's an important place to him and I'd love to see it.
21. Take afternoon tea on a steam train. Woo-woo!
22. Get my teeth sorted. I never got the chance to see the orthodontist when all my peers were, for reasons unknown, but I'd like to get my teeth fixed because I am unhappy with my overbite and overcrowded mouth.
24. To have some of my writing published. I don't think a blog counts, because it's completely self-published. It's a sort of distant dream of mine, and not really one I invest a lot of time in, but I have always loved writing, and I would like to explore that area more.
25. To go on holiday with a friend or friends. It's something I haven't done for years, since Abbie and I went to Ibiza in 2004 in fact, and being in a relationship, Nige would always be the first person I'd think about going away with. I reckon though that Liz and I would have a great time on holiday together, and I'd love to live such an abundant life that holidays with both Nige and friends would be possible.
26. To read poetry aloud in front of a group of people. Actually, I've kind of already achieved this dream, reading one of my poems, "Permission", at an open mic night at Esalen last year. I'd like to do it again though!
27. Write and record a sketch show. I've got lots of silly ideas, and the thought of actually committing them to paper and then filming them is really scary for me, but something I think I'd get a huge confidence boost from.
28. Go to a country I've never been to before. I guess this ties in with number 5. I love seeing new and different cultures, and more and more I'm coming to appreciate the land.
29. Move into my own flat. I think I'll be ready by the time I'm 30 to be living in somewhere I can truly call home. I'm not quite as convinced about this one though.
30. Simply, to love. My intention for this life is to live it in love, joy and peace, rather than fear, attack and guilt. This morning, I've spent about an hour doing a clearing in order to return to a state of love and peace. I'm back here! It's where I want to live. None of the external stuff really matters, as long as I'm clear, accountable, and in my right mind. This isn't a quantifiable goal, but it's possibly the most important one I've written down.
So, what are your goals or dreams? What does your heart want to say?
A couple of great websites are 43 Things, and Future Me if you want a structure to work with.
Happy dwelling with your heart!
2 comments:
Im curious about those dreams, do you write about that somwhere?
Do you mean the dreams I've written each year?
When I was about three months clean, my first sponsor gave me a beautiful notebook made from bamboo, and I wrote the first 6 or 7 years' worth of dreams in there. I haven't blogged about them - yet - if that's what you mean.
What I can tell you off the top of my head is that some of those dreams are really irrelevant to me today; some, I've achieved; and some I totally let go of because they were symbols of safety I was seeking, rather than authentic desires of my heart.
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