Then and Now

"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."

James Joyce

Back then... I starved myself of nourishment and love. I told myself I was "fat", but what I really believed was that I was unloveable.
Now... I nourish my body, heart, mind and soul with loving actions and loving thoughts. I notice when I'm being super hard on myself, clear it, and change my mind. I choose to love myself instead. I make self-care a massive priority in my life.

Back then... I felt out of place, awkward and never felt secure. I lived in a state of red alert, ears pricked, eyes scanning my surroundings fearfully, waiting for the next abandonment.
Now... I surround myself with loving souls who appreciate me for who I am. I take the risk to let my guard down and show you who I really am. I walk through my fear of abandonment and remember that I am safe in every moment. I surrender my defenses and do my best to let him love me.

Back then... I hunched my body over in photographs, peeking out from the smallest bit of space I could squash myself into. I lived in a 'bucket of f***' and drowned in quicksands of shame.
Now... I put my shoulders back, look straight into the camera and say to myself, "You are beautiful, Elloa." I keep reminding myself to extend my neck, imagining there is a golden thread suspending me from heaven. I allow my body to expand. I'm learning to take my space in photographs, in the world.

Back then... I blacked out, numbed out, passed out, cried out, walked out, fell out, drowned out, dying inside.
Now... I tune in, check in, walk towards, turn up, show up, wake up, work out, reach out, leap about, laugh out loud, live a multicoloured, simple life.

Back then... I cut my arms with a sewing needle. I chewed food up and spat it out. I sickened myself. I loathed being me. I stuffed thousands of calories, stuffing until I threw up in my sugar-induced stuporous sleep. I got depressed. I lost all hope. I drank, puffed, drugged, trashed myself, betrayed, lied, exaggerated, stole, saw things, heard things, isolated, bitterly despised and became an empty shell of a human being.
Now... I wake up in the morning and half-asleep, I ask, "How can I be of service today?" to the beautiful Spirit that has loved, nourished and nurtured me back to wholeness. 
I stop sometimes and simply feel myself breathing in, breathing out. 
I practice saying thank you, a lot. 
I write down my dreams and wishes. 
I listen to my heart. 
I feel. 
I exercise - regularly - and it has changed my life. 
I don't count calories. 
I read inspirational books. 
I try to become the next best version of myself. 
I focus on what I can give. 
I wonder how other people are and I listen to their stories, try to hear the child underneath. 
I play. 
I give to myself. 
I am beginning to let my inner child make the art she always wanted to.
I mess up. 
I brush myself off. 
I say sorry. 
I embrace being alive.

Back then... Oh, how I would love to go back and hold myself. I guess I had to go through that long, dark night of the soul. It made me fiercely, passionately willing to do the work to claw my way back to life.
Now... I recognize that this truly is a life beyond my wildest dreams. I open myself right now to the amazing gifts that the Universe has for me, and I accept without fear or doubt that I have a massive and exquisite purpose. 

Perfectly imperfect xx

There are so many young women out there who are going through what I went through a few years ago. To all the hurting ones, I want to say this:

It truly is darkest before the dawn. 

It may not seem like it right now, but I promise you that things can be different, and you can heal. 

There is so much goodness in this world, and so much love inside you. 

You are innocent. 

You are enough - just the way you are. 

You are utterly precious and completely irreplaceable. 

You are beyond comparison. 

You are not your anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, self-harm, promiscuity, self-hate, shame, guilt, despair, sense of brokenness. You are so much bigger than all of those things put together. 

If you want to know a different way, ask for help. 

Ask and keep on asking until you see a tiny chink of light. 

You will see it. It will appear. 

And when it does, even if in the beginning it is the tiniest whisper, focus on it. 

Think about it every day. 

Ask it what you need to do to help it grow. 

Water it with loving thoughts, tiny changes, a walk in the park, a massage, a love letter to yourself.

You will know love. You will know love.

And never, ever, ever give up hope. There is another way and it is just waiting for you to turn and face it. 

You will be greeted by a thousand angels. 

You will be guided. 

You will know love.

Love,
Elloa xx