"You are a scanner."
A what? I wondered. I have spent a good while this afternoon and evening reading - no, devouring - every word and website I can on the subject.
I have felt such an immense sense of relief in recognizing things about myself that I have spent years trying to suppress, change or ignore. I don't care right now that it's a label, a descriptor, that it could never compare to the truth of what I really am - learning about this has been like finally surfacing to take a deep, long gasp of air after swimming deep underwater, trying to get from one side of the swimming pool to the other. I've been awakened to the most incredible realizations about myself:
No wonder I have never been able to choose a 'career';
It's not a flaw in my being that I have avoided training as a teacher, have grown bored and felt like a caged animal six months into an office job - it's just reflecting that I'm not designed to work in those kind of environments and for those kinds of durations;
Wanting to learn about so many things, having so many ideas for my life, doesn't have to leave me helpless anymore. I can build a portfolio career if I want, or establish some passive income so that I can work fewer hours in a regular job;
Being flaky, indecisive, afraid to commit long-term, flighty, a dilettante-wannabe doesn't make me the faulty human being I thought it did.
I really don't have to find something stable and middle of the road like I think my Dad wants me to. It might just be possible to live the life I've dreamed of... to be a dancer, writer, actor, teacher, explorer, cyclist, wife, friend, daughter. To be all of it, and none of it. To watch the labels melt away as I just relax, allow myself to be me and watch my life unfold as a lily bursts forth from its bud.
Heck, we're in the twenty first century! Half the jobs the younger generation are going to be doing in ten years' time don't even exist yet.
There is room for me in this world! There is room for me!
We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that
is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell, mythologist, writer and lecturer
A scanner, or polymath or renaissance soul personality (love that final term!), is a person who wants to see, touch, taste, experience and live as fully as possible.
They find it hard to commit to a conventional 'career path', find choosing what to commit to an anxiety-inducing dilemma (don't I know it!)
They start lots of projects and don't finish them (hello, 100 Things)
They have loads of seemingly unrelated interests (linguistics, shamanism, 5 rhythms, poetry, cycling, food, tea, healing, meditation, musical theatre, gardening - perhaps not that unrelated, but my interests are many and growing all the time).
They have creative ideas all the time - open a tearoom, ride around the country, start a revolution, take life drawing classes, help people liberate themselves through a blend of painting and movement, to just skim the surface.
Discovering this about myself in the last 24 hours has roused a surge of joy from deep within my young, tender soul. Fuck it! I do not need a stable job - there is work out there for me, work that is more like play, work that is an expression of the deep meaning that life holds for me. I am finding it already, and it is going to keep on flowing towards me, filling the reservoir in my heart with inspiration, opportunities to express and share, collaborate and listen and learn and love.
I plan on capturing more of my journey with coaching on my blog, starting with everything I've ever wanted to do. I take a deep breath and invite you to join me in exploring all that your glorious, ever-expanding heart holds and imagines and sees. Who knows, maybe one day you and I will collaborate on something wonderful.
As Mary Oliver wrote in her wonderful poem, "The Summer Day":
Tell me, what will you do with your one wild and precious life?
4 comments:
Elloa, I LOVE this post!!!!! I think I am a scanner too! I never heard of this term but what you describe is so FREE. Thank you so much for sharing this and I really look forward to hearing so much more about your sacred journey as you open up to more and more of your passions and beautiful gifts. There is room for us in this world!
Thank you for being so beautifully YOU. Much love to you.
Oh goodness! GOODNESS! Yep, this is it, Elloa...anything that feels this liberating is IT. Isn't it fucking amazing when we just f-ing embrace who we really are without trying to squeeze ourselves into a tiny box?
Yep, it's amazing.
By the way, I'm a scanner too...I think the three of us need to scan together. No more boxes, no more limitations.
Can't wait to hear about all of it.
A(f-ing)MEN!
How amazing! I love this! Of course! What a breakthrough! Celebrating with you, my friend! I can't wait to see what this realization opens for you, and to follow the journey. Thank you so much for sharing it here!!! XO There is room for you! I have been making more space for me in my life, and it has been amazing!!!!
Hey Ell,
Fuck it! Maybe I'm a scanner too. I remember as a child sitting in the library reading books on everything from practical fish keeping to photography to acting. I wonder if all these individual golden threads ie the things that make you come alive, eventually weave together to create a big colourful tapestry of your life?
Love Nige XXX
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