I sang my heart out

I want to celebrate how amazing I am with you

so that you can celebrate you with me

together we can stand tall, beaming, blossoming

free.

Simply loving

smiling

dancing

encouraging

hugging

yes-ing

listening

nodding

understanding

creating

playing

expressing

leaping

jumping

twirling

thanking

sparkling

shining bright

growing and learning

sowing

and reaping

and all the hundreds of other

beautiful ways

to extend love in this

tender, delicate world - 

in so much need of you

and me

celebrating

being 

us.

Last night, I did it. I did it! Heart thumping so hard in my chest that I could see my clothes beating on my skin, my throat constricted, noticing the beautiful trees, unable to avoid seeing the big audience, I sang the song that was given me to sing - 'Tell Me On A Sunday', from the musical of that name.

It wasn't perfect. 

I missed the top notes, a second here, a second there.

But...

I did not fail. I did not mess up. 

I did the very best that I could. And I am PROUD of myself.

Sure I made a couple of mistakes; I'm human, and I'm an inexperienced singer. BUT! I was present, I sang with my heart beating wildly, and I imagined that all the audience were my friends, there to support and encourage me, to cheer me on (and they were, and they did). I gave it all that I had, and when that voice started its oh-so-predictable, unsolicited feedback afterwards, I took a deep breath, held my head high and ignored it. 

I ignored it!! Perhaps bigger than the achievement of singing in front of 150 people was the fact that I managed to choose again, to change my mind, without fits of tears, a tornado of self-hatred passing through my horizons. Not last night - it was just on the periphery, just breezing through town. I heard the loving feedback that I received:

Perfect pitch

Potential

Presence

Beautiful

Heartfelt

Lovely

Wonderful

A nice voice

Thank you! Thank you. I am letting it sink in. So often, I notice that as a woman, I just brush compliments aside. Well today I am breathing in and letting your words sink in. Thank you. My young, tender heart was nourished so deeply with your kind words and love.  And I'm so grateful too that you acknowledged my mistakes without shaming me, or placing any real importance on them. My mistake was just a moment of fear, and a few singing lessons and a bit more experience singing in public will certainly sort that out! For once, I am comfortable with being imperfect. It's wonderful!

And guess what... I really, really loved it. I love performing!

As well as the solo, I sang in two four-part harmony songs, and did the 'Cell Block Tango' from Chicago with the girls. I just LOVED 'Cell Block Tango' (I played June: "He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times!") Fishnet tights, moody, intense - right up my street.

Afterwards (e.g. after I'd taken the really scary step!), a professional actor who was also in the cast has suggested a show that she thinks would really suit me, so I'm going to go away and look into that. By stepping through my fear to the other side, I have found that another door opens - I didn't know I'd be given such experienced, specific guidance as that.

In addition, a friend has asked if I would be in a music video for her (and Nige too!). Suddenly, all these exciting creative projects are flowing to me - and I keep on saying YES (thank you again, Julia and Alia for being continued inspirations to me).

So I'm celebrating. Head held high. I took up space in the world last night, deliberately and consciously, and it was more than okay - it was fun, entertaining, it connected me to people, I was part of something and we raised a big bunch of money for charity (amount tbc here soon!).

Hoooooorrrrraaaaaaaayyyyy!

The Girls singing 'Cell Block Tango' from Chicago
(can you see me in the middle?!)