On 27th December 2010, my best friend asked me to marry him. It was so beautiful. The days after drifted by in a haze of happiness and sense of oneness (enter dreamy music, the sound of soft violins and birds chirping and tweeting in the background...)
And then fear arrived.
Ever since the week after Nige asked me to marry him, I have felt a bit strange.
I have been afraid. Terrified, even.
I am like the soothsayer in the recent pantomime I took part in – “Woe, woe! All is doomed.”
I keep waiting for the moment to arrive when he changes his mind, when we stop liking each other. And I find myself being triggered by his words, judging him and thinking that I don't like him, and that I especially do not like me.
It’s time to return to innocence.
This much I know – being asked to marry your soul mate does not make the ego disappear.
I had a glimmer of awareness that this would be a time for much-needed vigilance, and I have done my best with it. As I reflect on the last few weeks, I realise that all my darkest thoughts, lurking in the shadowy corners of my mind, like the 'baddie' waiting in the wings, have come to the fore and are taking centre stage in my mind.
My quest is to stand for the Truth of Innocence. So many thoughts, behaviours and habits are currently masking innocence from my awareness – but that doesn’t change the truth. The truth is there, waiting to be experienced, waiting for my welcome.
It's time to return to Love.
Tonight, as I enter my house with a lingering sense of dis-ease, I decide to throw my arms wide open and say, “Bring it on.” Ms. Ego, you want confrontation? I am ready to dive right into the ring of fire with you.
Here are some of the thoughts I've been battling recently. Somehow, today I am ready to answer back.
He will leave. Or die. Yes, that's it; he will DIE.
And I will be so grateful to have spent countless minutes, hours, and days in his presence.
But he won’t BE THERE anymore for you to be with.
Oh, he’s here. He’s always here. There’s a part of me that is forever changed, forever remembered, from knowing him.
Someone else is going to come along – someone prettier than you. Someone wittier, and funnier, someone more like him. A woman who he fancies more than you, a more talented actress, writer and singer. Someone you can never live up to. She will appear just when you've got your guard down - at a play, or through a blog, or in the coffee shop. She will destroy your life by ripping him away from you. YOU WILL BE ABANDONED.
No. Do you hear me? I said, NO.
Today, no more of this. No more.
Everything that is pure and innocent and loving whispers gently to the depths of my soul that it is safe to trust, and that I am enough, and that if only I would let go, I would experience such peace that it would touch the very core of my being and reverberate around the world.
I know jealousy. I know insecurity. I know comparison - oh so, so well. Moodiness, feeling attention-starved, being on the outside, worrying, experiencing that sick-to-my-stomach feeling that knocks the wind out of my sails.
And I do not want to live my life carting these burdens around with me.
Perhaps the most valuable lesson I have ever been taught is this:
I can choose once again.
Today I am choosing once again because I have invested my faith in fear and it hurts.
I will greet my life with a willingness to hear the Holy Spirit’s Voice in the middle of all things. I cannot control what may or may not happen, but I can choose to put my faith into the teachings that I have experienced as giving me the only true stability I have ever known.
Only the Love is real in any situation.
I am enough. I am safe. I cannot be abandoned, for I am part of God and connected with all my brothers. The connection I have with Nige cannot be threatened. I am not a body, I am free. I am as God created me. I can greet pain with arms open, gut wrenching sobs with surrender, deep loss with gentleness, and when I remember, I can ask, “What is this for, Spirit? What is this for?”
Life is precious, beautiful and alive right now. I am growing, remembering and returning to innocence, and every time I forget gives me a valuable opportunity to remember again.
So I'm sorry Ms. Ego, but there is no going back. In fact, I want a divorce.
I choose to go to his arms this evening with adoration, openness and delight. I choose to offer a soft place to land. I choose to choose again every time I am triggered.
The thought that I could just be utterly, unabashedly in love with Nigel Atkinson has terrified me into withdrawl and guardedness of late.
What is this for? Perhaps, I muse, it is a perfect opportunity - a gift! - for me to see myself and my past differently - this fear certainly didn't begin in this relationship. I have carried it with me, probably for lifetimes, but certainly for 27 years.
The little girl inside me is convinced that she was abandoned, and that if only she'd been different, it would not have happened. Today, I gently unravel the tightly wound cord that binds her, freeing her hands and feet, her ribcage and her heart, until she looks around and realizes with astonished wonder that she is safe, she is whole, and she is Love.
Changing my mind about myself means forgiving my past, forgiving the perpetrators and allowing the truth to caress me and embrace me.
Dear God, please help me to change my mind so that I can remember the Truth...
... and suddenly, a light begins to dawn...
... I was not abandoned, was I?
No Elloa, you were not abandoned. I have always been with you.
... I was not damaged, was I?
No Elloa, you were not damaged. You are whole, complete and pure.
... I was loved, wasn't I? Little baby Elloa was loved beyond words!
Yes, little baby Elloa was and is loved beyond words.
... And little girl Elloa was delighted in; she was pure delight, wasn't she?
Yes, little girl Elloa was delighted in - she is pure delight!
... They did the best they could. They really did the best they could.
Yes, Ell... they are all doing their best, even when it looks like their worst.
What is not an extension of love is simply a cry for it. Hear only that and you will hear My Voice.
... And the hush of Heaven holds my heart today...
Yes, the hush of Heaven holds your heart today....
"Father, how still today! How quietly do all things fall in place! This is the day that has been chosen as the time in which I come to understand the lesson that there is no need I do anything. In You is every choice already made. In You has every conflict been resolved. In You is everything I hope to find given me. Your peace is mine. My heart is quiet, and my mind at rest. You Love is Heaven, and Your Love is mine."
ACIM, lesson 286
3 comments:
Thanks for this blog Ell. Your tenderness moves me to tears. I love you for the wonderful sparkly soul that you are.
Love Nige XXX
Oh, Elloa, I wish you could know how you speak for my soul with these words. It is a different variation, but the same theme of fear that rushes in and feels inescapable. These days the fear can rush in like a tidal wave--perhaps because it has to match the presence of light that really has started to become so much stronger. I await that moment when we can all fully open our eyes to the light. I feel you leading the way. I feel you inviting the healing for all.
You remind me that, really, we are all one, and that our experiences are no different underneath the surface.
You are brave, and I love who you are beyond words, and somehow I feel that much safer because of this love. I hope you do too.
Elloa...I love every little bit of you, with or without the fear, with or without the ego.
There is nothing you need to do. It is safe to let go.
You're beautiful and pure and innocent. I hold your heart in mine.
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