There are lots of things I don't want you to know about me. I have decided to share a few of them with you anyway. This is not an exercise in beating myself up. This is an exercise in revealing the shadowy ego mind, in order to remember the Truth of Innocence.
Here goes... (hoping you will still love me afterwards!)
I pick my nose when I'm driving.
Sometimes when I'm at home I pretend I am a pop star by singing and warbling my voice.
Occasionally, I watch erotica on the internet. And yes, I get off on it.
I do not know how to cook moussaka, lasagne, or shepherd's pie. I think this makes me inadequate as a woman.
I love buying Christian music even though I am not a Christian. Today I bought some beautiful songs by Rachel Barrentine and Rachel Belman.
I am obsessed with my legs. Obsessed. I just wish they were thinner, and more toned. I dislike them very much and do not appreciate all that they have carried me through. Dear legs, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
I am quite a jealous person. I get jealous when I see people I love connecting with other people. I think it means they are going to leave me. This is likely to show up in relationship with Nige. I think that people don't know about it when I am in jealous mode, but I'm sure that really, they do. Nige definitely does!
I am a competitive person. I want to be the best, and I hate being inferior at anything. I am a know-it-all. If I am close to you (i.e. family or boyfriend) I will put you down in order to feel better about myself.
Some days I am afraid that I still have an eating disorder.
I secretly fear that despite being a high achiever for most of my life, I am slowly heading towards a life of mediocrity, averageness and forgettability. I think I am destined for greatness, and yet on Tuesday I am going for an interview to stack shelves in a supermarket over the Christmas period.
I do not know how to do my hair and make up properly. I am 27. Women are so beautiful, and I wish I knew how to make myself look - and feel - beautiful too.
Some days I think I am much prettier than all the fat ugly women I see in Tesco. I can be very arrogant and spiteful.
Sometimes I agree to spend time with people when I do not really want to.
I think I am a selfish person.
Recently, I went for a colonic. In the morning, I discovered that there had been a tiny bit of overnight seepage. Oops.
I do not know how many people I have slept with but I think it's about the same as the number of years I have lived.
I neglected my hamster so badly when I was 18 that it went bald from the trauma of living in my drug-infested room at university.
I lost my virginity whilst drunk next to some industrial sized dustbins outside a pub, to a boy that my best friend fancied. And then I lied about it to her and said that I had not done it.
Sometimes I like the smell of my own farts.
Well, factoid hunters, that's all you're getting out of me this evening.
I love a bit of brutal honesty. It is a blustery wind blowing the cobwebs away. I dare you to share something you don't want people to know about you... whenever the time is right for you. I will love you anyway.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
5 comments:
I don't know if you meant it to be, but this was hilarious. Good for you for sharing all the parts of you.
I am learning that if I can't love all the parts of me, then I can't let anyone love me either. Thank you for the honest list that really just makes you human.
You are brave, Elloa. I think there is something that happens when you allow yourself to really see yourself so clearly and honestly, your thought patterns and what you are creating in life because of them. I can imagine that because of your honesty you are starting down entirely unexplored roads for yourself. Congratulations.
Even shelving may hold just another surprise around the corner. I had one of the most significant relationships come to me when I decided to teach piano again, even though it felt like it was not significant enough. This relationship changed my life, and it will never be the same.
I already think of you and Nige as being able to go deeply into inner work within a deep and meaningful relationship. You are pioneers for me! Thanks for being all of you! Sorry this comment is so long! Thanks for the dare. Wonder if I will ever be ready!
Your raw honesty is genius. This is brave and vulnerable, and funny. ;-)
Oh, damn. I just love this. So brave & honest. And brave. Did I already say that? There were a few parts that made me totally giggle and a few that I could fully relate to.
I'm not sure I can get this honest. I could in a conversation with you(face to face) but not sure how much I could reveal on my blog...I will be pondering this for a while.
Thank you for the dare--I will take it seriously.
And, I still love you. More, in fact.
What an outrageous post! The mere thought of the hamster going bald from the trauma had me pissing my sides. On a healing note hiding no-thing brings escape from fear and opens the door to peace and love. I intend to follow in your footsteps.
Love Nige
thanks for sharing this so honestly, it was really powerful to read.
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