Pioneer

I am a pioneer.
I walk this land, but it is a different kind of path that I tread.
Mine is the path of authenticity.
I am not interested in achievement or possession - although the fearful mind part of me is.
No; what I really yearn for is the peace that comes from knowing I am walking the path back home to God. I am in no man's land at the moment. It is a scary place to be. I feel lost, and confused, and all around me, purposeful souls drive themselves into the ground, propelled by fear and clip clip clopping along in their workwear, a copy of the Metro in one hand and their Blackberry in the other.
Try as hard as I might, I simply cannot walk that path. My heart calls me to this quiet place, this comforting room, with fairy lights and a praying buddha on a walnut desk, and me, in tears, remembering what is truly sacred.

I am a fisherwoman, casting my net in all directions, testing the waters to see what I find:
A boot! Fantastic - I'll sit with it for a while in my boat, until I decide whether I like it or not.
A smelly old sock?! Hm, can I do anything with it? No? I'll toss it back, or perhaps donate it to Oxfam.
It's not so much what I find as I cast my nets; it's the attitude with which I greet each item that matters to me. I have a vision, of me pressing send, and then twirling on my toes as my CV whizzes off into cyberspace to be viewed by yet another prospective employer. I live delightfully, lightly, and always with a touch of magic.

For I am a pioneer, and this land that I walk has a very different landscape to that of the world we all seem to inhabit. I track emotions, noticing the contraction here, the ball of heat there, the thick cord of heat running from torso to throat, the pulse of my aorta in my stomach, the spreading out of tension as it releases across my tummy. I sit, I observe, I feel, and I notice that I feel safe, and held, and nourished.

I am presented with a very important question. What could I do every day to give the little girl in me the nurturing that she needs? I don't have an answer just yet, but I'm happy just to be with the question.

 Because I am a pioneer. And as I live each day, each breath, I notice that there is a parallel between finding the answers in the kind of work I want to do, the kind of thing I want to give to the world, and the kind of answer that arises in response to this question. I know that I want to show up and be authentic. I want to greet emails, interviews, chance meetings with strangers in the street, with that sense of delight and purity and wonder that is so effortless for me with certain people, certain situations. I want to open my arms to life and say "Hello!" I want to smile, to laugh, to sing my heart out. I want to love. I want to imagine. I want to create.

And I want to be a pioneer on this path - this new kind of human experience. And hey, guess what? I already am.